Tuesday, January 29, 2008

US Attorney General Ponders Subtle Nuances of Torture

Today Attorney General Michael Mukasey, that guy George Bush said we should pay to tell us about all the legally stuff nobody understands, said that he has no idea if waterboarding is torture or not.

And guess what? He doesn't know if waterboarding is torture because it's totally not an easy question to answer. He said he has to review all the memos and then he'll let us know.

In his defense, waterboarding is an immensely tricky issue. I mean, just because the people we do it to may "technically" feel like they're dying a water-filled CIA nightmare death doesn't necessarily constitute official American sanctioned "torture"...per se.

I decided to consult waterboarding expert Megan Carpentier, who said that waterboarding was NOT officially torture, but then went on to say that it actually really was. And I was so totally high at the time that I got all confusey while reading her email :(

BUT ANYWAY! If you're wildly intelligent like Mukasey then you all ready know the best way to test the validity of something is not by witnessing it firshand but by instead reviewing third person accounts written up in sterile, emotionless memos. Obviously.

This is definitely why we pay the government to do complex things that, you know, the average ignorant citizen has absolutely no fucking grasp of. Therefore, waterboarding is? not? torture? [AP via Yahoo]

So, About that New Job at the Bureau of Mockery

So, this is my last post here at the bureau. I could go all Megan about it, but I’m not that prideful and it just happened today so I haven’t thought it through that much.

I’ll still be publishing the bi-weekly Alabama Christian Homemaker's Journal, so be sure to read it for tasty casserole recipes, non-vulgar love advice, and tips on remaining sinless in a world filled with debauchery.

I would like to say, though, that I appreciate those of you who have been reading, although I suspect that most of you will spend your eternity drunk and fornicating while you roast in Hell.

In any case, my eyes are about to start watering like a Virgin Mary statue in a third world country, so I’m going to stop now. It’s been nothing short of dreadful working for you guys.

Thursday, January 24, 2008


Well, what a great Thursday it's turning out to be! Today the government said they're planning to give back some of the money they've been stealing from us! Woo Hoo!

They were so generous that they're even going to give money to all the lazy poor people that are way too busy cranking out welfare babies to actually get jobs. Thanks Nancy! You and George certainly are givers.

I am so excited about all this. When my rebate check gets here in probably like mid-July I'll have almost enough money to pay for my bankrupcy lawyer! Wow, America really is the land of opportunity.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Hey Everybody, Fred Phelps Still Needs Attention!

Here's the official press release from Westboro Baptist... ostentatiously large fonts and all. Their phone number is 785-273-0325. Feel free to call them and say Bureau of Mockery before unleashing a torrent of profanity. Then hang up.

And don't forget to check out Phags 4 Phelps! It's not quite what you might expect.

Monday, January 21, 2008

For the Record, We Are Pro-Megan

There comes a time in a man's life - a superficial, whorey, pessimistic, gay MAN'S LIFE - when one must finally take a stand. And that stand, my friends, is against "the man" and a "funny lady".

Just what in the fuck are you talking about one might ask? Well, dear reader(s)....I'm talking about the heinous pricks over at Wonkette abruptly firing editor Megan Carpentier (don't worry, we still don't know how the hell to pronounce her last name either)

Now, awhile back John Clarke, Jr. left abruptly which was unfortunate since his humor was fucking out of this world hysterical. This blow to political satire, although devastating, was still manageable because Wonketeers like myself still had our beloved Megan to fall back on. Sadly, thanks to the insufferable fuck stain known as Ken Motherfucking Layne, this is no more.

Yes, Megan is gone from Wonkette. No more intimate Sarkozy chats. No more lovelorn John Edwards posts. Nothing! Today, when I logged on to Wonkette out of boredom it seemed nothing short of laborious. There was no love behind it. It was like trying to fuck the lifeless corpse of your favorite booty call (not that I've ever tried that).....it was familiar, but the passion was gone.

I'll end it here, because I've had a little too much red wine and I feel like playing Guitar Hero while smoking weed (because that's how I roll!). BUT, I swear to God, Allah, Vishnu, and all the rest of them.... Megan Carpentier will not go gently into that good night!!!


For more info join Homofascist's Army at:

Or check out Megan's personal blog at:

Friday, January 18, 2008

In Case Yo Ass Ain't All Ready Heard...

  • Today, Hillary Clinton went on the Tyra Banks Show for an "interview" that was totally not just a bunch of meaningless, fluffy bullshit! - [Link]

  • Excuse me, sir, didn't your mother teach you that it's not polite to interrupt people while they're trying to lie? - [Link]

  • OMG Fred "Hee-Haw" Thompson is part of the New World Order! - [Link]

  • Mormon students are finally taking a stand against the wanton vulgarity of aerobics class - [Link]

  • Chief Wana Dubie to challenge Gov. Matt Blunt in Missouri's 2008 election. Dubie vs. Blunt! Ha Ha - [Link]

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Why Do We Have to Let Everybody Vote?

In the Great American North there exists a frigid wasteland nearly abandoned decades ago, but still sparsely populated with enclaves of barbaric poor people, Eminem, and fearsome Laotian warriors that guard the last few remaining forests. The Natives call these glacial badlands "Mi-chi-gan".

Surprisingly, even though the Michigan Territory has devolved into a land of savage lawlessness, the inhabitants still participate in a symbolic gesture known as the voting process as witnessed by yesterday's primary. And guess who they all voted for? Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney! Ah Ha Ha! The Michigans are all so primitive and stupid.

I think it's fair to speculate that since RoboClinton has now won two state primaries she may have more time to devote to her other beloved pasttimes - like hunting for Sarah Connor!

As for Mitt Romney, who the hell really cares.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: New Hampshire Still Filled with Assholes

The homicidal, communist robot known as Hillary Clinton stunned the nation yesterday when she convinced all the Newhampshires to come out and cast their really important votes for her in the stupid ass primary. I would like to personally thank New Hampshire for proving that civic democracy is really only ideal when the citizens of said democracy aren't a bunch of short bus fucktards.

However, in an effort to remain objective, I think it's only fair to congratulate the Clinton camp on their brilliant political strategy. In fact, just after losing Iowa to Barack HUSSEIN Obama, programmers for the Clinton robot secretly upgraded their candidate with a complex code that overrode her smirking mechanism with a program that activated her emotion simulators. Bravo evil Clinton robot feeling-makers! I mean, with all the wires hidden under that bulky pantsuit she seemed almost eerily fucking humanoid!

And to think that New Hampshire fell for it! Haw Haw Haw! Anyway, thank God the Illuminati/Freemasons gave us an Electoral College, so none of these pointless, silly vote-thingies really matter anyway.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008