Wednesday, November 28, 2007

I'm Late! I'm Late! For a CNN/YouTube Republican Debate!

  • 7:35 - Walnuts promises to do everything right and activates the buzz word "pork"
  • 7:36 - Rudy throws out "Ronald Reagan". How many times am I going to hear him and Mitt say "Ronald Fucking Reagan"?
  • 7:38 - Fred Thompson responds to a question about limited government by mumbling some nonsensical bullshit
  • 740 - OMG, Huckabee is totally biting on Ron Paul's schtick!
  • 7:52 - Duncan Hunter has decided to use his international fame and influence to tell everyone to "Buy American". Gee, thanks a lot,Duncan!
  • 7:53 - Fred Thompson doesn't know a motherfucking thing about his own campaign ads
  • 7:54 - Mitt Romney used to think it was okay to kill babies, but now he's not as enthusiastic about it.
  • 7:55 - Fred Thompson is drrrunk. He needs a bump!
  • 8:02 - Rudy quotes statistics. I'm getting sleepy. Oh shit, Rudy just got booed on gun rights! I'm sorry people, if you can't pass a government issued exam then you are a stupid motherfucker and accordingly should have no basic rights (whatsoever!)
  • 8:06 - Mitt Romney answers a question about inner city violence with a response about sexual predators?
  • 8:09 - Mitt Romney has said a lot of things tonight, but I just want to know if he is wearing his Mormon underwear.
  • 8:12 - Oh, Look! It's Fred Thompson stuttering about abortion. What an ogre!
  • 8:15 - Yuckleberry says Jesus would never run for president
  • 8:16 - Tancredo wishes Jesus would have the decency to kill all the goddamned Mexicans
  • 8:17 - Rudy reads the fucking Bible like all the time...because it's allegorical
  • 8:18 - Whoa, back up there, Mitt! Everybody knows that your Mormon "Bible" is not like the real "Bible" Bible
  • 8:19 - Ah Hell, now it's Bible School time here (where's my drink?) with all the unimaginably Christian Republicans (public restrooms not included!)
  • 8:25 - He did it! Rudy is finally getting to fawn over 9/11 and Islamic Terrorism. OMG, he's smiling!
  • 8:29 - Mitt Romney will water board every single fucking one of you if that's what it takes!
  • 8:34 - I guess Fred Thompson will just rant about anything....something about victory over the hip advertising of Islamofascism and high oil prices.
  • 8:40 - Ding! Ding! Ding! Rudy just said "Reagan" and "9/11" in the same sentence. Rudy has now said 9/11 four times in sixty seconds. It's called patriotism, people!
  • 8:42 - Fred Thompson + A question on the power of the Vice-President = Complete redneck gibberish that makes no fucking sense
  • 8:44 - What? Oh, Duncan Hunter does not have a campaign ad! Now CNN is just fucking with everybody...
  • 8:52 - This is a Republican debate, so things are (naturally) getting a little gay. Typical.
  • 9:0? - Yuckleberry just tried to reach out to the black community by calling them all diabetic, HIV+, hypertensive, poor people. Not cool, Yuckleberry! What a dick.
  • 9:08 - Ron Paul has more money and more fans than poor Walnuts....Walnuts sad :'(
  • 9:12 - Oh, I wish this bottle of wine wasn't empty!

    Monday, November 26, 2007

    Trent Lott's Hot! Gay! Hooker!

    Trent Lott, segregationist and bad hair victim, has resigned today to spend more time with his family and to pursue other man-sex with a gay hooker! Yay! That's right boys and girls, everyone's fave Mississippi Senator has allegedly been getting his "old balls" off with this well-bodied male located to the left. Now, I can't decide if I'm :) or :(, but come on everybody, let's all picture old, saggy Trent Lott buck naked and sweaty!

    Anyway, I have no idea if this story is true or not. BigHeadDC said it was true (yeah, they make shit up all the time though) but Larry Flynt also said he had a big sex scandal story involving a U.S. Senator that he would be publishing soon (just in time for the holidays...again YAY!)

    I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize for my overuse of run-on sentences and parentheses (it's all the booze, I can't help it)

    Also, if this becomes a big gay sex scandal, I would just like to go on record as being the first to refer to Trent Lott as Ole Miss.

