Monday, September 29, 2008

House Tells Wall Street to Suck It

The entire U.S. economy collapsed today after the House of Representatives decided not to give Hank Paulson a big stack of borrowed Chinese money to throw at Wall Street. This latest development in the terribly boring economic saga raises three very important questions:

1. Will we all be squatting in foreclosed McMansions next week?

2. Will we be forced to eat dirt cookies for sustenance?

3. Will they have free wi-fi at the bread lines for those of us that haven't yet pawned our laptops to make ends meet?

P.S. Also, this is all Nancy Pelosi's fault! [Wall Street Journal]

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Post Debate Hangover

Last night's Historic Presidential Debate really was something special! If you missed it, check out the Cynics' Party liveblog.

I feel like the most Americaniest American in the whole world, because not only did I watch the debate, but I also labored through one zillion hours of elitist CNN liberals prattling on with their analysis both before and after the debate. I endured this torture by patriotically smoking so much Mexican stank that I developed black lung and finally passed out in my desk chair from lack of oxygen and a seizure induced by staring at CNN's real-time chart things for too long. It's called Country First, people!

Anyway, it was refreshing to see that both candidates have absolutlely no real solutions for fixing our busted ass economy, which is why I should probably wrap up this entry so I can make a run on the Wal-Mart Supercenter to stock up on canned ham and ramen noodles. I don't want to be one of those poor suckers that have nothing to eat but the grass in their neighbor's foreclosed lawn when the New Depression drops on Monday.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Katie Couric is Sexist Against Women

I am truly sickened with the mainstream media's unrelenting sexism against Sarah Palin. This YouTube clip is just more proof of CBS's notorious liberal bias. Wake up, America! These media socialists are purposely making Sarah Palin look like a complete idiot by employing the following dirty tactics:

1. Asking her relevant questions
2. Letting her answer those questions
3. Broadcasting the interview
You know, John McCain was a prisoner of war for over five years. He bravely crashed his plane into Vietnam for the sake of freedom in America! I think it's about damn time these ungrateful media elites start showing him and his dumbass idiot running mate a little respect!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sweetheart, Did Jesus Touch Your Googly?

The Bureau of Mockery is bringing you this special late-night bulletin to let you know that Evangelicals are chaste and pious except that they all fuck gay hookers, young children, or both... due to their secret meth addiction. This is a finite truth.

Tonight, police raided Tony Alamo Ministries in Arkansas and began interviewing children as part a child pornography investigation involving physical abuse, sexual abuse, polygamy, and underage marriage.

Poor Mr. Alamo compared his legal troubles to the persecution of Jesus H. Christ and also blamed same-sex marriage for all this unfair scrutiny of his Christian kidfuckery.

This is yet another reason why we must never allow civil unions or gay marriage in America, because it causes the fundamentalists to touch the children.

This blog entry was sponsored in part by bottom shelf Pinot Noir. [ABC News]

Friday, September 19, 2008

Oh, the Sour Grapes of Wrath

- "I have had it with Pollyanna conservatives who continue to parrot the “fundamentals of the market are great!” line." [Michelle Malkin]

- Festive stick figures explain why everyone lost their 401k [The Subprime Primer]

- And as the treasury was being looted, Speaker Pelosi busied herself by penning a lovely weblog for Arianna Huffington's internet newspaper [Huffington Post]

- The Republicans are to blame for the current economic crisis [Miami Herald]

- The Democrats are to blame for the current economic crisis [Newnan Times-Herald]

- Thankfully, we will all die from dehydration before civilization as we know it implodes into itself and ceases to exist [All Headline News]

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Michelle Malkin is a Dumb Cunt

Stalwart conservative Michelle Malkin is the luckiest lady in the world. She gets to spend all day in front of her pc typing terrible facist opinions about crucial issues affecting America like Rachel Ray's secret Islamofascism and twelve year old Graeme Frost with his socialist demands for free healthcare. Her vile opinions are so important that she actually gets paid to write them down. Only in America, right?

This week poor Michelle had another issue thrust upon her that she was forced to address. It's something new that has been labeled "sexism". It is a term that's been newly invented to describe the awful liberal media's unwarranted scrutiny of Sarah "Barracuda" Palin, because of her womanhood.

For instance, can you believe the goddamn liberal media has the gall to mention that Sarah is an Evangelical nutbag with fucked up beliefs? Or that Sarah Palin's Alaka town, Wasilla, had a policy that would bill innocent rape victims for their forensic medical examinations until the governor of Alaska passed a bill prohibiting it? OMG, this unfair sexism is so rampant that I don't even know what!

