Thursday, March 12, 2009

Acclaimed Thespian Lashes Out at President Obama

Last night on Sean Hannity's Wacky Variety Hour, Victoria Jackson made her triumphant return to political punditry. She was a picture of radiance in chartreuse suede accessorized with a gigantic magenta poof-thing that was just fucking haphazardly crammed into her lovely blonde up-do.

Mrs. Jackson blurted out so many notable declarations that it's hard to even catalog them all, but I'll give it the old college try anyway:

1. Victoria Jackson was not previously interested in politics, because it's all like "neh-neh-neh" and "neh-neh-neh". What?


3. Black churches are really just Marxist Liberation Centers. True.

4. Michael Steele got his job because he's black! (you are not supposed to say that out loud though).

5. Vicky is so fed up with Obama that she marched up and down the Santa Monica Pier with a homemade sign that said "WE DON'T WANT NO SOCIALISM!"

Victoria Jackson is a True Patriot and a Real American, all at the same time. Ladies and gentleman, I think we've just found Sarah Palin's 2012 running mate. In your face, Bobby Jindal!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Government to Cure Alcoholism with Boring New Website

Times are tough in America these days. While a handful of losers may turn to dumb things like Jesus during such uncertain times, the rest of us sensible folks are turning to something far more dependable: hard liquor in copious amounts.

Although liquor is fun it can also have all sorts of unintended side effects that will turn you into an undesirable American. It may even cause you to do foolish things that you don't even remember and then before you know it you've made an internet sex tape while being diddled by trans-gendered Nazi midgets on the XTube.  Perhaps I am just personalizing?  Oh, how embarrassing!  Sad face.

Thankfully, a group of enlightened scholars financed by god only knows how many tax dollars have created a revolutionary solution to combat this scourge of drunkenness. It's a website. That's right, a website!

All you do is type into the keyboard of your "personal computer". Then click the "get started" web link. OMFG THIS IS ALREADY SO TIRESOME.   SOMEBODY PLEASE GET ME A COCKTAIL!!1!  Anyway you'll continue on through this damn survey, answering the questions and clicking the boxes. Then after clicking the "Submit" button a pop-up window will conveniently appear to confirm that you are, in fact, a tragic alcoholic.

So there you have it. After the government has officially confirmed your alcoholism all you have to do is pour all of your booze down the sink and then just stop drinking forever. Now you will never feel compelled to write a blog entry about absolutely nothing just because you're half drunk.  Say what?

[Rethinking Drinking]

Monday, March 9, 2009

Violent Chicago Liberal Viciously Attacks Concerned Mexican

Enraged Guido Hates Absolutely Everything About Barack Obama