Monday, June 30, 2008

What's His Face's Wife Is a Total Slut

OMG, I was innocently thumbing through the internet today and I found a picture of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his trampy whore wife. Here is the disgraceful proof:



Can you believe this mess? I mean, what kind of trollop prances around Tehran in nothing but a chador? I bet she isn't wearing any panties under that damn thing either! When is the media going to stop peddling this type of shameful smut?

[Image courtesy of hurriyet.com.tr]

Friday, June 27, 2008

Jesus, Jews, God, Gays, and Guns

Members of the Westboro Baptist Synagogue plan to accost gays before jaunting off to their summer homes in Boca Raton. [GregoryHolman.net]

Both of America's most devout Christian Senators re-introduce legislation to preserve the sanctity of drive-thru Vegas weddings and mail order Russian brides. [Southern Voice]

Oh, and Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama is pretty much a total fag-hag. [365gay.com]

The Gay Patriot is okay with killing off the Muslims, because they're all just a bunch of homophobes anyway. [Gaypatriot.net]

The best way to prevent "anti-gay violence" is by blowing the fucking heads off of those who would commit "anti-gay violence". [Log Cabin Republicans]

Well, if you didn't want your damn church all gayed up then you probably shouldn't have named it St. Joan of Arc's! [Associated Press]

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

James Dobson is a Joyless Prick

James Dobson is the founder of a very sensible group of Christian fanatics called Focus on the Family that describes itself as "dedicated to nurturing and defending families worldwide" and also promotes the genital electrocution of homosexuals as a means of curing them of their unholy craving for the buttsecks. Just for fun, they also broadcast a nice Christian radio program for the simple reason that Americans absolutely love listening to gravelly old Evangelicals barking about the Rapture on teh AM frequencies.

Dobson has often been deemed "controversial" by the mainstream media because of his constant overuse of panstick caked on his gnarled face and because everything he says is really fucking stupid. Just months ago, he made headlines when he stated that he would never vote for Old Balls McCain because McCain is a secret liberal. This is just one of the critical statements he has made that for some reason the media felt obligated to report to the world because it is so very relevant to whatever.

Yesterday, Dobson kicked off his Monday by freaking out about a speech that Martini Barack made to a group of country club elitists (Democrats) way back in the year 2006. He said he certainly doesn't appreciate Obama's "fruitcake" interpretation of the Constitution during that speech, because Obama said he didn't know if America should be governed in accordance with Al Sharpton's Black Race Riot Bible or Dobson's own Angry White Asshole Bible. Barack also implied that Baby Jesus would abolish the Department of Defense and that everything in the Old Testament is a steaming pile of racist illogical bullshit.

Now Dobson is threatening to not vote at all in the Presidential election as some sort of punishment to both political parties for not ponying up a candidate that would directly pander to him and his merry band of fucked up Jesus nutters concerned Christians and somehow this strategic non-voting action of inaction will save the world, because of God. Amen. [ NPR ]

Monday, June 23, 2008

Karl Rove Condemns Uppity Martini Negroes

Today, ol' folksy front porch swingin Karl Rove took time out of his busy day tendin to the crops to warn America about Barack HUSSEIN! Obama's elitist elitism by saying the following to a group of salt of the earth Republican insiders at the Captitol Hill Club:

“Even if you never met him, you know this guy,” Rove said of Obama, per Christianne Klein of ABC News. “He’s the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.”
Well heavens to Betsy! Thank goodness we have someone like Karl Rove, a patriotic draft dodger raised by a homosexual Left Coast liberal fetishist, to voice the concerns of Real White Americans™ that are way too busy eaking out a living down in the coal mines of Appalachia to make newsworthy political opinions about these hoity toity Democrats. Thank heavens we have lifelong GOP loyalists like Karl Motherfucking Rove to warn us about these snide African martini-ists!

But heck, I'll be danged if I ain't all confused now? Here I thought this Barack Obama fella was an out of touch Muslim Witch Doctor that we're s'posed to fear cuz he's gonna make all the women wear them Islamic moo-moos while overtaxing our Pabst Blue Ribbon, but now we find out he's up in the damn country club sippin on rich people liquor?!?!

My Lord, when did they start lettin these damned Coloreds up in the country club? What on earth is this godforsaken world a'comin to?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Larry Sinclair Imprisoned by Obama Operatives

Has your day been kinda sucky? That's all right, so has poor Larry Sinclair's, because he has been imprisoned forever! In Delaware for crissakes!

I hope Sinclair's jailers are aware that he requires a "special needs" diet of banana nut bread and rock hard cock in order to survive. But anyway....

It all started yesterday when this patriot Mr. Sinclair got all up in the National Press Club's face to warn America about the dangers of voting for cocaine-loving blowjob enthusiasts named Barack HUSSEIN! Obama. Meanwhile, a despicable plot was being hatched by something called a Mitch and Nan Show to silence Citizen Sinclair from spreading his salacious message of truth to the whole stupid world.

Apparently, these "paid Obama-bots" were able to have Sinclair arrested because of some obscure loophole in Delaware law that says you cannot file a stolen vehicle claim on a crappy Korean car that hasn't actually been, you know, stolen. I know, it's totally a technicality.