Well, since this feminist Michelle Malkin is so appalled at the scrutiny of Sarah Palin then I bet she was super mortified when Hillary Clinton had to deal with "sexism" at a political rally where a mouthbreathing gentleman held up a sign that said "Iron My Shirt"? Let's take a look at what she had to say about that:

...Hillary Clinton was at a Salem, NH rally earlier today where two male hecklers held up signs that read “Iron My Shirt.” They also yelled the odd slogan at delicate Hillary, who showed her jocular but steely side and batted down the sexist diatribe. Spontaneously, of course. Like those watery eyes.

...The question is whether someone in the campaign happened to encourage goofballs like these to show up today. There’s a history of that in the Hillary campaign, you know.

...She’s as predictable as rain in Seattle, fog in San Francisco, and wildfires in Malibu

...Hillary Cinton, Boo-hoo-hoo

Hmmm, well now this seems odd? When "sexism" was displayed on a shitty homemade sign toward Hillary Clinton it seems like Malkin felt the need to call Hillary "delicate" and then accuse her of orchestrating the whole event for political purposes. It's almost like this Malkin lady has two sets of standards? I guess maybe you would call something like that a double standard? That's strange? [Michelle Malkin]

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

Sarah Palin's Horrible New Fan

So I'm watching this focus group discussion on Sarah Palin. It seems to be going well except several of the women are extremely sexist against working mothers, but other than that it is an honest discussion from a spectrum of independent voters.

Then about five minutes into the clip things go south when some frumpy hosebeast gleefully tells everyone she's voting for McCain because Sarah Palin seems to have a lot of energy. I immediately hate this terrible voter for burdening the Earth with her excessive stupidity. She is easy to loathe because she embodies the perfect mixture of pride and willful ignorance.

Not to generalize, but I think we all know this tragic soul . Her drink of choice is Zima. If she's feeling extra sassy she'll put on her favorite Shania Twain CD and toss back a couple shots of Arbor Mist with a Crystal Light chaser . On the weekends, for fun, she likes to get up bright and early so she can can scan the morning paper for yard sales and then read the Cathy comic before rushing out the door in her Crocs. Her closest friends are her two cats, Cagney and Lacey. Every time there's a family dinner you can expect this bitch to show up with some god awful Jello/Cool Whip/multi-colored marshmallow nightmare.

She is empty on the inside and so she fills that void with commemorative plates and QVC jewelry. When no one is watching she secretly cuts her Beanie Babies and then sobs into her wretched scrapbooks. She is everything that is wrong with America and her fat ass is most likely crammed into a Kia Rio in the drive-thru at the nearest Dairy Queen right now(she refuses to patronize McDonald's after she found out they support the Gay Agenda).

If you would like to view this heinous creature spouting off her meaningless opinions just click the link I have provided for your convenience. She makes her grand appearance at 5mins 20seconds. Enjoy! -[YouTube]

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Liveblogging the Emperor of Oppressive White Theocracy

0739 - Lookie, it's a video montage of Muslims with machine guns and the Twin Towers burning with an ominous voiceover. Wolf Blitzer is completely baffled that the Republicans would politicize the tragedy of 9/11. I wish some Code Pink nutbag would set his beard on fire.

0752 - Ok, I can't listen to Lindsey Graham's shitkicking faggot bullshit unless I go on a beer run. BRB!

0800 - The only surge Lindsey Graham needs to be talking about is the one that just shot out of the anonymous penis, through the glory hole, and into his mouth at the Minneapolis airport bathroom

0801 - Oh hey guys, the surge worked, so let's just repeat the word "surge" as many times as possible and maybe everyone will forget the pre-surge clusterfuck of death and destruction

0806 - Graham has said "surge" one thousand times and the rednecks are going apeshit. I am seriously going on a liquor run.

0816 - The liquor store was filled with tragic soulless alcoholics....they must be fellow convention watchers

0820 - There's going to be a Cindy McCain Tribute video! It will be a heartwarming tale of Escada powerbitch suits, private jets, stolen Vicodin, and lies about Mother Teresa.

0826 - What the hell is up with this manic, Requiem for a Dream-esque soundtrack? This music makes me feel like a junkie.

