Saturday, June 30, 2007

Ann Coulter Gets Owned

Ann Coulter is the biggest cunt in the whole universe. Ann Coulter is a moldy fuck stain with a degree from Cornell. Ann Coulter is Satan in a cheap, shitty dress. OK, deep breath... Ann Coulter is often characterized by her outspoken political rhetoric against those she perceives as liberal.

This week on Hardball an unsuspecting Ann was given the smackdown by cancer victim/rich bitch/campaign cash juggernaut Elizabeth Edwards. Ann was taking phone calls from viewers when a very polite and composed Lizzy called in to ask Ann to please stop clouding the political waters with insults and irrelevant ramblings.

The noticeably irritated Coulter then blathered on about being silenced by the wife of a presidential candidate before turning into a giant lizard (her true form) and slithering away. Elizabeth Edwards demurely disconnected the line to return to her mint julep, her mansion, and her multi-millionaire husband.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

How to Not Hire Americans

Is your corporation searching for new employees? Tired of lazy American workers and their constant demands? Looking to hire people that don't whine about things like benefits or overtime pay?

Well, look no further!

Your friends at Cohen & Grigsby are here to help!
Our ethics-free attorneys have years of experience cheating labor laws to help your company get the low-cost immigrant workforce it desires. This is one seminar your shareholders won't want you to miss! ....See clip for full details.

Central Intelligance Antics

This week the CIA released sensitive documents from it's past that seem to reveal some mildly unorthodox investigations. Aside from inventing crack and killing Marilyn Monroe, here are some other things the CIA has done:

  • tested LSD on unsuspecting Americans without their consent
  • hired the mafia to assasinate world leaders they thought were poopy
  • wiretapped US journalists that didn't know how to shut the hell up
  • mistook Yuri Nosenko for a Russian spy, but later made ammends for imprisoning and torturing him by giving him a job with the agency

Now that they've got that off their chests, the CIA would like to remind everyone that this is not something they would condone in modern times. Now please, go on about your business and stop asking questions.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Internet Now Available in Hell!

In an email action alert sent out this week, the American Decency Association lashed out at the church for failing to take a stand againt the most despicable evil infecting American culture today....MySpace.

The ADA proudly reminds us that they are the only ones "able to see and agree with the moral standards of God" and have chastized so-called Christians who have the audacity to take part in "this pornographic site" known as MySpace.

They are sternly advising true Christians to steer clear of MySpace and called it a place where "sin is being given a free pass". They've also said "Satan is having a field day with"

Calls to Satan's rep were not immediately returned.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The New Way Forward in Iraq

Soon after the old "Stay the Course" catch phrase became synonymous with widespread failure in Iraq, the MENSA members at the White House decided that what this war needed most was a new slogan. Thus, the new catch phrase "New Way Forward" was born.

But what exactly does the "New Way Forward" entail you might ask yourself? Well first, as you've probably all ready heard, it means we're shipping off another 30,000 soldiers to Iraq... which makes sense since only a meager 70% of the American people disapprove of the war. Naysayers might say this is insanity, but that's just because they're unpatriotic.

But wait, there's more. Our brilliant military leaders have also decided on a drastic change in strategy to combat the violence. They've decided to let logic prevail by making their wisest decision to date. Their new stategy? You guessed it....stop sectarian violence in Iraq by arming Sunni militants in a nation filled with mostly Shia citizens.

Why on earth would we support Sunni militants that are often affiliated with Al Qaeda by giving them weapons and ammo? Well if you don't know the answer to that question then you're just as un-American as the Democrats. I can assure you though that it has nothing to do with the fact that Sunni extremists oppose the Shiite regime in Iran.

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Bellamy Salute