Saturday, May 31, 2008

Terrorist Chic Takes America by Storm

- Is Dennis Hastert a pre-operative transsexual? [Open Left]

- There will be no Democratic nominee until the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. [AP via NY Post]

- Gay conman Larry Sinclair terrorizes D.C. with flyers he made on his fancy new Commodore.[Larry Sinclair]

- Barack Obama has decided to leave Trinity United Church of Christ because he is Muslim. [CBS News]

- Paranoid extremist felons have taken over an estimated forty fucking percent of the state that brought us grunge rock and overpriced coffee.[Seattle Times]

- There's a very slight possibility that Keith Olbermann may have some sort of partisan liberal bias.[Media Bistro]

- Army of God does not believe in sinful abortions unless the fetus is a deviant homosexual. [Army of God]

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

John McCain Will Say Stupid Things for All Eternity

Oh hey guys! Did you know that last week while speaking to a bunch of Cuban assholes in Miami, candidato presidencial Juan McCain made an idiotic statement before hopping onto his private luxury jet, the infamous Straight Talk UltraAir-Express, to head back to his billionaire wife's expansive McMansion in the wealthiest part of the shitty Arizona hellscape to entertain all the foppish darlings of the Republican Party? And oh boy, did he ever!

Here is the very best part of Presidente McCain's glorious speech that he gave before jaunting off to his 154th Annual Sedona National GOP Rich People Circle Jerk & BBQ for the Betterment of Possible Vice-Presidential Pricks. Most of it was boring as hell, so I've clipped and highlighted the important part for your dirty Hispanic pleasure(s):

"We have made progress toward this vision by expanding the benefits of free commerce, through [the North American Free Trade Agreement], the Central American Free Trade Agreement, and our free trade agreements with Peru and Chile. But the progress has stalled; our longstanding bipartisan commitment to hemispheric prosperity is crumbling. We see this most vividly in Barack Obama’s and Hillary Clinton’s opposition to the free trade agreement with Colombia. The failure of Congress to take up and approve this agreement is a reminder why 80 percent of Americans think we are on the wrong track."

Well gee John, thanks for clearing all that up! And here all these aloof liberals have been brainwashed into thinking these low approval ratings had something to do with the unending clusterfuck of wasted time, money, and human life known as the Iraq War. Oh, and the fact that the economy is in the shitter doing an enthusiastic free fall at warp speed.

But instead Mr. McCain, thanks to you, now we know the actual reason for this Congressional disapproval is really because the average American is just yearning for a brand new motherfucking free trade agreement.

Thank you John McCain! You patriotic bastard!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Politicians: Just as Clueless as Real Americans

Certain conservative bloggers have started to notice that Barack HUSSEIN! Obama no longer has any idea what in the hell he's talking about. The other day, while in the charming hamlet of Sunrise, FL he greeted a crowd of Democrats whose crappy primary votes don't count for anything by repeatedly telling them how excited he was to be in Sunshine when the name of the stupid town is actually Sunrise. OMG he must've been really embarassed because then he called them all ugly cunts and laughed before running off the stage screaming Allahu Akbar and some other Muslim nonsense. Ha ha, just kidding.

Here are some other Obama gaffes that I really don't feel like talking about.

Seriously though, I think people need to just lay off Barry! He's been sleepy as all hell because every single night at 3am a phone in the White House rings and he must answer it before Hillary does or she will send Sirhan Sirhan to murder him and then she will become President! They inexplicably repeat this strange ritual every night even though Laura Bush is starting to get real sick of these two showing up in the middle of the night to use the phone.

But what about John McCain, huh? Surely that old bastard is off saying something crazy, so why isn't the blogosphere talking about that huh? Oh nevermind, McCain's not doing anything at all. He's got the goddamn Straight Talk Express parked in the driveway of his wife's sprawling Sedona mega-estate, all shacked up in the hot tub with Lindsey Graham while poor Cindy's pilled out in the house wishing John would just leave so the verbal abuse would stop.

I guess these gaffes really don't matter anyway since we've twice elected a man that speaks only in stuttering gaffes. But it's not nice to mention that because he suffers from a medical condition called George Bush, Jr. that causes his brain to be so rudimentary that it will never be capable of formulating a single thought that isn't completely incorrect on multiple levels.