0828 - Cindy McCain will heal the world, humbly, with pills, and overly emotive black and white photos

0845 - I can't tell if Cindy is wearing a flag pin or not. She has something pinned to her breast, but it is so encrusted with blood diamonds that I can't tell what it is.

0851 - Johnny must be making his grand entrance soon, because they're playing the hit rock song "Johnny Be Good" that all the kids are dancing to at the sock hops these days. Jesus Fucking Christ.

0904 - The John McCain POW Bondage Porn Video is getting ready to start!

0912 - And here he is, The Maverick!

0915 - While Johnny is giving his thanks, I'd like to take the opportunity to say that only thing John McCain has ever successfully ran was a plane, into the ground, in Vietnam.

0917 - Aw, he's thanking his hero, President George W. Bush!

0918 - John McCain is thankful for Cindy, because she pays for everything

0922 - Also, "everyone is created equal" (homosexuals not included)

0925 - Oh hey, let's not forget Patsy Palin. Oh, I mean Sarah Palin. Why on earth would I call her Patsy?

0928 - Cue John McCain's pointless "pork barrel" bullshit, because Americans are too fucking stupid to know that spending and pork are two totally different things. Of course these inbred lemmings are clapping.

0935 - Muslim Barack Obama voted for corporate welfare for George Bush's oil buddies!

0939 - John McCain has both an economic AND a healthcare plan? Can I get a copy of those "plans"?

0941 - Ok, fuck this. I'm done live-blogging this Stale Cracker Rally. Before I make my exit I'd like to suggest that maybe we could harness the power of Barry Goldwater and Thomas Jefferson spinning in their graves as an alternative energy source. Goodnight doomed Americans.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Highlights from the Godforsaken Republican National Convention

Fine, I'll live blog this damn mess, but it's not getting time stamped and I'm not editing it tonight. Where is my wine glass? Where is my wine? Guess I should grab the weed too. Ok, I'm ready now...

- Oh look, there's First Lady Laura Bush. Wow, she hasn't blinked in nearly seven years minutes.

- Oh great, and there's that ne'erdowell husband of hers, George W., being broadcast into the convention via fancy Chinese hologram

- George says the angry left will always hate patriots like John McCain even though the Viet Cong broke both his arms, but they don't care because they're all communist sympathizers

- Oh YAY, it's time for a Ronald Reagan Tribute Reel! How fun!

- John McCain is just like Reagan because he's going to raise taxes and give amnesty to illegals

- John McCain was a member of the Reagan Revolution because he can't stand Russia's punk ass

- No seriously, John McCain hates Russian commies so much and he was totally gonna break em off a piece of something, but then poor Ronnie went and got shot by one of Jodi Foster's friends.

- This convention makes absolutely no sense. Did they just say Reagan was like Lincoln and McCain is like Reagan? Does that mean McCain is Lincoln as well and if so, then ho... Oh look, here comes famous Hollywood celebrity Fred Thompson!

- Good God Freddie, Mystic Tan much?

- The bitter media hates Sarah Palin because she's not part of the infamous "Washington Cocktail Circuit" (Cheers!)

- Sarah Palin is not just a maverick, she's an Alaskan maverick, and that's way better than a plain ol' maverick because it means she can wrestle a moose

- Democrats are alligators living in a swamp? What? Come on Freddie, you're starting to lose the audience. Pull it together!

- Fred saves himself by giving a shout-out to Roberta McCain. On a personal note, I love me some Roberta McCain. Fred says Roberta could've taken on the entire North Vietnamese Army and won. Roberta is not amused! God Fred, why do you have to say such stupid things to Johnny's mom?

- Fred says John McCain is a bigtime maverick and one time in Florida there was this hooker in John McCain's Corvette and they....FREDDIE STOP!OMG! JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

- Seriously folks, John McCain was brutally tortured in an overpriced Hilton Hotel back in the sixties. Fred Thompson is now going to spend about six excruciating minutes describing every nightmarish detail of the whole ordeal until every American feels just a little uncomfortable.

- Oh hey guys, don't forget that we're winning in Iraq

- John McCain is not a celebrity like European Barack Obama, but John McCain is as important as the Pledge of Allegiance! Say what?


- The liberals want the "water out of your bucket"

- John McCainn is "gonna give it a good shakin". What does that even mean?

Ok, fuck this. I'm done. I tried, I really did, but I just can't listen to all this dumbfuckery. But I will tomorrow night when Sarah Palin takes the stage! Goodnight, loyal reader(s)!