Saturday, December 22, 2007

The War Against Christmas Rages On

Just the other day while I was in the express line at Wal-Mart picking up some ribbon candy and a Whitman's sampler, the cashier had the audacity to look me dead in the eye and tell me "Happy Holidays". One can only imagine the affront to my Christian sensibilities.

So, I politely explained to the young lady that saying Happy Holidays is something that only tramps, homosexuals, and people that worship false gods say to cover the shame of the fact that they will soon be roasting in the flames of Hell. I suggested that instead of saying Happy Holidays she should in fact rejoice and shout "Happy Birthday, Precious Baby Jesus!"

She smiled and nodded and then I noticed how brown she was. Oh, the poor dear was a Mexican! She probably didn't speak a lick of English except for the words Happy Holidays which I suspect had been taught to her by one of her (most likely atheist) superiors. I thought about asking to speak to her manager, but I was in a bit of a time crunch as I still had to go rent a donkey for the live Nativity scene we do annually at First Calvary. Sometimes as a Christian Soldier you have to choose your battles wisely.

Monday, December 17, 2007

If Our Leaders are Idiots, What Does That Make Us?

Well, in my absence I see we've added a Christian Correspondent. How fucking wonderful! Anywho...I was planning to write something about the boo-hoo fest on CNN, Heroes, but every time I watched it I cried (and then I drank), so instead I decided to write about some bloviated rich dickheads, which is more fun anyway. So, here we go...

  • Alan Keyes - Former Ambassador of Cuh-razy/2008 Candidate: Alan seriously, stop berating America! Take a look at his campaign website. Yeah, not only does he want you to vote for the nerdy black version of Hitler, he also wants you to sign a contract that you'll recruit five people and that you'll spot him five bucks for some "seed money"...Alan, I don't even want to know what "seed money" means to a Republican these days.

  • Al Gore - Former Vice President/Current Enviro-Fatass: Yes Al, we've all heard about the global warmings and what not. Must you constantly browbeat Americans about our energy use and our goddamned carbon footprint? Al, in all seriousness, we'll change our fucking light bulbs when we feel like it, okay! Can't you just go back to eating Yangtze River Dolpin or whatever endangered species of the month it is that you're stuffing in your big bossy piehole. And Al, stop dipping it in ranch dressing.

  • Joe Lieberman – Senator/ Jewish Sharpei: Joe “Let’s Protect America by Killing the Whole Fucking World” Lieberman used to be a Democrat until he fell head over heels in love with the sweet and fanciful War on Terror! So now he's an independent, whatever the hell that means. Anyway, he’s decided to endorse Walnuts “I Am Friggin Broke and Busted as All Hell” McCain. Yeah, so now everybody out there that hates all the terrorists, but still loves the festive Home Depot Salsa Mexicans are totally gonna vote for Walnuts. Yay! That means cheap labor from all the brown people and a bunch of really pissed off rednecks. Sounds like a win-win to me!

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Negroes Certainly are Making a Fuss Lately

  • Wayward sorceress Oprah Winfrey has been fanning the flames of Hell by campaigning for the Islamic terrorist, Barack HUSSEIN Obama. I pray for her every 45-50 minutess.

  • Why do blacks want to make the precious baby Jesus cry by celebrating the fake holiday of Kwanzaa?

  • Does slap-happy Cynthia McKinney not know that we all ready have at least one certifiably crazy black person running for President?

  • Michael Vick is in a heap of trouble for dogfighting. I hope they don't have a law about rooster's fighting or our Ladies Auxiliary Club may have some explaining to do over certain fundraisers...

  • In other news, Satan may have cursed us with foreclosures, but the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost have graced us with home prices at an all time low!

  • Also, has a snappy new flash design on their site. Extreme evangelism never looked so thoughtfully designed!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

One Way or Another, Iran's Gonna Get It

- You know how we've all been told that Iran is all nuke-ular and what not? Well, it turns out that might have been total bullshit.

- Even though the government now says Iran poses no threat, President Bush would like to remind everyone that Iran poses a threat?

- Oh, and Israel is pissed!

- Also, more completely asinine details about the Dem-olester are coming to the "media's" attention....something about janky sweater parties and kidfucking. This whole story would have been way cooler on Dateline NBC!

- Rich Christian assholes can't be bothered with trivial Senate inquiries.

- Speaking of Christians, Bill Keller is still being a dick.

- And last but not least... The Jews are still evil!

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I'm Late! I'm Late! For a CNN/YouTube Republican Debate!

  • 7:35 - Walnuts promises to do everything right and activates the buzz word "pork"
  • 7:36 - Rudy throws out "Ronald Reagan". How many times am I going to hear him and Mitt say "Ronald Fucking Reagan"?
  • 7:38 - Fred Thompson responds to a question about limited government by mumbling some nonsensical bullshit
  • 740 - OMG, Huckabee is totally biting on Ron Paul's schtick!
  • 7:52 - Duncan Hunter has decided to use his international fame and influence to tell everyone to "Buy American". Gee, thanks a lot,Duncan!
  • 7:53 - Fred Thompson doesn't know a motherfucking thing about his own campaign ads
  • 7:54 - Mitt Romney used to think it was okay to kill babies, but now he's not as enthusiastic about it.
  • 7:55 - Fred Thompson is drrrunk. He needs a bump!
  • 8:02 - Rudy quotes statistics. I'm getting sleepy. Oh shit, Rudy just got booed on gun rights! I'm sorry people, if you can't pass a government issued exam then you are a stupid motherfucker and accordingly should have no basic rights (whatsoever!)
  • 8:06 - Mitt Romney answers a question about inner city violence with a response about sexual predators?
  • 8:09 - Mitt Romney has said a lot of things tonight, but I just want to know if he is wearing his Mormon underwear.
  • 8:12 - Oh, Look! It's Fred Thompson stuttering about abortion. What an ogre!
  • 8:15 - Yuckleberry says Jesus would never run for president
  • 8:16 - Tancredo wishes Jesus would have the decency to kill all the goddamned Mexicans
  • 8:17 - Rudy reads the fucking Bible like all the time...because it's allegorical
  • 8:18 - Whoa, back up there, Mitt! Everybody knows that your Mormon "Bible" is not like the real "Bible" Bible
  • 8:19 - Ah Hell, now it's Bible School time here (where's my drink?) with all the unimaginably Christian Republicans (public restrooms not included!)
  • 8:25 - He did it! Rudy is finally getting to fawn over 9/11 and Islamic Terrorism. OMG, he's smiling!
  • 8:29 - Mitt Romney will water board every single fucking one of you if that's what it takes!
  • 8:34 - I guess Fred Thompson will just rant about anything....something about victory over the hip advertising of Islamofascism and high oil prices.
  • 8:40 - Ding! Ding! Ding! Rudy just said "Reagan" and "9/11" in the same sentence. Rudy has now said 9/11 four times in sixty seconds. It's called patriotism, people!
  • 8:42 - Fred Thompson + A question on the power of the Vice-President = Complete redneck gibberish that makes no fucking sense
  • 8:44 - What? Oh, Duncan Hunter does not have a campaign ad! Now CNN is just fucking with everybody...
  • 8:52 - This is a Republican debate, so things are (naturally) getting a little gay. Typical.
  • 9:0? - Yuckleberry just tried to reach out to the black community by calling them all diabetic, HIV+, hypertensive, poor people. Not cool, Yuckleberry! What a dick.
  • 9:08 - Ron Paul has more money and more fans than poor Walnuts....Walnuts sad :'(
  • 9:12 - Oh, I wish this bottle of wine wasn't empty!