Matt Sanchez Throws a Big Gay Bitchfit

Mexican gay porn sensation Matt Sanchez, who appeared in titles such as Touched by an Anal and Beat-off Frenzy, spent most of his early adult years pounding the daylights out of other men with his gigantic chorizo in very low budget adult films. He did this over and over until one day he realized he could make money by going on television and making nonsensical statements as an ill-tempered conservative pundit just like his idol Ann Coulter who also used to moonlight in the adult industry under the moniker "John Holmes".

So, it was no surprise when this former gay-for-pay Matt Sanchez lashed out at Barack HUSSEIN! Obama today in an op-ed piece for something called a "World Net Daily", because of Obama's notoriously tolerant approach to these immoral gays and their constant whining about equal rights.

First of all, Mr. Sanchez doesn't appreciate Barack Obama just stomping in and legalizing gay marriage in California, because almost 60% of the Hollywood Liberals there do not even believe in that sort of thing. Matt says it is completely ludicrous to think two men could even have a monogamous relationship because out of all the tens of thousands of men that have paid him for sex, not a single one of them has ever asked for his hand in marriage.

Lastly, Sanchez opines that if Obama is elected President we are going to become the laughing stock of the whole world (even in Moldova?) because he plans to repeal "don't ask, don't tell" which will automatically turn the entire U.S. Armed Forces into a bunch of bitchy queens prancing around all giddy while in uniform. Which is exactly what the gay agenda wants!

Monday, May 26, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Republicans Are Sneaky

I just wanted to let everybody know that I was reading Daily Kos today and those people are just about fed up with John McCain and his shady 527 PAC bullshit! The angry liberals at D-Kos are so damn sick of McCain's "flat out lying" when it comes to running an ethical campaign.

He may have kept his hands clean but his sinister neo-con friends have picked up the slack for him by running a terribly misleading ad featuring an Iraq War veteran who just wanted to meet his favorite black Muslim Senator but Barack HUSSEIN! Obama said no he would never meet with this bitter veteran because he was too busy training terrorists down at the local madrassa.

So guess who's behind these senselessly offensive attack ads? Well, first off it's Joe Fucking Lieberman who happens to be the Senator of all 600+ people in Connecticut! I don't know very much about Lieberman and I could only find one picture of him on Google Images. The other results that came up were just strange photos of some old Jewish looking Sharpei creature/thing with a very smug expression. I don't know what's up with that?

The other "man" behind this horrendous smear is the flamboyant dandy of South Carolina Republicans, indescribably effeminate Senator Lindsey Graham, who is actually gayer than anything you could ever imagine. Gayer than Richard Simmons in a pink bedazzled unitard singing showtunes while giving handjobs to leather daddies on a gay pride float in the Castro.

Well, I guess that's about it. Oh yeah, here's the link to Daily Kos.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Hillary Apologizes for Obama Assassination Plot

The evil robot known as Hillary Rodham Clinton was criticized Friday after a system error caused her to accidentally tell all seventeen of her elderly white supporters in South Dakota that she was going to murder Barack HUSSEIN! Obama the same way she murdered Bobby Kennedy back in '68!

Obama aides were quick to both denounce and reject the statement given this maniacal robot named Hillary Clinton's long history of pushing people out of windows or shooting them at point blank range and saying it was just an innocent little suicide.

This is not the first time Hillary's central processing unit has gotten her into trouble. In March, Clinton made headlines when she claimed she had dodged sniper fire in some country called Bosnia that we invaded back in the 90's. It was later discovered that it was actually the comedian Sinbad they had been shooting at, because his type of comedy is absolutely unbearable. Clinton attributed the gaffe to a "lack of sleep" which is robot street slang for needing to be defragged and rebooted.

So far, Obama himself has not responded to the comments because he knows in November he will become President of GOD DAMN AMERIKKKA and Hillary will have nothing but a crappy Senate seat and a bunch of ugly pantsuits. She will cry every day because Bill makes more money then her as the spokesperson for the National Rosacea Society. The tears will cause her to rust and then all her mechanisms will seize up and she will cease to exist. I know it seems sad, but all things must come to an end....just like this blog entry!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Oh Hey, Speaking of First Ladies...

You know, being the wife of some asshole that could be President must be so incredibly trying that one might assume these ladies require a small army of Mexican assistants (and Vicodin) just to make it through the daily grind? Well, of course they do! Let's discuss this further, shall we? We'll start with our favorite.

