Government to Cure Alcoholism with Boring New Website

Times are tough in America these days. While a handful of losers may turn to dumb things like Jesus during such uncertain times, the rest of us sensible folks are turning to something far more dependable: hard liquor in copious amounts.

Although liquor is fun it can also have all sorts of unintended side effects that will turn you into an undesirable American. It may even cause you to do foolish things that you don't even remember and then before you know it you've made an internet sex tape while being diddled by trans-gendered Nazi midgets on the XTube.  Perhaps I am just personalizing?  Oh, how embarrassing!  Sad face.

Thankfully, a group of enlightened scholars financed by god only knows how many tax dollars have created a revolutionary solution to combat this scourge of drunkenness. It's a website. That's right, a website!

All you do is type www.rethinkingdrinking.niaaa.nih.gov into the keyboard of your "personal computer". Then click the "get started" web link. OMFG THIS IS ALREADY SO TIRESOME.   SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME A COCKTAIL!!1!  Anyway you'll continue on through this damn survey, answering the questions and clicking the boxes. Then after clicking the "Submit" button a pop-up window will conveniently appear to confirm that you are, in fact, a tragic alcoholic.

So there you have it. After the government has officially confirmed your alcoholism all you have to do is pour all of your booze down the sink and then just stop drinking forever. Now you will never feel compelled to write a blog entry about absolutely nothing just because you're half drunk.  Say what?

[Rethinking Drinking]