    Monday, November 26, 2007

    Trent Lott's Hot! Gay! Hooker!

    Trent Lott, segregationist and bad hair victim, has resigned today to spend more time with his family and to pursue other man-sex with a gay hooker! Yay! That's right boys and girls, everyone's fave Mississippi Senator has allegedly been getting his "old balls" off with this well-bodied male located to the left. Now, I can't decide if I'm :) or :(, but come on everybody, let's all picture old, saggy Trent Lott buck naked and sweaty!

    Anyway, I have no idea if this story is true or not. BigHeadDC said it was true (yeah, they make shit up all the time though) but Larry Flynt also said he had a big sex scandal story involving a U.S. Senator that he would be publishing soon (just in time for the holidays...again YAY!)

    I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize for my overuse of run-on sentences and parentheses (it's all the booze, I can't help it)

    Also, if this becomes a big gay sex scandal, I would just like to go on record as being the first to refer to Trent Lott as Ole Miss.

    Tuesday, November 20, 2007

    Some Facts About Mormons

    Aside from being whitebread, bike riding cultists that breed incessantly, here are some other interesting things about Mormons that you might like to know:

    - Mormons are actually Satanic Freemasons

    - Mormons wear strange, ritualistic underwear

    - Mormons are a bunch of kid-fucking sex perverts

    - John Heder, Ricky Schroder, Wilford Brimley!!!

    Plus, they're all totally racist. Now, I know I accuse alot of people of being racist (because they are!), but the Holy Bible of Mormonisms says the most pure people are "white and delightsome". That's because Joseph Smith was a straight up motherfucking bigot! Plus they think that black people can only become pure if they breed if with other white people.

    Now, I have no idea (I didn't care enough to research) how they explain all the varieties of brown people, but I did notice that Mormons have no definitions for the Asian, most likely because (as most people all ready know) the Asians descended from highly efficient alien robots, not God.

    Seriously though, thumb through the odd Mormon "bible" sometime. You'll be all like....Oh. Weird. Weird. Racist. Weird. Boring. Racist. Racist. Weird. Boring....and then you'll be all "WTF!" and shut the book. Yeah. Here's a needlessly cheap video clip from the eighties as well.

    Saturday, November 17, 2007


    Yeah, so basically Mormons are bigtime freakshows. If anyone's ever been to the Mormon stronghold of Salt Lake City, they all ready know that this is a twisted, evil cult. The whole city revolves around the secret temple that only Mormons can enter, plus they have this crazy animated Jesus statue that speaks Mandarin or some shit to all the Asian tourists.

    Mormon religion is some weird mix of astrology and Christianity that says Jesus taught all the Indians to build casinos, because they're somehow related to all the money hungry Jews! Oh, and they think the promised land is really Independence, Missouri...even though that place is a total shithole.

    Mormons believe they can become a god after they die by annoying the piss out of everybody else, so they ride around on their stupid bikes and knock on people's doors at the worst possible times (like right after you just got high!) Then they go off to irritate everbody in some third world country as a "missionary" before coming back to take multiples wives and crank out as many creepy "Village of the Damned" babies as possible.

    Friday, November 16, 2007

    Inter-Bureau Memorandum

    To: All Bureau Personnel
    From: Secretary of Information
    Re: Mormonism Awareness Week
    CC: LDS Cult Leaders, Glenn Beck, Mitt Romney, The Osmonds

    I know everyone is hungover from the pathetic Democratic debate we were all forced to endure last night, but I wanted to remind everyone about next weeks theme: Mormonism Awareness Week. Please tailor your posts accordingly.

    There should be plenty of topics to cover...anything that supports the fact that Utah is owned by a bunch of creepy, racist, lily white, kid fucking, bike riding, polygamist, astrology cult people! And don't forget that they're all a bunch of door knockers that bug the shit out of people just before they recruit and brainwash them. Oh yeah, and their unnatural obsession with genealogy!

    Those lacking in creative ability or anything that doesn't sufficiently malign Mormons are permitted to substitute with YouTube clips.

    Kind Regards,
    The Secretary of Information

    Thursday, November 15, 2007

    Liveblogging the 793rd Democratic Debate of the Year

    Tonight's Democratic debate is on CNN. I'd planned a quiet night at home, but thanks to the socialist killjoys over at CNN, it looks like I'll be liveblogging(with shitloads of profanity) and chugging cheap red wine. Cheers.

    • 7:08pm - Very first question. Hillary smirks and then refers to her pantsuit as "asbestos"
    • 7:11pm - Hillary smirks again while Obama bashes her. I'm not sure if I should remark everytime Clinton smirks. Might get carpal tunnel.
    • 7:14pm - Some fucking heckler just interrupted Hillary and Obama's healthcare showdown. Thanks alot, citizen!
    • 7:18pm - Joe Biden is pissed about not getting face time and just said nobody cares about what Hillary, Barack, and Edwards are saying. I'll drink to that!
    • 7:21pm - John Edwards said he doesn't give a shit who you vote for, because he's all ready fucking loaded with cash.
    • 7:32pm - Democrats pretty much have no fucking clue if Mexicans should have driver's licenses or not.
    • 7:37pm - Bill Richardson wants to be the "Education President"....instead of just some fatass that nobody is ever going to vote for.
    • 7:41 - Joe Biden's kicking ass and taking names. It's a damn shame that he has such a shitty haircut.
    • 7:53pm - Oh snap, now Kucinich just got an attitude about not getting screen time. Looks like the second tier candidates ain't puttin' up with no bullshit tonight.
    • 7:55pm - Hey, where the hell is Mike Gravel? No wonder I'm so bored!
    • 8:13pm - Goddamn it! Hillary just shined. I forgot how cunning the Anti-Christ can truly be. Oh well, time to hit the bottle harder.
    • Holy Hell, they're gonna let real life Nevadans ask questions. This is gonna fucking suck!
    • 8:25pm - Some veteran's drunk ass mother just asked a question about war written on an index card. This is the most obviously planted question EVER! A fucking index card?
    • 8:32pm - OMFG! Some lady in the most hideous vest/smock I've ever seen just asked a question about Blackwater. I don't really care about the candidates responses, I'm too busy grimacing at the floral pattern on that vest.
    • 8:38pm - Oh, Christ on a cracker, some terrorist just stood up and bitched about being profiled. Boo Hoo. Of course, like true Democrats they're sympathizing with him. Fucking candy asses. People, if you don't want to be profiled then don't be a Muslim! It's that simple...
    • 8:42pm - WTF! Now Chris Dodd is up there speaking fucking Mexican to all the burrito people. Aye aye aye! No somos México del norte.
    • 8:44pm - Some old stuttering hag with blue eye shadow and a big gold Wal-Mart hair scrunchy is barking about Social Security. It's hard to focus on the candidates with so many citizens asking questions. God, I hate real Americans.
    • 9:04pm - Blah, blah, blah, blech, blech....Is this ever going to end? Even the candidates look fucking bored.
    • 9:09pm - Yay! It's finally over. In summary: Biden/Kucinich '08