Mrs. Cynthia Hensley McCain has to precariously juggle being blonde, pretty, a businesswoman, and an heiress, all while riding around on that stupid goddamn Straight Talk Express with her gnarled old husband. No wonder she needs all those pills to keep up with such a hectic schedule! Ugh, and we can't forget that dowdy hausfrau, ol' what's-her-face Obama, toiling away at whatever the hell it is that she does all damn day.

But what specific things have these First Women of the Politcal Elite been up to lately? Well, I'm so glad that you asked! Let's take a look, eh?

• Cindy McCain has decided to sell off her half of Sudan because those people just cannot seem to get it together and turn a profit.
-[Associated Press]-
• The NY Times is talking about Cindy's opulent castles filled with money because they are jealous, hateful liberals.
-[NY Times]-
• Cindy McCain is part of a nefarious secret society that for some dumbass reason or another plans to take over the whole world!
• Yesterday, Barack told Tennessee they need to just STFU about Michelle even though she is an insufferably detestable woman.
-[ABC News]-
• There is absolutely no other news about Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama that is in any way relevant to anything! Ever!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

America, We Need to Have a Serious Discussion

We've all been bombarded with this media attention on the upcoming election, the war, the economy, and all the rest of it. But why is the media not reporting on the most crucial aspect of this election: which potential First Lady would we like better?

I think we all know it is not Michelle HUSSEIN Obama! Michelle Obama has toured the country extensively to browbeat middle class white people, telling them how unpatriotically ashamed she is and then barking her angry racist hate speech at them because GOD DAMN AMERIKKKA! She is a cruel and sadistic woman. Does America really want to see Michelle as First Lady flying off into one of her tirades in front of a bunch of foreign dignitaries? That question was kind of rhetorical, but I think we all know the answer is obviously yes no.

On the other hand, you have the lovely Mrs. Cindy McCain who has First Lady written all over her fantastically painted face and OMG she also co-hosted The View! Plus, after years of coping with John's verbal abuse she woefully turned to the pain pills. Yeah I know, who doesn't right? I like mine with a big bottle glass of wine! Anywho...Cindy McCain is rich and pretty and heavily medicated. If that's not a goddamn testament to the American Dream then I don't know what is.

So please America, this election don't vote Republican or Democrat or any of those other nonsensical third parties that make it on the ballot. Vote for who looks the best. Vote for who looks the best for America. Vote Cindy McCain in 2008!

When All Else Fails, Link the Hell Out of Some Shit

Gee, writing the world's most influential political blog is so difficult sometimes. Just when I think I've covered everything then something else happens and I have to write a whole new post! Does it ever stop? A lot of things have happened since my last entry - horrific natural disasters, mass death, worldwide suffering - but the following are by far the most important issues ever. Let’s bullet point them just for fun!

• Michelle Malkin has just about had it with the NRCC and their big bag of bullshit.
-[Michelle Malkin]-
• Barack Obama will never be President of West Virginia because they have had nothing but problems with all you black people!
• The California Supreme Court said it's okay if we want to gay marry. But can we gay marry illegal immigrants?
-[Google via AP]-
• George Bush was blatantly talking smack about Obama in front of the Jews which seems kind of racist.
-[NY Times]-
• Rev. Mike Huckabee tried to shoot Barack Obama in memory of Charlton Heston to impress the NRA.
-[ABC News]-

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Ron Paul Followers Planning Primitive Forest Commune

Is your mother's basement starting to smell like bong water and unemployed middle-age balls?

Ever wish you could live in a crude shelter made of sticks and mud somewhere deep in the rural woods of America surrounded by fellow conspiracy enthusiasts?

Seeking a survivalist cult-like lifestyle to prepare for the Alien Lizard Freemasons coming from the planet Nibiru in 2012?

Yearning to be surrounded by (white) people that love liberty so much that they've gone all out batshit?

Well, look no further!

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Paulville! No, not Paul Hills or Paul Springs or Paul Grove just Paulville. And, of course, Paulville will be spelled in all caps...

*** 5/17/08 UPDATE: It appears the idyllic vision of Paulville was shortlived. The site is no longer up and it's probably because of the New World Order. I just wanted to let everybody know.