    Tuesday, November 20, 2007

    Some Facts About Mormons

    Aside from being whitebread, bike riding cultists that breed incessantly, here are some other interesting things about Mormons that you might like to know:

    - Mormons are actually Satanic Freemasons

    - Mormons wear strange, ritualistic underwear

    - Mormons are a bunch of kid-fucking sex perverts

    - John Heder, Ricky Schroder, Wilford Brimley!!!

    Plus, they're all totally racist. Now, I know I accuse alot of people of being racist (because they are!), but the Holy Bible of Mormonisms says the most pure people are "white and delightsome". That's because Joseph Smith was a straight up motherfucking bigot! Plus they think that black people can only become pure if they breed if with other white people.

    Now, I have no idea (I didn't care enough to research) how they explain all the varieties of brown people, but I did notice that Mormons have no definitions for the Asian, most likely because (as most people all ready know) the Asians descended from highly efficient alien robots, not God.

    Seriously though, thumb through the odd Mormon "bible" sometime. You'll be all like....Oh. Weird. Weird. Racist. Weird. Boring. Racist. Racist. Weird. Boring....and then you'll be all "WTF!" and shut the book. Yeah. Here's a needlessly cheap video clip from the eighties as well.

    Saturday, November 17, 2007


    Yeah, so basically Mormons are bigtime freakshows. If anyone's ever been to the Mormon stronghold of Salt Lake City, they all ready know that this is a twisted, evil cult. The whole city revolves around the secret temple that only Mormons can enter, plus they have this crazy animated Jesus statue that speaks Mandarin or some shit to all the Asian tourists.

    Mormon religion is some weird mix of astrology and Christianity that says Jesus taught all the Indians to build casinos, because they're somehow related to all the money hungry Jews! Oh, and they think the promised land is really Independence, Missouri...even though that place is a total shithole.

    Mormons believe they can become a god after they die by annoying the piss out of everybody else, so they ride around on their stupid bikes and knock on people's doors at the worst possible times (like right after you just got high!) Then they go off to irritate everbody in some third world country as a "missionary" before coming back to take multiples wives and crank out as many creepy "Village of the Damned" babies as possible.

    Friday, November 16, 2007

    Inter-Bureau Memorandum

    To: All Bureau Personnel
    From: Secretary of Information
    Re: Mormonism Awareness Week
    CC: LDS Cult Leaders, Glenn Beck, Mitt Romney, The Osmonds

    I know everyone is hungover from the pathetic Democratic debate we were all forced to endure last night, but I wanted to remind everyone about next weeks theme: Mormonism Awareness Week. Please tailor your posts accordingly.

    There should be plenty of topics to cover...anything that supports the fact that Utah is owned by a bunch of creepy, racist, lily white, kid fucking, bike riding, polygamist, astrology cult people! And don't forget that they're all a bunch of door knockers that bug the shit out of people just before they recruit and brainwash them. Oh yeah, and their unnatural obsession with genealogy!

    Those lacking in creative ability or anything that doesn't sufficiently malign Mormons are permitted to substitute with YouTube clips.

    Kind Regards,
    The Secretary of Information

    Thursday, November 15, 2007

    Liveblogging the 793rd Democratic Debate of the Year

    Tonight's Democratic debate is on CNN. I'd planned a quiet night at home, but thanks to the socialist killjoys over at CNN, it looks like I'll be liveblogging(with shitloads of profanity) and chugging cheap red wine. Cheers.

