Sunday, September 30, 2007

Alan Keyes Still Isn't Done Losing Elections

I had no idea Alan Keyes was running for something again, but to my surprise when I tuned into the Republican debate the other night there he was on the stage. I kind of had to squint my eyes before saying to myself, "What the hell is Alan Keyes doing up on stage?"

Alan Keyes is a consistent man. He consistently loses any election he runs for. He also consistently says and does things that make him look like a total jackass. Things such as: (cue bullet points)

  • Saying prison is a good place for black men to get an education

  • Said welfare to the poor has destroyed the black family

  • Claimed that gay marriage would promote incest

  • Called Dick Cheney's lesbian daugher a "selfish hedonist". Ironically, his own daughter Maya is a lesbian (he has since disowned her, but said he still loves her even though she's going to hell)

  • Said that God caused 9/11, because of abortion

  • Blamed the fact that nobody would vote for him on the media

As a gesture of goodwill towards the mentally ill, I've decided to help him out a little with a few bumper stickers to help give his campaign some much needed visibility. No thanks necessary. Just doing my patriotic duty.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Duncan Hunter is a Shit Sack

What makes Duncan Hunter think he has a chance in hell of winning the Republican presidential nomination? I have no idea. Another valid question you might ask is...Who the hell is Duncan Hunter? And that's an entirely valid question, because most people either have no clue who he is or they know him and subsequently hate his guts.

Duncan Hunter is a lazy Republican Senator that only shows up to vote about 2/3 of the time or just whenever he feels like it. He was also a member of the appropriations committee that sent everybody's kids to war with nothing but a gun, not bothering to provide them with body armor or explosive resistant vehicles. Plus his hair really sucks and everything he says is either incorrect, a lie, or totally irellevant.

Here's a few examples of Hunter's stupid-assery just from the black debate on PBS last night:

  • Hunter totally dodged a question on the racial inequalities of the justice system by encouraging black people to join the military and go to war

  • Stammered when the moderator told him he didn't answer the question and still couldn't manage to come up with a decent answer

  • He proudly kept repeating the word "barrio" to try to connect with the mostly black audience...because he doesn't know the difference between black Americans and Hispanics.

Duncan Hunter is someone I write about so that later in life I can look back on my blog and say, "Who the hell was that guy and why was I writing about him?"? Oh, and don't even get me started on "Family Values" Brownback and his Gomer Pyle-like voice.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Louisiana Racists Pummelled by Hurricane Sharpton

This week, Rev. Al Sharpton has taken time from his busy schedule of inciting hatred toward Jews, getting crusty shock-jocks fired, whoring himself to the media, and maintaining his unflattering pompadour hairstyle to travel to the KKK stronghold of Jena, La. to support a group of black scapegoats that are being unfairly punished for beating up some gun toting honky.

Originally, Al said he had no plans to travel to Jena until some future trailer owning white students hung nooses at the school as a witty reference back to the days when Louisiana was unfathomably redneck instead of just severely redneck as it is in modern times. Al said that once race was brought into it he felt obligated to speak up I guess because he thinks that everybody really cares about his opinion.

Unfortunately though, this incident in Jena has the potential to create unnecessary racial tensions between black and white America and distract us from more important things like uniting against Hispanic immigrants and killing Muslims.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

From the Desk of Chairman O'Reilly

Today, loofah enthusiast Bill O'Reilly released on official declaration commanding the government to bring back the Office of War Information. Their duty would be to censor any media that doesn't promote the murder of people for oil and political power War on Terror.

According to Bill, this is necessary because a bunch of "loons" in Hollywood insist on running around all liberal and stirring up a bunch of unpatriotic shit with their willy-nilly rampage of truth telling. His prime example is Brian DePalma's upcoming film "Redacted" which chronicles the gang rape and murder of a teenage Iraqi girl and her family by US soldiers.

Although Bill acknowledges that the incidents at Haditha and Abu Ghraib were horrible, he just doesn't see why America-hating liberals feel the need to go around constantly talking about it, because ulimately "we are hurting our own country" and of course because it will "incite young Muslim men all ready steeped in hatred toward America".

Bill also said something about the Office of War Information censoring or completly outlawing CNN, MSNBC, Keith Olberman, Rosie O'Donnell, DailyKos, Michael Moore, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Cindy Sheehan, Mexicans, blogs, blogospheres, falafels, and embarassing sexual harassment settlements.

Here's a patriotic yet oppressive link to the full article.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Iraq? Oh, It's a Blast!!

An optimistic General Petraeus said today that things were just fucking fabulous in sunny Iraq. Sure there's still some bloodshed and the slight risk of everything imploding in a shitstorm of bullets and body parts, BUT... it's way better than it was. In fact, we might be able to let a couple of soldiers come home soon, or around Christmastime, or maybe next summer, or perhaps a little further down the road than that....but soon nevertheless. We still can't set a timetable for withdrawal and run the risk of "emboldening" our enemy...obviously.

