Thursday, July 31, 2008

Post#100: On Vanity Fair

In America there exists a terrible fashion magazine called "Vanity Fair". It is a sad rag no one ever reads unless Martha Stewart is prattling on about the homemade shanks she made while serving hard time at Camp Cupcake or if they have willowy naked gals on the cover (which they do every three months).

You can often find this fashion magazine languishing around unread in places such as vericose vein removal boutiques and sometimes at the more upscale Korean nail salons. Their most recent claim to fame was the photo of a dazed Miley Cyrus after she had been viciously date raped by Annie Liebowitz.

Now Vanity Fair is creeping people out all anew after just releasing their "International Best Dressed List". OMG this list is a Hot Fucking Mess. Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama came in second for chrissakes! And do you know why she made the list? Because of that awful purple dress she wears almost every single day, that's why!

Thankfully they didn't re-run a picture of that damn thing. Instead, they substituted with a photo of Michelle in a very pretty, flowing black number accessorized with a big necklace of opulent Janjaweed blood diamonds.

The worst part, however, was not Michelle O. and the purple dress that will not die. No, the worst part was waiting at #17 on the list: Count Manfredi Della Gherardesca (pictured above).

Let's take a look at his nice blazer, shall we? It's pink velvet with an orange floral batik pattern! Holy Jesus Christ, is that ever gay? When he's lounging around at home he likes to dance around in front of the mirror in this fancy blazer with some six inch come-fuck-me pumps and a sassy skirt with little print appliques of Richard Simmons finger-fucking himself in various positions. Because he is that gay.

Don't ever buy a Vanity Fair magazine. [ Vanity Fair ]

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Muslims are Coming!

Celebrity politican "Black Truffle" Barack Obama will be visiting the gun-clinging Pentecostals of Southwest Missouri this Wednesday to spread his message of Hope, Change, and Whatever Else to a bunch of wretched honkeys that will probably all just vote for McCain anyway.

Severely intoxicated sources reported that campaign staff and security began arriving early Saturday, but were forced to hastily change hotel accomodations after an altercation with a powerbitch neocon employee that stated "Democrats never have their shit together" and then sent them down the street to the low-budget traveler's hostel called the "Holiday Inn Express".

The Bureau learned of Obama's upcoming visit on Saturday afternoon after accidentally infiltrating a pool party of notorious liberal insiders. Unfortunately, your intrepid editor was unable to report this important scoop, due to a dizzying combination of vodka and sunshine and also because the hamsters that power the "system" have unionized and refuse to work in any sort of lame-ass Windows Vista related environment.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Michelle Obama Terrorizes Colorado

Mountain-dwelling nomads from the remote western enclave of "Denver" were graced with the presence of Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama yesterday. They were so grateful to see someone so famously famous that they even put her picture on the front of their daily tri-fold brochure called the Rocky Mountain News! Unverified sources for the bureau report that they had originally planned on running a picture of hobos standing next to their McMansion with a foreclosure notice and the headline Could We Be Headed for a Recession? But then Michelle flew in and saved the day!

Accompanying the front page photo of Michelle flouncing into a large gas-guzzling SUV was an article in the "Style Matters" section chronicling Michelle O.'s sense of style matter. It was written by two fashion ladies and I hate to say it, but one of them had a very suspiciously Mexican sounding name: Evelinda.

I don't know, this Evelinda broad seemed very surly. She called Michelle non-descript and boring, said Michelle was certainly no Condi, and worst of all she called her handsome. Didn't they call Barbara Bush handsome?

I think Evelinda may have forgotten that not long ago, during the primary season, we all had to suffer through Michelle harumphing around the country in that goddamn purple Barney dress. So anything is a step up from that. I'm just saying... [Rocky Mountain News]

Monday, July 14, 2008

Letters From the Heart

America's sweetheart, little Annie Coulter, recently penned a very nice tribute to the memory of dead racist fuckbag Jesse Helms. And boy, was it ever a tear jerker. It was almost as touching as that time Ann said all the widows of 9/11 were just a bunch of fame whores.

Ann kicked off her eulogy by calling Helms one of the Great American Patriots. She then artfully trumpeted the soft-heartedness of Helms - from the fact that he actually let black people work for him to the fact that he even let his wife keep a mentally challenged orphan as a pet.

Coulter also wanted to let all you New York Times latte-sippers know that Jesse Helms was not the repugnant bigot that his words and actions portrayed him to be, thank you very much! He was simply against "movements", that's all.

If you're not too busy washing your hair or biting your toenails, you should totally read this noteworthy piece of um, work. [ Ann Coulter ]

Here are some other interesting pieces about the Great American Patriot, Jesse Helms:

Jesse Helms Was No Hero - WSJ
The Death of Jesse Helms - Washington Note
Media Downplay Bigotry of Jesse Helms -
What You Need to Know about Jesse Helms - Mother Jones

Saturday, July 12, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Green Party Nominates Cynthia McKinney

The environmental terrorists that comprise Ralph Nader's tragically pointless Green Party have nominated the violent police brutality advocate and former Congresswoman Cynthia "Oom-fu-fu" McKinney as their presidential candidate. This is an historic moment in U.S. political history, because it marks the first time a political party that no one cares about has nominated an African-American female. Historians will look back on this pivotal moment in American history and ask themselves: Who in the hell was Cyntia McKinney?

[CNN Election Center 2008]

They Done Throwed Our Preacher in the Clink

To: All Members of the Middleboro Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name

From: Some Religious Hillbilly

RE: Notice for funds

I just wanted to let y'all know that them damn devil police have arrested our beloved pastor, Rev. Jimmy Coots, as well as confiscated all the snakes we use to dance around the church barefoot to show our devotion to the Lord.

Them police officers have completely cleaned us out! They got all 50 copperheads, 11 timber rattlers, 1 western diamondback, 3 water mocassins, 2 cobras, and worst of all - the puff adder we call Bubba. He was my most favorite outta all of em. All in all, them sum'bitches took over one hunnerd of our snakes plus the alligator we'd been savin for the revival!

I guess they been watching us ever since those two awful sinners died after gettin bit by our Holy Serpents. We all know that was not our fault. Those people weren't livin right or they never woulda died! Next they're gonna be tellin us we can't drink strichnine no more. I thought this was America, where you could worship the Lord however you want to?

We will be passing the collection plate around twice this Sunday, so that we can bail poor Pastor Coots outta jail and then hopefully go buy some more damn snakes. So please, give all you can spare. The Lord will surely reward you for your generosity.

[Lexington Herald-Leader]

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

An Olive Branch for Clinton Supporters

Hello Fellow Americans! Are you old and white and mad as all hell because Hillary Rodham Clinton got the shaft from all those far-left liberals that voted for the Socialist African Mullah instead of sweet innocent Apple Pie Hillary?

Have you since spent your time thinking of ways to get even with the godforsaken Democratic Party by trolling lame websites like in a useless effort to take some sort of a stand? Do you enjoy leaving funny comments on pro-Hillary message boards like "I AM NOT RACIST BUT I WILL NEVER VOTE FOR BLACK PEOPLE!"? Are you a member of the fancy new Write-In Party USA ?

Well, I would like to inform you of a new website I've discovered that will still allow you to throw away your meaningless vote, but in a much more kick ass sort of way. It's called and it is the best website in the whole world ever!

There is no need to thank me, but you are welcome to do so anyway.