    Ok seriously, I'm never fucking live-blogging again. I am exhausted (and drunk!). Plus, now I'm hungry for burritos. Oh holy hell, now Miss Anderson Cooper is following up with pundit commentary. Who cares? I am done. Fuck everybody. Fuck America!

    Haw Haw!

    Here at the Bureau, it's no surprise that we hate that pantsuit wearing, devil with a vuh-jay-j Hillary Clinton. Ultimately though, our supreme hatred is reserved for the utterly comtemptible Nosferatu and 9/11 enthusiast, Rudy Motherfucking Giuliani!

    Not just because he's a crossdressing, baby eating abortionist, but also because he has hideous vampire-like features and his stupid-ass accent is annoying as all hell. We're glad to see that the voters in Iowa seeem to share our abbhorence of such a nefarious creature.

    Check out this lovely picture of Rudy while campaigning in Iowa (click the photo to enlarge). Yes, Rudy looks just as evil as ever and yes, the wallpaper behind him is ridiculously distateful, but take a look at the sign on the lamp. Who knew those crafty Iowans could make a photo-op so ironic?

    Thursday, November 1, 2007

    The GOP Not-Gay Fuckfest Continues

    Sigh. It just kind of becomes redundant after awhile, doesn't it? Just when you think you've heard the sleaziest story about some crusty Republican trying to score some cock, some even sleazier story comes to light. Then you're left sadly gimacing as the horrifying mental image burns itself into your mind...while shaking your head helplessly and thinking to yourself, "Oh, God no! Why? WHY!"

    This time it was Washington state Rep. Richard Curtis... He got busted after having sex with a male prostitute he met while wearing women's lingerie in an erotic bookstore he was cruising. He was quick to point out repeatedly, however, that he is not gay. Whew! Well thank God! He's a crossing dressing closet freak that likes to troll porno shops in search of unprotected sex with young male hookers, but least he is not gay. What a huge fucking relief!

    So far, he's yet to release a complete disclosure of bullshit excuses of what happened, but I'm sure we'll all get some canned denials answers pretty damn soon.

    For the unfortunate details made slightly more bearable by Wonkette's comedic stylings, click here

    Friday, October 26, 2007

    OMG Laura Bush is a Terrorist!

    Today's the last day of Islamofascism Awareness Week and everyone is devastated that it's over so quickly. For one whole week businesses shut down, schools closed their doors, and families came together to learn all about stoning harlots, beheading infidels, inconveniently praying five damn times a day, and blowing everybody the hell up...all in the name of primitive moon gods called the Allahs!!!

    First lady Laura Bush decided to be a real bitch and show everybody up by flying to the Holy Land... most likely to convert to Islam. In this picture, Laura's Muslim handmaiden (concubine) is teaching her how to look less trampy by putting on a hijab! Some in America hope Laura decides to opt for the full body burqa, perhaps in a flag motif as a show of patriotism.

    Thursday, October 25, 2007

    Oklahoma Tells Islam to Kick Rocks

    Earlier this week a group of Iranian financed, militant Oklahomafascists called the Ethnic American Terrorists Council got all bitchy when state lawmakers returned the Quran's they had been sent by the council, because they don't want to "endorse the idea of killing innocent women and children in the name of ideology". Controversy arose after it came to light that the Quran's were rejected, but a shipment of Bibles had been readily accepted by state lawmakers

    Sinners were quick to point out that the Bible is also brimming with tales of rape and murder in God's name. Of course godless pagans love to nitpick endlessly about tiny little things, but that's because they're all going straight to Hell. Heathens should just keep their wicked opinions to themselves!

    Besides, everybody all ready knows that Christianity is a loving religion and not all weird and freaky like Islam (well except for that part in Kings where they boil and eat their babies)

    Wednesday, October 24, 2007

    Anderson Cooper: Princess in Peril

    Last night on CNN, boisterously homosexual Anderson Cooper went prancing around a bunch of third world countries to bring awareness to CNN's Planet in Peril...oh, and global warming...whatever . He teamed up with wildlife biologist and fellow tight shirt enthusiast, Jeff Corwin, to highlight just how much selfish westerners are ruining the whole goddamn planet.

    Poor Miss Cooper was forced to flounce through dingy Thai marketplaces and was visibly sulking as he rode down some jungle river in a canoe paddled by his "knight in shining Baby Gap tee", Jeff Corwin. All that dirty work paid off though, Planet in Peril debuted to better than expected ratings and CNN decided to air the full episode despite the California wildfires, where coincidentally Anderson was also on location... flaming away like the rest of the wildfire.

    For more info about the chronicles of our dying planet as narrated by a pastey homo, click here!

    Condoleeza Rice: Not in the Mood for Your Shit Today

    Condi Rice totally freaked everybody out today when she used her fucking creepy voodoo war goddess superpowers to make some pinko lady's hands ooze blood after that bitch had the nerve to bark at poor Condi for killing all those innocent Iraqis.

    It's regrettable that things went down so harshly, but that crazy white lady needs to realize you can't just get all up in a black lesbian's face and start talking shit without expecting some consequences!

    Monday, October 22, 2007

    Inter-Bureau Memorandum

    To: All Bureau Personnel
    From: Secretary of Information
    Re: Casual Fridays
    CC: Al-Jazeera, GLAAD

    Due to increasing Democratic oversight, casual Fridays will now be replaced with Cultural Diversity Fridays. We're proud to announce that our first theme will be Transgendered Muslims! Employees are encouraged to dress accordingly and prizes will be given for the most creative attire.

