Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Glenn Beck's Mere Presence Nearly Kills Unsuspecting Guest

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Acclaimed Thespian Lashes Out at President Obama

Last night on Sean Hannity's Wacky Variety Hour, Victoria Jackson made her triumphant return to political punditry. She was a picture of radiance in chartreuse suede accessorized with a gigantic magenta poof-thing that was just fucking haphazardly crammed into her lovely blonde up-do.

Mrs. Jackson blurted out so many notable declarations that it's hard to even catalog them all, but I'll give it the old college try anyway:

1. Victoria Jackson was not previously interested in politics, because it's all like "neh-neh-neh" and "neh-neh-neh". What?


3. Black churches are really just Marxist Liberation Centers. True.

4. Michael Steele got his job because he's black! (you are not supposed to say that out loud though).

5. Vicky is so fed up with Obama that she marched up and down the Santa Monica Pier with a homemade sign that said "WE DON'T WANT NO SOCIALISM!"

Victoria Jackson is a True Patriot and a Real American, all at the same time. Ladies and gentleman, I think we've just found Sarah Palin's 2012 running mate. In your face, Bobby Jindal!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Government to Cure Alcoholism with Boring New Website

Times are tough in America these days. While a handful of losers may turn to dumb things like Jesus during such uncertain times, the rest of us sensible folks are turning to something far more dependable: hard liquor in copious amounts.

Although liquor is fun it can also have all sorts of unintended side effects that will turn you into an undesirable American. It may even cause you to do foolish things that you don't even remember and then before you know it you've made an internet sex tape while being diddled by trans-gendered Nazi midgets on the XTube.  Perhaps I am just personalizing?  Oh, how embarrassing!  Sad face.

Thankfully, a group of enlightened scholars financed by god only knows how many tax dollars have created a revolutionary solution to combat this scourge of drunkenness. It's a website. That's right, a website!

All you do is type www.rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov into the keyboard of your "personal computer". Then click the "get started" web link. OMFG THIS IS ALREADY SO TIRESOME.   SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME A COCKTAIL!!1!  Anyway you'll continue on through this damn survey, answering the questions and clicking the boxes. Then after clicking the "Submit" button a pop-up window will conveniently appear to confirm that you are, in fact, a tragic alcoholic.

So there you have it. After the government has officially confirmed your alcoholism all you have to do is pour all of your booze down the sink and then just stop drinking forever. Now you will never feel compelled to write a blog entry about absolutely nothing just because you're half drunk.  Say what?

[Rethinking Drinking]

Friday, February 27, 2009

Hillary Clinton Finally Gets Her Revenge on America

Last week, Sean Hannity's overweight ex-boyfriend Hal Turner penned a scathing weblog exposing the treasonous acts committed by Secretary of State Hillary Clinton on her most recent trip to Red Communist China. Did you know she gave them eminent domain over America? Why Hillary, why?

Now, according to the exhaustive 3-5 minutes worth of research I've done on Google while getting high, I can't even figure out how a cabinet official could legally give another nation eminent domain over America, but hey, Hal Turner said it therefore it must be true. Just like this. And this.

Now, I know that people often totally disregard every utterance that originates from Hal Turner as meaningless drivel, due to the fact that he is a bloviating twat that can't even get a job as a war correspondent for Pajamas Media, but what if he's telling the truth this time?! OMG you guys, what if we're all secretly Chinese and we don't even know it?
[Hal Turner]

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Larry Sinclair Unveils Sexy Spring Fashions

World famous author and political provocateur, Larry Sinclair, has debuted a new line of men's panties (manties) for the obese and poorly endowed American male. Sources for bureau tell us that the line, tentatively titled Fruit of the Loin, will feature iron-on photos of mean people that said bad things about Larry and will be availabe in two signature colors: Cottage Cheese White or Pepsi Brown. They will also be constructed from a space age elastic originally developed by NASA that can stretch up to 160 times its normal size and is extremely stain resistant.
[Larry Sinclair]

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Claire McCaskill Tells Greedy CEOs to Suck a Fat Nut

Yesterday, a very out of touch and illogical Sen. Claire McCaskill introduced legislation to cap executive salaries at $400k for any companies receiving federal bailout funds. Jesus Christ, Claire, what are you thinking? Only $400k? A year? This is unconscionable. How do you expect Park Avenue Aristocracy to survive on a measly-ass $400k? That won't even cover the monthly payments on their villa in St. Barts!

If this wreckless legislation passes it will have a devastating and widespread effect on the American economy. Korean dry cleaners will go out of business. Bentleys will be repossessed. Three star Michelin restaurants will be forced to close. Manhattan will literally devolve into a tent city filled with nothing but rats, lepers, and Rudy Giuliani!!!

Please send Sen. McCaskill an urgent email asking her to abandon this senseless legislation. Let her know that this is America and we won't stand for a government that victimizes innocent multi-millionaires just because they accidentally ran an entire corporation into the ground.

[The Hindu]

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Speaker of the House Politely Tells Media to Eat Shit and Die

Here is a clip of our beloved Nancy answering the media's flippant questions while standing in front of four American flags and one strange flag from Barack Obama's homeland, the Islamic Republic of Hawaii.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Nancy Pelosi Saved America and Some Other Stuff Too!

- Today the House passed a fun little $819,000,000,000,000,000,000 economic stimulus package that includes hefty provisions for AmTrak and the National Endowment for the Arts, because once we all get cushy green collar jobs everyone will saunter across America via luxury club car in search of priceless works of art.

- Las Vegas Liberals are forcing schoolchildren to pray to their pagan god, President Barack Hussein Obama.

- Rush Limbaugh smugly caressed his pendulous man-breasts as Rep. Phil Gingrey apologized for not following the unspoken guidelines of partisan hackery.
[Think Progress]

- The California Supreme Court said it's perfectly fine to expel lesbians from religious schools because all dykes go to hell!
[SF Chronicle]