Friday, October 26, 2007

OMG Laura Bush is a Terrorist!

Today's the last day of Islamofascism Awareness Week and everyone is devastated that it's over so quickly. For one whole week businesses shut down, schools closed their doors, and families came together to learn all about stoning harlots, beheading infidels, inconveniently praying five damn times a day, and blowing everybody the hell up...all in the name of primitive moon gods called the Allahs!!!

First lady Laura Bush decided to be a real bitch and show everybody up by flying to the Holy Land... most likely to convert to Islam. In this picture, Laura's Muslim handmaiden (concubine) is teaching her how to look less trampy by putting on a hijab! Some in America hope Laura decides to opt for the full body burqa, perhaps in a flag motif as a show of patriotism.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Oklahoma Tells Islam to Kick Rocks

Earlier this week a group of Iranian financed, militant Oklahomafascists called the Ethnic American Terrorists Council got all bitchy when state lawmakers returned the Quran's they had been sent by the council, because they don't want to "endorse the idea of killing innocent women and children in the name of ideology". Controversy arose after it came to light that the Quran's were rejected, but a shipment of Bibles had been readily accepted by state lawmakers

Sinners were quick to point out that the Bible is also brimming with tales of rape and murder in God's name. Of course godless pagans love to nitpick endlessly about tiny little things, but that's because they're all going straight to Hell. Heathens should just keep their wicked opinions to themselves!

Besides, everybody all ready knows that Christianity is a loving religion and not all weird and freaky like Islam (well except for that part in Kings where they boil and eat their babies)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Anderson Cooper: Princess in Peril

Last night on CNN, boisterously homosexual Anderson Cooper went prancing around a bunch of third world countries to bring awareness to CNN's Planet in Peril...oh, and global warming...whatever . He teamed up with wildlife biologist and fellow tight shirt enthusiast, Jeff Corwin, to highlight just how much selfish westerners are ruining the whole goddamn planet.

Poor Miss Cooper was forced to flounce through dingy Thai marketplaces and was visibly sulking as he rode down some jungle river in a canoe paddled by his "knight in shining Baby Gap tee", Jeff Corwin. All that dirty work paid off though, Planet in Peril debuted to better than expected ratings and CNN decided to air the full episode despite the California wildfires, where coincidentally Anderson was also on location... flaming away like the rest of the wildfire.

For more info about the chronicles of our dying planet as narrated by a pastey homo, click here!

Condoleeza Rice: Not in the Mood for Your Shit Today

Condi Rice totally freaked everybody out today when she used her fucking creepy voodoo war goddess superpowers to make some pinko lady's hands ooze blood after that bitch had the nerve to bark at poor Condi for killing all those innocent Iraqis.

It's regrettable that things went down so harshly, but that crazy white lady needs to realize you can't just get all up in a black lesbian's face and start talking shit without expecting some consequences!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Inter-Bureau Memorandum

To: All Bureau Personnel
From: Secretary of Information
Re: Casual Fridays
CC: Al-Jazeera, GLAAD

Due to increasing Democratic oversight, casual Fridays will now be replaced with Cultural Diversity Fridays. We're proud to announce that our first theme will be Transgendered Muslims! Employees are encouraged to dress accordingly and prizes will be given for the most creative attire.

Suggested attire for men would include a burqa or maybe a less restrictive (more slutty) hijab while appearing visibly oppressed. Feel free to google "mothers of terrorists" for more creative ideas. Suggested attire for women would include long beards and flowing robes wired with crude explosives. Older women are encouraged to google "Ayman al-Zawahiri" for ideas. Larger, more robust women should google "Muqtada al-Sadr".

The first prize winner of the "Official Cultural Diversity Attire Contest" will receive a $50 gift certificate to the Cracker Barrel! The second place winner will receive a seven day surveillance-free communications pass courtesy of The Department of Homeland Security (Comcast customers excluded...sorry)

Participation is voluntary, but those who choose not to voluntarily participate will receive disciplinary action ranging from dirty looks to unnecessarily harsh waterboarding. The exception, obviously, excludes those of Jewish faith. Those individuals are exempt from pretty much everything, because Jews own America.

Kind regards,
The Secretary of Information

Saturday, October 20, 2007

Hillary Clinton is a Hateful, Racist Murderer

Exhibit A: She's a Ghandi-hating racist! Yeah, I know. I was shocked too when I found out, but it's a verifiable fact. Not only does she hate Ghandi, but she thinks all Indians own convenience stores. Can you believe that?

It is despicable for someone in her position to make an ignorant generalization against an entire race even if they do smell bad. Still, that is no excuse. Besides, not all Indians own convenience stores, okay Hillary! Some of them drive cabs... so whatever.