    Suggested attire for men would include a burqa or maybe a less restrictive (more slutty) hijab while appearing visibly oppressed. Feel free to google "mothers of terrorists" for more creative ideas. Suggested attire for women would include long beards and flowing robes wired with crude explosives. Older women are encouraged to google "Ayman al-Zawahiri" for ideas. Larger, more robust women should google "Muqtada al-Sadr".

    The first prize winner of the "Official Cultural Diversity Attire Contest" will receive a $50 gift certificate to the Cracker Barrel! The second place winner will receive a seven day surveillance-free communications pass courtesy of The Department of Homeland Security (Comcast customers excluded...sorry)

    Participation is voluntary, but those who choose not to voluntarily participate will receive disciplinary action ranging from dirty looks to unnecessarily harsh waterboarding. The exception, obviously, excludes those of Jewish faith. Those individuals are exempt from pretty much everything, because Jews own America.

    Kind regards,
    The Secretary of Information

    Saturday, October 20, 2007

    Hillary Clinton is a Hateful, Racist Murderer

    Exhibit A: She's a Ghandi-hating racist! Yeah, I know. I was shocked too when I found out, but it's a verifiable fact. Not only does she hate Ghandi, but she thinks all Indians own convenience stores. Can you believe that?

    It is despicable for someone in her position to make an ignorant generalization against an entire race even if they do smell bad. Still, that is no excuse. Besides, not all Indians own convenience stores, okay Hillary! Some of them drive cabs... so whatever.

    Exhibit B: She's a murderer. And I mean MURDERER! She's killed over forty-seven people!!! Her preferred methods are a nice quick bullet to the head or casually pushing people out of windows, but some of her more disturbing methods include:

    • Keith McMaskle - stabbed 113 times

    • James Milan - decapitated

    • James Wilson - hanged

    • Kevin Ives and Don Henry - fell asleep on railroad tracks (yeah right!)

    Here's a link to all of her victims, but if you end up mysteriously dead after looking at the list, don't blame me.

    So, In summary....Hillary Clinton: Hates Ghandi, Murders People, Bad for America

    Friday, October 19, 2007


    This week, a mini-media frenzy erupted after undead Nobel Prize zombie Jim Watson allegedly hinted that black people weren't as smart white people. Watson previously made headlines in 2000 when he said that women should be able to abort homosexual fetuses and that eugenics could be used to "cure" ugly girls.

    The really important question is how long can you stare at this picture before your eyes start to bleed?

    Thursday, October 18, 2007

    Irrelevant Senator Finally Embraces Reality

    Well, Gah-ahlly....Today, corny Kansas Senator Sam Brownback withdrew his senseless Republican bid for president because nobody would listen to him or give him any money. What a travesty! So much for that Brownback administration we were all hoping for. All three of his supporters are reported to be extra :(

    Brownback will continue to represent the GOP and Kansas...which means he will teach creationism to undercover cops in public restrooms through morse code tapped out by his "not gay, never been gay" feet under the stall.

    Saturday, October 6, 2007

    Fred Thompson: Old-Ass Glory

    Here's a clip of Fred Thompson speaking to a group of ungrateful motherfuckers that are so lazy that can't even manage to clap their conservative hands for an ancient grotesque redneck who's spending his twilight years campaigning for a presidential nomination so that dickheads like this have options in 2008.

    I don't think Fred is getting the respect he deserves and I for one don't appreciate it. It can't be easy trying to come up with smart-sounding stuff to say in front of a bunch of unappreciative assholes, especially when you have no idea what you're talking about because of dementia!

    These people need to respect their elders a little more. If I had been in that room I would have personally bitchslapped every single one of those unpatriotic bastards.

    Friday, October 5, 2007

    The State Department Has a Blog?

    Was anyone else aware of this? OMG! Neither was I! Anyway, it's called DIPNOTE which is D.C. street slang for "diplomatic note". A diplomatic note is simply a note that ambassadors send to foreign ministers to negotiate bribes, arrange assassinations, and find hookers. It's not to be confused with DIPSHIT which is white people slang for "a person thought of as being contemptible" which they would never use because it's offensive and too close to the truth considering who's writing it.

    This is a great place to hear governmenty stuff without the pesky annoyance of having to hear it spewed from Condi or Dana Perino's venomous, harpy lips. Plus, now all you whining bitch-ass liberals out there finally have an official place to leave snarky comments that no one except other whining bitch-ass liberals will bother to read.

    I'm not sure what made Sean McCormack decide that it was such a great idea to start a blog, but I have a feeling that when a certain stern, black, lesbian Secretary of State finds out she's probably going to be pretty pissed off about it.

    Here's the official DIPLINK

    Thursday, October 4, 2007

    Dominionists for Tancredo '08

    Somewhere in the wilds of red state America, some completely crazy fundamentalist has been chosen by God to receive some, um, strange revelations which he has chosen to reveal to the world through his blog.

    First off, God wants Tom Tancredo to become the next President. I don't really know why. Probably because God hates all Mexicans, which everyone all ready knew anyway. What's startling is some of the other revelations.

    Like... Did you know that when Ron Paul loses the election he's going to buy Manitoba from Canada and start his own country? Maybe you also didn't know that Sam Brownback was going to "throw in the towel" and endorse Tancredo because of something to do with Mexican rape squads. Another thing you probably didn't know is that "pretzel eating Bavarians" are aiding Ron Paul in exchange for him naming his new country South Bavariastan?

    Well, now you know.

    You're welcome.

    Wednesday, October 3, 2007

    Jeff Gannon: Memoirs of a Gay

    Mildly retarded homofascist Jeff Gannon evidently wrote down a bunch of words and called it a book. Oddly, it somehow got published. Even more odd is the fact that someone read it. Then a journalist wrote an article about it. Now I'm writing a blog about it. And you are reading it! When the hell is all this madness going to stop?

    Anyway, I'll never read it, because I have more important things to do like bite my toenails or trim my nose hair. So I guess it's a good thing that some journalist summarized the wordy pamphlet. Apparently, Jeff is still mad at everybody for making fun of him for being a gay hooker and he hates real journalists and cunts like Helen Thomas, because they all got way better seats than him at press corps events even though he was the one that had to assfuck Scott McClellan and Karl Rove.

    I could probably write more stuff but I really don't feel like it because I just noticed that Ann Coulter has started saying crazy shit yet again. So. Um. Later

    Sunday, September 30, 2007

    Alan Keyes Still Isn't Done Losing Elections

    I had no idea Alan Keyes was running for something again, but to my surprise when I tuned into the Republican debate the other night there he was on the stage. I kind of had to squint my eyes before saying to myself, "What the hell is Alan Keyes doing up on stage?"