Here are just a few of the things that the US has done to improve things in Iraq since annointing General Petraeus:

  • Stopped reporting how many hours a day that Baghdad is without power

  • No longer recording casualties resulting from car bombs

  • Only reporting casualties if they were shot from behind in sectarian violence statistics

  • Created "peace" in Anbar, Ramadi, etc. by arming the hell out of Sunni militias

  • Established so much breathing room for political gains that the Iraqi government took a whole month off to relax

Republicans and general warmongers are pleased as punch that Petraeus had such an enthusiastic report. Plus this is a bitchslap to the fiz-ace for all those anti-war pussies that hate the troops and want us to lose the war. Petraeus has turned the miserable wasteland of Iraq into the new Disneyland....a bloody, gorey, nightmarish, Muslim Disneyland. I mean, so what if they don't have the "teacups" ride. Soon you'll be able to whimsically cruise down the scenic Euphrates while riding atop one the many floating corpses still being dumped there on a regular basis.

General Petraeus would also like to remind the American people that although he's a puppet of the Bush administration, the White House had absolutely no influence whatsoever on his reporting.

Ambassador Ryan Crocker also said some shit that nobody really listened to.

Friday, September 7, 2007

George Bush: Still a Dumbfuck

I'm starting to feel a little sad for The Decider(even though he's a mass murdering redneck). He's gotta know he blows at public speaking. Yet, he does it anway. By now his poor speechwriters have probably just resigned themselves to words with as few syllables as possible and just given the rest to God, knowing that Junior is just going to fuck it all up anyway before going down in a blaze of failed metaphors and stuttering idiocy.

Well, it's happened again...This time it was at the APEC forum in Sydney, Australia. He only got three sentences into his speech before the stupid started pouring out. Here's the rundown:

  • The Decider thanked the Australian Prime Minister for inviting him to the OPEC Summit.....but it's APEC, OPEC is entirely different
  • Then tried to correct himself by saying the Australian PM had invited him to the OPEC Summit next year....again incorrect, since neither the US or Australia are OPEC members
  • Proudly thanked Australia for sending its Austrian troops to Iraq...sigh
  • Almost blindly walked off of a "steep drop" as he wandered aimlessly around the stage looking for an exit.

Strangely, there was no applause until The Decider actually exited the stage. Thank god this happened in Australia where everyone's drunk and will soon forget this ever happened.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Don't Even Bother '08

Well yawn, that was two hours of my life that I'll never get back. Rudy looked like a raccoon due to overuse of concealer and obviously Mitt Romney has someone on the payroll who is in charge of keeping him spray tanned. He almost looked Mexican....which is really not a good thing for a Republican.

The only remarkable thing of the night was Ron Paul taking on Yuck-Yuckabee with regard to the stupidity in Iraq. Huckabee said some shit. Ron Paul said some shit back. Paul made the most sense, so accordingly.....Fox did all they could to completely ignore him. Sean Hannity got bitchy when America didn't play along and gave Paul the clear lead with 33% of the vote in the text message poll.

Brownback seemed kinda faggotty and said "family values" repeatedly after throwing Larry Craig under the bus....which means you probably wanna steer clear of Miss Nancy-Pants Brownback anytime you see her near a public restroom.

Nobody really cares who you vote for in 08 anyway, because God and the media have all ready pre-ordained Hillary the Anti-Christ as our next ruler. The sooner everyone realizes this the easier it will be. So just save yourself some gas money and the embarassment of telling your friends that you tried to prevent all this Armageddon nonsense by casting you stupid vote for Yuck-Yuckabee.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Men in Suits Behind Podiums Telling Lies on Fox

Tonight, the dickheads over at Fox News will host yet another asinine Republican debate that hardly anyone will be bored enough to even bother watching. Here are my predictions:

  • Mitt Romney will have big hair and way too much always
  • Rudy Giuliani will say 9-11, 9-11, War on Terror, Radical Islam!!!!
  • Yuck-Yuck Huckabee will tell jokes.....Gosh, he's so dang funny
  • Tom Tancredo will remind us that he still hates Mexicans
  • Ron Paul will say the truth, and therefore be automatically overlooked
  • I don't think Thompson will be there...he's still officially contemplating the possibility of maybe pondering the idea of considering an official candicacy....which he will then promptly lose
  • McCain will defend amnesty, say something about Vietnam, and look like a bloated albino dwarf
  • Hunter and Brownback won't have anything remarkable to say. It won't be worth your time to listen to them. Feel free to change the channel when they speak.
After the debates, I'll be sure to post the summary of the candidates answers. This should be rivetting....