Wednesday, February 20, 2008

The Entire Life Story of President Cynthia McKinney

Hey guys, guess what? U.S. President-elect McKinney has released the world's longest movie ever. It's thirty-three hours and sixteen minutes long! She tells the whole story in excruciating detail of how she pretty much singlehandedly invented the American civil rights movement. We also find out that she turned Bayard Rustin gay before rising to power to become America's first black, female, third party President. At the end she strangles herself with an American flag scarf! It's tragic and uplifting all at the same time. This video is the most important motion fucking picture in the entire history of humankind! Long live the Green Party and whatever it is those people stand for.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Betty Butterfield Endorses Ron Paul

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Black People Hate Al Sharpton Too

Today, a communist propaganda leaflet called "New York Times" reported that Charles Barkley will finally run for governor of the dentally-challenged Alabama Commonwealth. Hooray!

He also stated that he would not seek endorsements from Jesse "I hate Himeytown Jews" Jackson or Rev. Al "motherfucking race riot" Sharpton. Barkley explained his lack of pandering by saying he "doesn't believe in them" which I'm assuming is either because they're pompous black assholes or maybe he just doesn't like trolling for media whore endorsements. Hey, I'm just speculating.

I'm also going to assume that Mr. Barkley is planning to run on some strange third party ticket, because he said, "Sometimes the race card is needed but not in every situation. We have to hold blacks more accountable for their actions". Wha??? Such a bold statement is not something a Democrat would say, because well, we all know who they pander to for votes whereas Republicans are whitebread KKK racists that don't allow non-whites in their big gay! gay! GAYYY!!! tent.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. I actually didn't know that Alabama was able to afford a governor. Is it Charles Barkley that Frank Caliendo is impersonating in that one commercial where he says "turrible knucklehead"? And don't even get me started on Alabama! My Xanax is kicking in...

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A Synopsis of Remaining Repugs

I guess maybe I should have written some shit about Super Tuesday, but I purposely tuned it out and not just because I've been on a week long binge of red wine and Xanax!

Once it comes to the point where every other channel I flip to is election related, I just turn the other cheek and hit the bottle, because ultimately I feel like the corporate media has a stranglehold on what our perception of the candidates is going to be anyway. In the spirit of that last sentence, I'm going to provide my completely irrelevant analysis of each of the remaining Republican candidates.

Mike Huckabee - Some redneck that makes jokes and talks all Jesusey, but he let a very, very brown rapist out of prision so he could rape and murder some more. Bummer! Sadly, the white conservative electorate frowns upon non-white rapist murderers, especially when they're not imprisoned. Oh, and Huckabee's son killed a dog, most likely out of frustration stemming from the fact that he's so visibly motherfucking repulsive no woman would ever touch him. So don't vote for Huckabee unless you're a Christian sadist into animal cruelty and rape!

John McCain - McCain rose to prominence after being imprisoned and tortured by the Redcoats during the American Colonial Revolution. He's currently the Republican frontrunner, which has drawn the ire of true conservatives due to the fact that he wants to use his magical puffy cheeks to turn America into the United States of Amenesty for Welfare Mexicans. On a side note, he is also the oldest living albino in the entire world!

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has raised a shitload of money from middle aged white guys that live in their mom's basement and spend all day taking antipsychotics while listening to Alex Jones. Surprisingly, money doesn't translate in to real world results, which is sort of ironic considering this is America. Ultimately, Ron Paul failed to gain support, because mainstream Americans are way too fucking stupid to comprehend anything that he's ranting about.

Mitt Romney - A well coiffed member of the Mormon Cult. Romney has maintained a somewhat strong presence in part by pumping millions of his own personal fortune into his campaign. Part of Romney's popularity is due to the fact that he agrees with both sides of every issue depending on where and who he's speaking to, but lately seems to have lost momentum becaused Republicans are hesitant to vote for a Masonic cultist that wears strange underwear. Also, Mitt Romney was recently voted the most dislikeable candidate, because America hates creepy fucking Mormons.

All right, that's it for now, I may write about the Democrats later, if I'm not too wasted or haven't been mysteriously killed by member of the Clinton Crime Syndicate.

Friday, February 1, 2008

Hey Lady, Look at My Weiner!

Today, Colorado State Rep. Michael Garcia resigned after an unnamed lobbyist accused Garcia of propositioning her at a fundraiser by pulling out "Lil Mikey" and saying, "Wouldn't this look good inside you?". Priceless!

The lobbyist also said, "He just walked around the pool table and unzipped his pants and pulled everything out" Ha! Ha! Ha! And here I thought Republicans were the only ones victimizing citizens with their little dicks.

Well anyway, I guess the mean, frigid lobbyist shrew decided it actually wasn't all that tempting because instead of taking him up on his offer she filed a formal complaint. She said that she felt compelled to file the complaint after learning that Garcia had at least "four similar allegations over the last seven years".

Four similar allegations? Seriously? Now, I'm certainly not a scientist, but how many motherfucking times do you really have to horrify women with the sight of your obviously unimpressive prick before a moment of clarity kicks in and you start to realize that maybe, just maybe, you're the only one interested in looking at it? Hey, you know, I'm just saying...[Denver Post]