    Alan Keyes is a consistent man. He consistently loses any election he runs for. He also consistently says and does things that make him look like a total jackass. Things such as: (cue bullet points)

    • Saying prison is a good place for black men to get an education

    • Said welfare to the poor has destroyed the black family

    • Claimed that gay marriage would promote incest

    • Called Dick Cheney's lesbian daugher a "selfish hedonist". Ironically, his own daughter Maya is a lesbian (he has since disowned her, but said he still loves her even though she's going to hell)

    • Said that God caused 9/11, because of abortion

    • Blamed the fact that nobody would vote for him on the media

    As a gesture of goodwill towards the mentally ill, I've decided to help him out a little with a few bumper stickers to help give his campaign some much needed visibility. No thanks necessary. Just doing my patriotic duty.

    Thursday, September 27, 2007

    Duncan Hunter is a Shit Sack

    What makes Duncan Hunter think he has a chance in hell of winning the Republican presidential nomination? I have no idea. Another valid question you might ask is...Who the hell is Duncan Hunter? And that's an entirely valid question, because most people either have no clue who he is or they know him and subsequently hate his guts.

    Duncan Hunter is a lazy Republican Senator that only shows up to vote about 2/3 of the time or just whenever he feels like it. He was also a member of the appropriations committee that sent everybody's kids to war with nothing but a gun, not bothering to provide them with body armor or explosive resistant vehicles. Plus his hair really sucks and everything he says is either incorrect, a lie, or totally irellevant.

    Here's a few examples of Hunter's stupid-assery just from the black debate on PBS last night:

    • Hunter totally dodged a question on the racial inequalities of the justice system by encouraging black people to join the military and go to war

    • Stammered when the moderator told him he didn't answer the question and still couldn't manage to come up with a decent answer

    • He proudly kept repeating the word "barrio" to try to connect with the mostly black audience...because he doesn't know the difference between black Americans and Hispanics.

    Duncan Hunter is someone I write about so that later in life I can look back on my blog and say, "Who the hell was that guy and why was I writing about him?"? Oh, and don't even get me started on "Family Values" Brownback and his Gomer Pyle-like voice.

    Friday, September 21, 2007

    Louisiana Racists Pummelled by Hurricane Sharpton

    This week, Rev. Al Sharpton has taken time from his busy schedule of inciting hatred toward Jews, getting crusty shock-jocks fired, whoring himself to the media, and maintaining his unflattering pompadour hairstyle to travel to the KKK stronghold of Jena, La. to support a group of black scapegoats that are being unfairly punished for beating up some gun toting honky.

    Originally, Al said he had no plans to travel to Jena until some future trailer owning white students hung nooses at the school as a witty reference back to the days when Louisiana was unfathomably redneck instead of just severely redneck as it is in modern times. Al said that once race was brought into it he felt obligated to speak up I guess because he thinks that everybody really cares about his opinion.

    Unfortunately though, this incident in Jena has the potential to create unnecessary racial tensions between black and white America and distract us from more important things like uniting against Hispanic immigrants and killing Muslims.

    Thursday, September 13, 2007

    From the Desk of Chairman O'Reilly

    Today, loofah enthusiast Bill O'Reilly released on official declaration commanding the government to bring back the Office of War Information. Their duty would be to censor any media that doesn't promote the murder of people for oil and political power War on Terror.

    According to Bill, this is necessary because a bunch of "loons" in Hollywood insist on running around all liberal and stirring up a bunch of unpatriotic shit with their willy-nilly rampage of truth telling. His prime example is Brian DePalma's upcoming film "Redacted" which chronicles the gang rape and murder of a teenage Iraqi girl and her family by US soldiers.

    Although Bill acknowledges that the incidents at Haditha and Abu Ghraib were horrible, he just doesn't see why America-hating liberals feel the need to go around constantly talking about it, because ulimately "we are hurting our own country" and of course because it will "incite young Muslim men all ready steeped in hatred toward America".

    Bill also said something about the Office of War Information censoring or completly outlawing CNN, MSNBC, Keith Olberman, Rosie O'Donnell, DailyKos, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan, Mexicans, blogs, blogospheres, falafels, and embarassing sexual harassment settlements.

    Here's a patriotic yet oppressive link to the full article.

    Monday, September 10, 2007

    Iraq? Oh, It's a Blast!!

    An optimistic General Petraeus said today that things were just fucking fabulous in sunny Iraq. Sure there's still some bloodshed and the slight risk of everything imploding in a shitstorm of bullets and body parts, BUT... it's way better than it was. In fact, we might be able to let a couple of soldiers come home soon, or around Christmastime, or maybe next summer, or perhaps a little further down the road than that....but soon nevertheless. We still can't set a timetable for withdrawal and run the risk of "emboldening" our enemy...obviously.

    Here are just a few of the things that the US has done to improve things in Iraq since annointing General Petraeus:

    • Stopped reporting how many hours a day that Baghdad is without power

    • No longer recording casualties resulting from car bombs

    • Only reporting casualties if they were shot from behind in sectarian violence statistics

    • Created "peace" in Anbar, Ramadi, etc. by arming the hell out of Sunni militias

    • Established so much breathing room for political gains that the Iraqi government took a whole month off to relax

    Republicans and general warmongers are pleased as punch that Petraeus had such an enthusiastic report. Plus this is a bitchslap to the fiz-ace for all those anti-war pussies that hate the troops and want us to lose the war. Petraeus has turned the miserable wasteland of Iraq into the new Disneyland....a bloody, gorey, nightmarish, Muslim Disneyland. I mean, so what if they don't have the "teacups" ride. Soon you'll be able to whimsically cruise down the scenic Euphrates while riding atop one the many floating corpses still being dumped there on a regular basis.

    General Petraeus would also like to remind the American people that although he's a puppet of the Bush administration, the White House had absolutely no influence whatsoever on his reporting.

    Ambassador Ryan Crocker also said some shit that nobody really listened to.

    Friday, September 7, 2007

    George Bush: Still a Dumbfuck

    I'm starting to feel a little sad for The Decider(even though he's a mass murdering redneck). He's gotta know he blows at public speaking. Yet, he does it anway. By now his poor speechwriters have probably just resigned themselves to words with as few syllables as possible and just given the rest to God, knowing that Junior is just going to fuck it all up anyway before going down in a blaze of failed metaphors and stuttering idiocy.

    Well, it's happened again...This time it was at the APEC forum in Sydney, Australia. He only got three sentences into his speech before the stupid started pouring out. Here's the rundown:

    • The Decider thanked the Australian Prime Minister for inviting him to the OPEC Summit.....but it's APEC, OPEC is entirely different
    • Then tried to correct himself by saying the Australian PM had invited him to the OPEC Summit next year....again incorrect, since neither the US or Australia are OPEC members
    • Proudly thanked Australia for sending its Austrian troops to Iraq...sigh
    • Almost blindly walked off of a "steep drop" as he wandered aimlessly around the stage looking for an exit.

