Friday, June 6, 2008


One thing I've learned in my tenure here at the bureau is that research and self-medicating is essential in order to be relevant as a political blogger to my half dozen loyal readers. In my noble quest for information from the cesspool of American politics I often troll the seediest of places for unique inspiration.

I've subscribed to mailing lists from Christian fanatics. I've chatted in gay porn political forums (yes there is such a thing). I've been verbally accosted by conspiracy theorists that type exclusively in capital letters. I've read Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter until I my eyes cried tears of blood. Basically, I've immersed myself in the twisted realm of political opinion until I'm about to go batshit and start writing fucked up letters to Jodi Foster.

But today I stumbled across something so entirely asinine that I nearly lost my vodka buzz. Then I said to myself: Hey, this might be decent fodder for the blog! So here it is, followed by my personal summary...

"For those who can not or will not vote for Obama or McCain there is a party that agrees with you.

Personally my vote was only for Hillary Clinton! You may have felt the same way for another candidate. We need to make it know to this two party system that they must listen to the people and not rig the media or the primary process!

I really did believe only she has the answers and has the ability to solve the many serious issues we currently face in this country.

You may feel that way about another candidate who now is not going to be on the ballot in November. Write In Party USA is the solution to your dilemma

I was filled with such hope and happiness that I FINALLY going to get to vote FOR a President and not have to settle for a protest vote like so many times before.

I promised myself I would not do a protest vote but only vote FOR President so I will be writing in Hillary Clinton’s name on my ballot and why I am a member of the Write In Party USA.

I do this not just for myself but also to show the big political Parties and the pompous press I will not reward there dishonest and down right crooked ways! It is way past time to send a message that we will not stand for this anymore!

If we swamp all states with write in votes they will have to pay attention! If the write in vote is as big or equal to the cast ballot vote they will take notice! We need to work at changing the laws in those states that don’t at least count the write in vote.

It is time we took back our country and our rights!"

Ok, let's break this down for a second:

1. There is no such thing as a Write In Party USA.

2. If you really believed Hillary was your knight-in-shining-pantsuit than you are exactly the type of sad fucktard that should just doodle some nonsensical bullshit on your little ballot anyway. Feel free to get creative!

You could simply write Hillary Clinton. You could write your mom's name as a very nice but pointless tribute. You could actually just write "your mom" and that would be funny. You could make up a goofy name like Helga McHumpfrizzle and then giggle as you left the voting booth because you are just so damned amusing.

What I'm trying to say is that pretty much anything ridiculous is up for grabs if you're really the type of pathetic asshole that thinks Hillary Fucking Clinton has/had all the answers.

3. You cannot "take back your country" with a lame write-in vote, because the nefarious secret society that runs America does not allow that sort of freeform democracy due to the fact that it is stupid. And it doesn't matter if you end your misguided rant with an exclamation point or not!

4. Well, now you've successfully made me detest Hillary Clinton whereas I was kind of on the fence about her before.

5. I guess that's about it. Thanks for your time.

1 comment:

Gregory Holman said...

Blood may not be the only fluid Ann Coulter inspires, you know.

When I worked at Men's Health, I briefly had a stinky 20-year-old roommate from rural New Hampshire (the Arkansas of the Northeast). He was a student at Northwestern who interned for the magazine.

He wanted Ann Coulter all over his cock when he first saw her on television in my apartment. "She's gonna be on! my! dick!" he cried merrily, in the cheering voice he used to yell during basketball games.

Strangely, he did not express such feelings for Mrs. Clinton.