The Bureau of Mockery would like to extend its thanks and gratitude to these mysterious Mitch and Nanners of the Obama campaign for proving that no matter how large your fake attorney says his penis is, American Justice will always prevail! [The Mitch and Nan Show]

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Welcome to DC, You're Under Arrest

Gay extortionist Larry Sinclair went to the National Press Club and all he got was this lousy jail cell. [Reason]

Militant Detroit Islamofascists not allowed to sit behind podium at Obama rally because they weren't wearing a flag pin. [NY Times]

Republicans will have a much easier time voting for McCain if they wear this extremely clever button with a witty slogan written in Impact font. [RepublicanMarket.com]

Michelle Malkin really wishes the Associated Press would pay their goddamn bills. [Michelle Malkin]

Elderly lesbian sinners finally allowed to wed after half a century together. I think we all know it will never last. [NOW]

Friday, June 6, 2008

AMERKAN POLITIX ON TEH INERNETZ

One thing I've learned in my tenure here at the bureau is that research and self-medicating is essential in order to be relevant as a political blogger to my half dozen loyal readers. In my noble quest for information from the cesspool of American politics I often troll the seediest of places for unique inspiration.

I've subscribed to mailing lists from Christian fanatics. I've chatted in gay porn political forums (yes there is such a thing). I've been verbally accosted by conspiracy theorists that type exclusively in capital letters. I've read Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter until I my eyes cried tears of blood. Basically, I've immersed myself in the twisted realm of political opinion until I'm about to go batshit and start writing fucked up letters to Jodi Foster.

But today I stumbled across something so entirely asinine that I nearly lost my vodka buzz. Then I said to myself: Hey, this might be decent fodder for the blog! So here it is, followed by my personal summary...

"For those who can not or will not vote for Obama or McCain there is a party that agrees with you.

Personally my vote was only for Hillary Clinton! You may have felt the same way for another candidate. We need to make it know to this two party system that they must listen to the people and not rig the media or the primary process!

I really did believe only she has the answers and has the ability to solve the many serious issues we currently face in this country.

You may feel that way about another candidate who now is not going to be on the ballot in November. Write In Party USA is the solution to your dilemma

I was filled with such hope and happiness that I FINALLY going to get to vote FOR a President and not have to settle for a protest vote like so many times before.

I promised myself I would not do a protest vote but only vote FOR President so I will be writing in Hillary Clinton’s name on my ballot and why I am a member of the Write In Party USA.

I do this not just for myself but also to show the big political Parties and the pompous press I will not reward there dishonest and down right crooked ways! It is way past time to send a message that we will not stand for this anymore!

If we swamp all states with write in votes they will have to pay attention! If the write in vote is as big or equal to the cast ballot vote they will take notice! We need to work at changing the laws in those states that don’t at least count the write in vote.

It is time we took back our country and our rights!"

Ok, let's break this down for a second:

1. There is no such thing as a Write In Party USA.

2. If you really believed Hillary was your knight-in-shining-pantsuit than you are exactly the type of sad fucktard that should just doodle some nonsensical bullshit on your little ballot anyway. Feel free to get creative!

You could simply write Hillary Clinton. You could write your mom's name as a very nice but pointless tribute. You could actually just write "your mom" and that would be funny. You could make up a goofy name like Helga McHumpfrizzle and then giggle as you left the voting booth because you are just so damned amusing.

What I'm trying to say is that pretty much anything ridiculous is up for grabs if you're really the type of pathetic asshole that thinks Hillary Fucking Clinton has/had all the answers.

3. You cannot "take back your country" with a lame write-in vote, because the nefarious secret society that runs America does not allow that sort of freeform democracy due to the fact that it is stupid. And it doesn't matter if you end your misguided rant with an exclamation point or not!

4. Well, now you've successfully made me detest Hillary Clinton whereas I was kind of on the fence about her before.

5. I guess that's about it. Thanks for your time.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Democracy Will Ruin the World

I just wanted to start with a little something about this whole Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama thing. I'm feeling very conflicted after last night when her Islamic African husband, Imam Barack, was giving his historic speech to all the liberal elitists after trouncing that horrible robot Hillary Clinton in this neverending motherfucking election. Oh wow, that Barack sure is a brilliant orator, isn't he?

But then Michelle hauled her ass up on the stage and my bitter white heart melted because OMG she looked so pretty! She had on that fucking stupid eggplant number with the big gawdy belt that she likes to stomp across the country in. Her eyeshadow matched her dress and she was smiling so demurely. It was just nice to see her radiating something other than the usual contemptuous hatred for her fellow Americans that we normally see.

So now I'm so confused. I don't know who I'm going to vote for anymore. On one hand I feel like I should just make the obvious choice and write in Cindy McCain, because she's rich and pretty and WHITE! pretty. But nobody wants John as First Lady, because he is a decrepit hateful dwarf. And I can't vote for Barack Obama (even though he seems very nice) because I don't make nearly enough money. So, I guess there's only one person left for me to vote for:

Ron Paul 2008!!!