    Strangely, there was no applause until The Decider actually exited the stage. Thank god this happened in Australia where everyone's drunk and will soon forget this ever happened.

    Thursday, September 6, 2007

    Don't Even Bother '08

    Well yawn, that was two hours of my life that I'll never get back. Rudy looked like a raccoon due to overuse of concealer and obviously Mitt Romney has someone on the payroll who is in charge of keeping him spray tanned. He almost looked Mexican....which is really not a good thing for a Republican.

    The only remarkable thing of the night was Ron Paul taking on Yuck-Yuckabee with regard to the stupidity in Iraq. Huckabee said some shit. Ron Paul said some shit back. Paul made the most sense, so accordingly.....Fox did all they could to completely ignore him. Sean Hannity got bitchy when America didn't play along and gave Paul the clear lead with 33% of the vote in the text message poll.

    Brownback seemed kinda faggotty and said "family values" repeatedly after throwing Larry Craig under the bus....which means you probably wanna steer clear of Miss Nancy-Pants Brownback anytime you see her near a public restroom.

    Nobody really cares who you vote for in 08 anyway, because God and the media have all ready pre-ordained Hillary the Anti-Christ as our next ruler. The sooner everyone realizes this the easier it will be. So just save yourself some gas money and the embarassment of telling your friends that you tried to prevent all this Armageddon nonsense by casting you stupid vote for Yuck-Yuckabee.

    Wednesday, September 5, 2007

    Men in Suits Behind Podiums Telling Lies on Fox

    Tonight, the dickheads over at Fox News will host yet another asinine Republican debate that hardly anyone will be bored enough to even bother watching. Here are my predictions:

    • Mitt Romney will have big hair and way too much always
    • Rudy Giuliani will say 9-11, 9-11, War on Terror, Radical Islam!!!!
    • Yuck-Yuck Huckabee will tell jokes.....Gosh, he's so dang funny
    • Tom Tancredo will remind us that he still hates Mexicans
    • Ron Paul will say the truth, and therefore be automatically overlooked
    • I don't think Thompson will be there...he's still officially contemplating the possibility of maybe pondering the idea of considering an official candicacy....which he will then promptly lose
    • McCain will defend amnesty, say something about Vietnam, and look like a bloated albino dwarf
    • Hunter and Brownback won't have anything remarkable to say. It won't be worth your time to listen to them. Feel free to change the channel when they speak.
    After the debates, I'll be sure to post the summary of the candidates answers. This should be rivetting....

    Friday, August 31, 2007

    Ted Haggard Had a Shitty Week

    Remember Ted Haggard? He's the anti-gay Republican preacher that ran the New Life mega-church that also liked to snort meth while getting fucked by a gay hooker once a month for three years. Then he went off to dick rehab and came out 23 days later totally hetero again. Well, it seems he's pissed off a bunch of Evangelofascists again. Here's how it went down:

    I guess Ted is going broke, so he sent out a press release urging his followers to send him monthly payments for the next two years so he could earn a degree while counselling people at a place called Dream Center. He said anyone that sent him money would surely be "rewarded in Heaven" and told them to send their donations to him through a non-profit organization called Families with a Mission.

    Well, then a few things went awry. First, New Life, his former employer released a statement saying that Ted pandering for donations was a violation of the agreement he signed when he left. Then, Dream Center said it never had any intentions on hiring Ted and never told him anything to that effect. And last, but certainly not least, it came to light that Families with a Mission, the non-profit organization Ted was to have his donations funnelled through, was actually ran by a twice convicted sex offender and lost it's non-profit status months ago. Oops!

    Well Ted, I dunno... I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for those donations if I were you. I don't think Christians will be too eager to send cash to a lying former meth-homo that hangs out with sex offenders. Maybe you could get a job as a Restroom Attendent at an airport or city park? I hear it's a great way to meet influential people these days.

    Wednesday, August 29, 2007

    Hero of the Week: Jon Soltz

    Jon Soltz is the Chairman of, an organization dedicated to ending the war in Iraq and refocusing our military efforts on bin Laden. He has a wealth of knowledge regarding politics in Iraq and regularly speaks out on the incompetency of the Bush Administration. He is an Iraq war veteran and also fought in Kosovo under the Clinton Administration. Here are a few of the notable achievements of Jon Soltz:
    • Told punk bitch Rep. Brian Baird earlier this week in a very composed tone that Baird's trip to Iraq was nothing more than a "dog and pony show"

    • Chided Lt. Colonel Buzz Patterson on Hardball for his "cheerleader tour" in Iraq
    • Called out failed presidential candidate Duncan Hunter for the pencil pushing liar he is on Hannity & Colmes and frustrated Hannity to the point that he had to go to break

    • Said war supporter Joe Lieberman spent the Vietnam years in law school and made fun of him for wearing fake Oakley's on his photo-op trip to Iraq

    Here are few other unconfirmed, but interesting facts about Jon Soltz....

    Jon Soltz can do more pushups than you. He doesn't sleep or blink. Jon Soltz can control you with the power of his mind.

    Jon Soltz was once worshipped as a god by primitive tribespeople in the Amazon. He can also fly. Jon Soltz knows who really killed Kennedy. He can say fuck you in every language.

    Jon Soltz can eat with his toes...using chopsticks. He can drive with his eyes closed. Jon Soltz is better in bed than you. His dick is also way bigger than yours.

    Jon Soltz invented the martini. He is the one officially responsible for bringing sexy back. Jon Soltz is not a comptetive eater, but if he were, he would be the world champion.

    [For more Jon Soltz, check out his blog at Huffington Post]

    Muslims Are So Bitchy...

    Well, I guess those people that pray towards Mecca and blow themselves up are all pissed off (yet again..) because some artist in Sweden published a drawing of a dog with the head of the Prophet Mohammad. Big Damn Deal! Everyone knows that Mohammad was the bastard son of an unclean whore and likely fathered by a rabid dog, so I don't really see what all the fuss is about.

    I mean, they worship some sort of pagan moon gods called the Allahs and smoke shitloads of opium, so you'd think they'd be more know, like hippies.

    Why are Muslims always so pissy anyway? I think it's because they know they're all going to Hell because Jesus hates them for calling God by the wrong name. Especially Iran, they're the worst. Iran is constantly throwing a bitch fit about something....

