Saturday, December 22, 2007

The War Against Christmas Rages On

Just the other day while I was in the express line at Wal-Mart picking up some ribbon candy and a Whitman's sampler, the cashier had the audacity to look me dead in the eye and tell me "Happy Holidays". One can only imagine the affront to my Christian sensibilities.

So, I politely explained to the young lady that saying Happy Holidays is something that only tramps, homosexuals, and people that worship false gods say to cover the shame of the fact that they will soon be roasting in the flames of Hell. I suggested that instead of saying Happy Holidays she should in fact rejoice and shout "Happy Birthday, Precious Baby Jesus!"

She smiled and nodded and then I noticed how brown she was. Oh, the poor dear was a Mexican! She probably didn't speak a lick of English except for the words Happy Holidays which I suspect had been taught to her by one of her (most likely atheist) superiors. I thought about asking to speak to her manager, but I was in a bit of a time crunch as I still had to go rent a donkey for the live Nativity scene we do annually at First Calvary. Sometimes as a Christian Soldier you have to choose your battles wisely.

Monday, December 17, 2007

If Our Leaders are Idiots, What Does That Make Us?

Well, in my absence I see we've added a Christian Correspondent. How fucking wonderful! Anywho...I was planning to write something about the boo-hoo fest on CNN, Heroes, but every time I watched it I cried (and then I drank), so instead I decided to write about some bloviated rich dickheads, which is more fun anyway. So, here we go...

  • Alan Keyes - Former Ambassador of Cuh-razy/2008 Candidate: Alan seriously, stop berating America! Take a look at his campaign website. Yeah, not only does he want you to vote for the nerdy black version of Hitler, he also wants you to sign a contract that you'll recruit five people and that you'll spot him five bucks for some "seed money"...Alan, I don't even want to know what "seed money" means to a Republican these days.

  • Al Gore - Former Vice President/Current Enviro-Fatass: Yes Al, we've all heard about the global warmings and what not. Must you constantly browbeat Americans about our energy use and our goddamned carbon footprint? Al, in all seriousness, we'll change our fucking light bulbs when we feel like it, okay! Can't you just go back to eating Yangtze River Dolpin or whatever endangered species of the month it is that you're stuffing in your big bossy piehole. And Al, stop dipping it in ranch dressing.

  • Joe Lieberman – Senator/ Jewish Sharpei: Joe “Let’s Protect America by Killing the Whole Fucking World” Lieberman used to be a Democrat until he fell head over heels in love with the sweet and fanciful War on Terror! So now he's an independent, whatever the hell that means. Anyway, he’s decided to endorse Walnuts “I Am Friggin Broke and Busted as All Hell” McCain. Yeah, so now everybody out there that hates all the terrorists, but still loves the festive Home Depot Salsa Mexicans are totally gonna vote for Walnuts. Yay! That means cheap labor from all the brown people and a bunch of really pissed off rednecks. Sounds like a win-win to me!

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Negroes Certainly are Making a Fuss Lately

  • Wayward sorceress Oprah Winfrey has been fanning the flames of Hell by campaigning for the Islamic terrorist, Barack HUSSEIN Obama. I pray for her every 45-50 minutess.

  • Why do blacks want to make the precious baby Jesus cry by celebrating the fake holiday of Kwanzaa?

  • Does slap-happy Cynthia McKinney not know that we all ready have at least one certifiably crazy black person running for President?

  • Michael Vick is in a heap of trouble for dogfighting. I hope they don't have a law about rooster's fighting or our Ladies Auxiliary Club may have some explaining to do over certain fundraisers...

  • In other news, Satan may have cursed us with foreclosures, but the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost have graced us with home prices at an all time low!

  • Also, has a snappy new flash design on their site. Extreme evangelism never looked so thoughtfully designed!

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

One Way or Another, Iran's Gonna Get It

- You know how we've all been told that Iran is all nuke-ular and what not? Well, it turns out that might have been total bullshit.

- Even though the government now says Iran poses no threat, President Bush would like to remind everyone that Iran poses a threat?

- Oh, and Israel is pissed!

- Also, more completely asinine details about the Dem-olester are coming to the "media's" attention....something about janky sweater parties and kidfucking. This whole story would have been way cooler on Dateline NBC!

- Rich Christian assholes can't be bothered with trivial Senate inquiries.

- Speaking of Christians, Bill Keller is still being a dick.

- And last but not least... The Jews are still evil!

Sunday, December 2, 2007