    • 7:08pm - Very first question. Hillary smirks and then refers to her pantsuit as "asbestos"
    • 7:11pm - Hillary smirks again while Obama bashes her. I'm not sure if I should remark everytime Clinton smirks. Might get carpal tunnel.
    • 7:14pm - Some fucking heckler just interrupted Hillary and Obama's healthcare showdown. Thanks alot, citizen!
    • 7:18pm - Joe Biden is pissed about not getting face time and just said nobody cares about what Hillary, Barack, and Edwards are saying. I'll drink to that!
    • 7:21pm - John Edwards said he doesn't give a shit who you vote for, because he's all ready fucking loaded with cash.
    • 7:32pm - Democrats pretty much have no fucking clue if Mexicans should have driver's licenses or not.
    • 7:37pm - Bill Richardson wants to be the "Education President"....instead of just some fatass that nobody is ever going to vote for.
    • 7:41 - Joe Biden's kicking ass and taking names. It's a damn shame that he has such a shitty haircut.
    • 7:53pm - Oh snap, now Kucinich just got an attitude about not getting screen time. Looks like the second tier candidates ain't puttin' up with no bullshit tonight.
    • 7:55pm - Hey, where the hell is Mike Gravel? No wonder I'm so bored!
    • 8:13pm - Goddamn it! Hillary just shined. I forgot how cunning the Anti-Christ can truly be. Oh well, time to hit the bottle harder.
    • Holy Hell, they're gonna let real life Nevadans ask questions. This is gonna fucking suck!
    • 8:25pm - Some veteran's drunk ass mother just asked a question about war written on an index card. This is the most obviously planted question EVER! A fucking index card?
    • 8:32pm - OMFG! Some lady in the most hideous vest/smock I've ever seen just asked a question about Blackwater. I don't really care about the candidates responses, I'm too busy grimacing at the floral pattern on that vest.
    • 8:38pm - Oh, Christ on a cracker, some terrorist just stood up and bitched about being profiled. Boo Hoo. Of course, like true Democrats they're sympathizing with him. Fucking candy asses. People, if you don't want to be profiled then don't be a Muslim! It's that simple...
    • 8:42pm - WTF! Now Chris Dodd is up there speaking fucking Mexican to all the burrito people. Aye aye aye! No somos México del norte.
    • 8:44pm - Some old stuttering hag with blue eye shadow and a big gold Wal-Mart hair scrunchy is barking about Social Security. It's hard to focus on the candidates with so many citizens asking questions. God, I hate real Americans.
    • 9:04pm - Blah, blah, blah, blech, blech....Is this ever going to end? Even the candidates look fucking bored.
    • 9:09pm - Yay! It's finally over. In summary: Biden/Kucinich '08

    Ok seriously, I'm never fucking live-blogging again. I am exhausted (and drunk!). Plus, now I'm hungry for burritos. Oh holy hell, now Miss Anderson Cooper is following up with pundit commentary. Who cares? I am done. Fuck everybody. Fuck America!

    Haw Haw!

    Here at the Bureau, it's no surprise that we hate that pantsuit wearing, devil with a vuh-jay-j Hillary Clinton. Ultimately though, our supreme hatred is reserved for the utterly comtemptible Nosferatu and 9/11 enthusiast, Rudy Motherfucking Giuliani!

    Not just because he's a crossdressing, baby eating abortionist, but also because he has hideous vampire-like features and his stupid-ass accent is annoying as all hell. We're glad to see that the voters in Iowa seeem to share our abbhorence of such a nefarious creature.

    Check out this lovely picture of Rudy while campaigning in Iowa (click the photo to enlarge). Yes, Rudy looks just as evil as ever and yes, the wallpaper behind him is ridiculously distateful, but take a look at the sign on the lamp. Who knew those crafty Iowans could make a photo-op so ironic?

    Thursday, November 1, 2007

    The GOP Not-Gay Fuckfest Continues

    Sigh. It just kind of becomes redundant after awhile, doesn't it? Just when you think you've heard the sleaziest story about some crusty Republican trying to score some cock, some even sleazier story comes to light. Then you're left sadly gimacing as the horrifying mental image burns itself into your mind...while shaking your head helplessly and thinking to yourself, "Oh, God no! Why? WHY!"

    This time it was Washington state Rep. Richard Curtis... He got busted after having sex with a male prostitute he met while wearing women's lingerie in an erotic bookstore he was cruising. He was quick to point out repeatedly, however, that he is not gay. Whew! Well thank God! He's a crossing dressing closet freak that likes to troll porno shops in search of unprotected sex with young male hookers, but least he is not gay. What a huge fucking relief!

    So far, he's yet to release a complete disclosure of bullshit excuses of what happened, but I'm sure we'll all get some canned denials answers pretty damn soon.

    For the unfortunate details made slightly more bearable by Wonkette's comedic stylings, click here