    [Click here for the actual story from Reuters]

    Tuesday, August 28, 2007

    G.O.P.eter Puffers

    Monday, August 27, 2007

    Another Day, Another Horny Republican in a Bathroom Story

    Well, it's the start of a brand new week, so you know what that means. Yup, brand new headlines about a Republican arrested for something penis related in a public bathroom.

    In mid-June, a very old, crusty, and obviously stupid Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested for lewd conduct after trying to score some weiner from a plainclothes officer in a bathroom at the Minneapolis airport. What an idiot! Did he really think he could get nasty with another guy in a friggin AIRPORT restroom and not get noticed/arrested. He would've been less conspicuous if he'd just walked around the streets of Minneapolis with a big cardboard sign that said, "FREE BLOWJOBS FOR COPS!!"

    Anyway, the Senator pled guilty and was officially sentenced by the judge today. He's on probation and has to pay a fine, no biggie....but of course the "official statement" he released was dodgy and still implied possible innocence (even though he pled guilty AND was accused of homosexual activity with pages back in 1982). See below for a sample of excuses from Sen. Craig.

    • This was just a he said/he said misunderstanding
    • The police were misconstruing my actions
    • In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty

    After all these creepy stories about politicians lately, I just hope people are bringing hand sanitizer to political rallies and thinking twice before shaking their Senator's hand....

    Saturday, August 25, 2007

    Televangelists Say the Darnedest Things

    Sadly this week, it was announced that Christian Televangelist/Dickface/All-Out Motherfucker Bill Keller was having his program, Live Prayer with Bill Keller, yanked from the air as of August 31st.

    Apparently, "live prayer" included saying such inspirational things as:

    • Islam is a 1,400-year-old lie from the pits of hell
    • The Koran is a book of fables and lies
    • Oprah is a new-age witch
    • Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Scientologists are evil cults
    • Voting for Mitt Romney is a vote for Satan
    • Mohammed was a murdering pedophile

    Calls to Mitt Romney, Mohammed, and Oprah were not immediately returned.

    Tuesday, August 21, 2007

    From the Bureau of Mexican Handouts

    With Hurricane Dean approaching Mexico, The Decider has assured Felipe Calderon that our wallets would be open and accessible to them even more than it was pre-Dean. "We stand ready to help," said Bush. And by "we", he really means the American taxpayers, not just him, Laura, and Condi.

    This is the only fair thing to do since Mexico was such a huge part of the recovery effort of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. After all, they did loan us a couple of boats patrolled by Mexicans that actually returned home when they were done. So, the least we could do is give them a shitload of money that ultimately won't go to the people who need it anyway. Cuz that's how we's called the American Way.

    He also went on to say, "The American people care a lot about the human condition" and "when we see human suffering we want to do what we can." *

    * To qualify for Bush's federal sympathy program you must be a sovereign entity willing to either overlook, ignore, or agree with U.S. foreign policy, and/or represent the economic or military interests of corrupt leaders/political parties. Middle Eastern nations, except for Israel, are exempt by default and all references to "the human condition" and "human suffering" in their region will hereby be referred to as "victory" or "collateral damage".

    Sunday, August 12, 2007

    Homos for Hillary '08

    This past week, HRC/Logo presented a Presidential Forum geared toward gay and lesbian issues. I felt a personal obligation to watch and I'm glad that I did, because it was complete bullshit very enlightening. Six of the eight Democratic hopefuls were in attendance, but surprisingly none of the Republican candidates accepted the invitation. Hmm, that's odd?

    For your convenience, let me quickly summarize each of the candidates message in the order they appeared:

    • Barack Obama - fully understands gay issues because he's black and has a funny name, isn't afraid to talk about AIDS at church, believes that "separate but equal" is ok as long as it's called something else

    • John Edwards - isn't uncomfortable around homos, wants children to learn about gay sex in school, said personal beliefs shouldn't be a reason to deny gay marriage, but is against gay marriage because of personal beliefs

    • Dennis Kucinich - loves everybody, decorates his office with gay stickers, wants you to picture an equality symblol inside a big red heart embroidered on a carebear that's being hugged by a cute little girl with pigtails as she giggles happily while daydreaming about butterflies, kitty-cats, puppies, and equal rights for gay Americans (he was my personal favorite)

    • Mike Gravel - said most old people are flat-out stupid, impressively named off all three of the gays in Alaska, periodically appeared to be fighting the urge to beat off while talking about the need for more love in the world

    • Bill Richardson - defended his belief that homosexuality is a choice by saying he isn't a scientist, but is still able to sympathize with people that choose to be gay because he's half Hispanic

    • Hillary Clinton - seemed to be the crowd favorite, most likely because she wore a necklace of coral-colored anal beads as a gesture of goodwill, Melissa Etherige was visibly unimpressed

    Friday, August 3, 2007

    Hero of the Week: Newt Gingrich

    This week, young Jesus-blind white devils also known as the National Conservative Student Conference were gathered to have their flat-earth Christian beliefs refreshed by rich, influential assholes. Instead, they were treated to a little truth smackdown courtesy of guest speaker Newt Gingrich.

    Ol' Newtie came to the podium and quoted some statistics from Detroit, where black males are more likely to go to prison than to succeed. Surprisingly, he didn't equate this to a lack of prayer in schools. Instead, he said, "How can we tolerate systems more likely to send young Americans to prison than college?"

    He also went on to say the following...much to the dismay of the group of privileged whitebread dickheads:

    • Republicans have this maniacally dumb idea of red versus blue. They say Detroit is a blue place, so we're not going to go there.
    • Republican political doctrine has been a failure
    • Look at New Orleans. How can you say that was a success?
    • We've been in charge for six years and I don't think you can look around and say that was a great success.
    • We have got to get beyond this political bologna. I'm not allowed to say anything positive about Hillary Clinton because then I'm not a loyal Republican, and she's not allowed to say anything positive about me because then she's not a loyal Democrat. What a stupid way to run a country.
    • None of you should believe we are winning this war
    • We are in a phony war ... we have not been taking this seriously.

    Wow Newt, what in the hell has gotten into you? And where did all that come from? I think it's obvious that he's been hanging out with his lesbian sister a little too much an now he's just spouting off a bunch of liberal mumbo-jumbo.

    For the full article, go to

    Saturday, July 28, 2007

    Support Israel or Go to Hell!!

    A freakishly revealing look at the Christians United for Israel conference.

    In summary:

    • Tom Delay is optimistic about Armageddon
    • Israeli Jews are merely Christians yet to be converted
    • Televangelists are just like Moses per Joe Lieberman
    • Rick Santorum is still respected by the dickheads of America
    • People that promote peace are actually Pro-AntiChrist
    • All Muslims are evil...obviously
    • Gay people are worse than animals

    (If video doesn't load, there is a link below)

    Rapture Ready: The Unauthorized Christians United for Israel Tour from huffpost and Vimeo.