Exhibit B: She's a murderer. And I mean MURDERER! She's killed over forty-seven people!!! Her preferred methods are a nice quick bullet to the head or casually pushing people out of windows, but some of her more disturbing methods include:

  • Keith McMaskle - stabbed 113 times

  • James Milan - decapitated

  • James Wilson - hanged

  • Kevin Ives and Don Henry - fell asleep on railroad tracks (yeah right!)

Here's a link to all of her victims, but if you end up mysteriously dead after looking at the list, don't blame me.

So, In summary....Hillary Clinton: Hates Ghandi, Murders People, Bad for America

Friday, October 19, 2007


This week, a mini-media frenzy erupted after undead Nobel Prize zombie Jim Watson allegedly hinted that black people weren't as smart white people. Watson previously made headlines in 2000 when he said that women should be able to abort homosexual fetuses and that eugenics could be used to "cure" ugly girls.

The really important question is how long can you stare at this picture before your eyes start to bleed?

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Irrelevant Senator Finally Embraces Reality

Well, Gah-ahlly....Today, corny Kansas Senator Sam Brownback withdrew his senseless Republican bid for president because nobody would listen to him or give him any money. What a travesty! So much for that Brownback administration we were all hoping for. All three of his supporters are reported to be extra :(

Brownback will continue to represent the GOP and Kansas...which means he will teach creationism to undercover cops in public restrooms through morse code tapped out by his "not gay, never been gay" feet under the stall.

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Fred Thompson: Old-Ass Glory

Here's a clip of Fred Thompson speaking to a group of ungrateful motherfuckers that are so lazy that can't even manage to clap their conservative hands for an ancient grotesque redneck who's spending his twilight years campaigning for a presidential nomination so that dickheads like this have options in 2008.

I don't think Fred is getting the respect he deserves and I for one don't appreciate it. It can't be easy trying to come up with smart-sounding stuff to say in front of a bunch of unappreciative assholes, especially when you have no idea what you're talking about because of dementia!

These people need to respect their elders a little more. If I had been in that room I would have personally bitchslapped every single one of those unpatriotic bastards.

Friday, October 5, 2007

The State Department Has a Blog?

Was anyone else aware of this? OMG! Neither was I! Anyway, it's called DIPNOTE which is D.C. street slang for "diplomatic note". A diplomatic note is simply a note that ambassadors send to foreign ministers to negotiate bribes, arrange assassinations, and find hookers. It's not to be confused with DIPSHIT which is white people slang for "a person thought of as being contemptible" which they would never use because it's offensive and too close to the truth considering who's writing it.

This is a great place to hear governmenty stuff without the pesky annoyance of having to hear it spewed from Condi or Dana Perino's venomous, harpy lips. Plus, now all you whining bitch-ass liberals out there finally have an official place to leave snarky comments that no one except other whining bitch-ass liberals will bother to read.

I'm not sure what made Sean McCormack decide that it was such a great idea to start a blog, but I have a feeling that when a certain stern, black, lesbian Secretary of State finds out she's probably going to be pretty pissed off about it.

Here's the official DIPLINK

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Dominionists for Tancredo '08

Somewhere in the wilds of red state America, some completely crazy fundamentalist has been chosen by God to receive some, um, strange revelations which he has chosen to reveal to the world through his blog.

First off, God wants Tom Tancredo to become the next President. I don't really know why. Probably because God hates all Mexicans, which everyone all ready knew anyway. What's startling is some of the other revelations.

Like... Did you know that when Ron Paul loses the election he's going to buy Manitoba from Canada and start his own country? Maybe you also didn't know that Sam Brownback was going to "throw in the towel" and endorse Tancredo because of something to do with Mexican rape squads. Another thing you probably didn't know is that "pretzel eating Bavarians" are aiding Ron Paul in exchange for him naming his new country South Bavariastan?

Well, now you know.

You're welcome.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Jeff Gannon: Memoirs of a Gay

Mildly retarded homofascist Jeff Gannon evidently wrote down a bunch of words and called it a book. Oddly, it somehow got published. Even more odd is the fact that someone read it. Then a journalist wrote an article about it. Now I'm writing a blog about it. And you are reading it! When the hell is all this madness going to stop?

Anyway, I'll never read it, because I have more important things to do like bite my toenails or trim my nose hair. So I guess it's a good thing that some journalist summarized the wordy pamphlet. Apparently, Jeff is still mad at everybody for making fun of him for being a gay hooker and he hates real journalists and cunts like Helen Thomas, because they all got way better seats than him at press corps events even though he was the one that had to assfuck Scott McClellan and Karl Rove.

I could probably write more stuff but I really don't feel like it because I just noticed that Ann Coulter has started saying crazy shit yet again. So. Um. Later