    Wednesday, July 11, 2007

    GOP: God's Own Perverts

    I'm a little surprised that it's still newsworthy when a Republican gets caught up in a sex scandal these days. I'll admit though, it's such a sweet indulgence to watch their pompous fall from grace...

    Earlier this week, Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), golden boy of the family values twat-waffles, was exposed for having multiple sexual encounters with prostitutes in both New Orleans and D.C.

    What? A right wing hypocrite? But wait... it gets better!

    Today, Florida State Senator Bob Allen, a married Republican, was arrested after soliciting an undercover male officer for oral sex in a park restroom. Apparently, the authorities noticed the Senator cruising the restroom, so one of the officers followed him inside. The Senator then offered the cop $20 to let him perform oral sex on him. It seems that "Bob" really lives to up his name.

    I think the Republican Party could save its overworked aides a lot of headaches and writing cramps by just drafting an official prodedure and general press release that can be easily customized for future GOP sex scandals. Something like this maybe....

    • Step 1. Appear at press conference with solemn face
    • Step 2. Stand close to whitebread family and American flag
    • Step 3. Read the following statement
    My Fellow Americans,

    I, Senator/Representative [insert name here], stand before you today because I have committed a terrible sin involving [watered down details here].

    After much prayer and counsel, I have came to the decision to [resign? lie? blame the media?]. I deeply regret the pain that I have caused my family and America and have prayed [endlessly? continuously? perpetually? ceaselessly?].

    In time, I hope you can find it in your heart to both forgive and re-elect me... God. God. Wife. Children. Jesus. War on Terror. The Bible. Radical Islam. America. September 11th. Sanctity of Marriage. Liberals. Satan. Islamo-fasists. Family Values. Osama bin Laden. Church. U.S.A. God. God. God.

    ****7-17-07 UPDATE**** Senator Vitter must've read my blog and liked my here

    Friday, July 6, 2007

    Sunday, July 1, 2007

    American Indecency

    The American Decency Association has alerted me to a relatively new product that is tainting the youth of America with ideas of "unbiblical sexuality" using advertising that promotes willy-nilly lesbianism. The makers of this unholy product want to turn precious little girls into strap-on wearing, Indigo Girls loving, bull dykes. The product I'm referring to? Eclipse Fusion Gum...of course.

    Please let the makers of this evil bubble gum know that proper Christians will not sit idly by and support "a company that goes so strongly against the standard of God" while their daughters chew their way straight to Hell with a domestic partner and a sinful desire to resurrect the Lilith Fair.

    I would also encourage you to participate in the ADA's other boycotts of the following:
    ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, Victoria's Secret, Abercrombie & Fitch, Wal-Mart, Cosmopolitan, Family Guy, Grey's Anatomy, Desperate Housewives, The New Adventures of Old Christine, Howard Stern, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Cher, the FCC, MySpace, and Hardee's.

    Saturday, June 30, 2007

    Ann Coulter Gets Owned

    Ann Coulter is the biggest cunt in the whole universe. Ann Coulter is a moldy fuck stain with a degree from Cornell. Ann Coulter is Satan in a cheap, shitty dress. OK, deep breath... Ann Coulter is often characterized by her outspoken political rhetoric against those she perceives as liberal.

    This week on Hardball an unsuspecting Ann was given the smackdown by cancer victim/rich bitch/campaign cash juggernaut Elizabeth Edwards. Ann was taking phone calls from viewers when a very polite and composed Lizzy called in to ask Ann to please stop clouding the political waters with insults and irrelevant ramblings.

    The noticeably irritated Coulter then blathered on about being silenced by the wife of a presidential candidate before turning into a giant lizard (her true form) and slithering away. Elizabeth Edwards demurely disconnected the line to return to her mint julep, her mansion, and her multi-millionaire husband.

    Wednesday, June 27, 2007

    How to Not Hire Americans

    Is your corporation searching for new employees? Tired of lazy American workers and their constant demands? Looking to hire people that don't whine about things like benefits or overtime pay?

    Well, look no further!

    Your friends at Cohen & Grigsby are here to help!
    Our ethics-free attorneys have years of experience cheating labor laws to help your company get the low-cost immigrant workforce it desires. This is one seminar your shareholders won't want you to miss! ....See clip for full details.

    Central Intelligance Antics

    This week the CIA released sensitive documents from it's past that seem to reveal some mildly unorthodox investigations. Aside from inventing crack and killing Marilyn Monroe, here are some other things the CIA has done:

    • tested LSD on unsuspecting Americans without their consent
    • hired the mafia to assasinate world leaders they thought were poopy
    • wiretapped US journalists that didn't know how to shut the hell up
    • mistook Yuri Nosenko for a Russian spy, but later made ammends for imprisoning and torturing him by giving him a job with the agency

    Now that they've got that off their chests, the CIA would like to remind everyone that this is not something they would condone in modern times. Now please, go on about your business and stop asking questions.

    Tuesday, June 26, 2007

    Internet Now Available in Hell!

    In an email action alert sent out this week, the American Decency Association lashed out at the church for failing to take a stand againt the most despicable evil infecting American culture today....MySpace.

    The ADA proudly reminds us that they are the only ones "able to see and agree with the moral standards of God" and have chastized so-called Christians who have the audacity to take part in "this pornographic site" known as MySpace.

    They are sternly advising true Christians to steer clear of MySpace and called it a place where "sin is being given a free pass". They've also said "Satan is having a field day with"

    Calls to Satan's rep were not immediately returned.

    Monday, June 25, 2007

    The New Way Forward in Iraq

    Soon after the old "Stay the Course" catch phrase became synonymous with widespread failure in Iraq, the MENSA members at the White House decided that what this war needed most was a new slogan. Thus, the new catch phrase "New Way Forward" was born.

    But what exactly does the "New Way Forward" entail you might ask yourself? Well first, as you've probably all ready heard, it means we're shipping off another 30,000 soldiers to Iraq... which makes sense since only a meager 70% of the American people disapprove of the war. Naysayers might say this is insanity, but that's just because they're unpatriotic.

    But wait, there's more. Our brilliant military leaders have also decided on a drastic change in strategy to combat the violence. They've decided to let logic prevail by making their wisest decision to date. Their new stategy? You guessed it....stop sectarian violence in Iraq by arming Sunni militants in a nation filled with mostly Shia citizens.

    Why on earth would we support Sunni militants that are often affiliated with Al Qaeda by giving them weapons and ammo? Well if you don't know the answer to that question then you're just as un-American as the Democrats. I can assure you though that it has nothing to do with the fact that Sunni extremists oppose the Shiite regime in Iran.

    Friday, June 22, 2007

    The Bellamy Salute