Wednesday, October 22, 2008

West Plains and Some Other Things

Oh gawd, more news from the wretched hellscape of West Plains! This time some fancy racist in a suit and glasses committed battery against an innocent brown liberal. I suspect this bully was actually a Democratic plant, possibly an elitist from Manhattan, because people in West Plains do not own "suits". They don't even sell "suits" down at the West Plains Supercenter.

The citizens of West Plains are relegated to nothing but overalls, sweat/stretch pants, or ill fitting Rustler jeans. These are their only options. They also don't wear highfalutin city glasses. That's right, if you live in West Plains and your eyesight sucks then you have to go out to the woodshed and make your own crappy handheld monocle out of an old pickle jar and a wire hanger. If that doesn't work then you're just supposed to squint, like a real American! [Springfield News-Leader]

Also, here is my brand new favorite website, because it doesn't require you to fuss over specific news topics for longer than about 45 seconds. [The Daily Beast]

And please bitch, check the slideshow. You know Sarah Palin looks good, so fuck all y'all. [Huffington Post]

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Drinking for the Betterment of America

I hope these two selfish candidates realize that America will be missing the Project Runway finale to watch them argue for an hour and a half. Tonight is supposedly about "domestic policy", but we all know they're just going to bitch at each other about the bailout and the surge, like always.

So, since tonight is the last night that we can use a Presidential Debate as a valid excuse for getting shitfaced, let's play a fun drinking game, eh?

Every time Barack Obama says "change", haughtily sip Tête de Cuvée from a crystal flute and then look down on everyone in the room with obvious disdain.

Every time John McCain says the surge worked, chug a beer and then ransack your neighbors house and demand that they hand over their weapons of mass destruction.

Every time Barack Obama denies something from his shady past, put on a burqa and then do a shot of something dark and exotic while reciting violent passages from the Quran.

Every time John McCain calls himself a maverick, drink something that has fermented in a barrel for about two hundred years until it turned into sour old vinegar. Then storm out of the room in a fit of rage.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

West Plains Says NO to the Hussein

Hey, check out this neat anti-Obama billboard from West Plains, Missouri. IMHO, I think the artist definitely captured Barry's radiant smile!

West Plains is mostly famous for being the hometown of something called a Porter Wagoner, but it is also the epicenter of highbrow intellectualism in America. I'm just kidding, that place is actually a total shithole infested with hideous white trash.

There is nothing in West Plains except a Wal-Mart Supercenter, a dilapidated mobile home park, a pawnshop/title loan company, and like 400 Pentecostal churches. Whatever you do, don't ever go to West Plains (especially if you're brown...or Muslim...or gay...or a WHORE!).[Springfield News-Leader]

Image from West Plains Daily Quill

Friday, October 3, 2008

Let Them Eat Pork

At the behest of the House of Lords and King George II, the House of Commons today passed legislation to handover $700 billion for Lord Paulson of Fuckery to use in whatever manner he sees fit.

In addition to Paulson's humble stipend, the House also bequeathed over $100 billion in crucial taxbreaks for Puerto Rican rum makers, toy arrow makers, and movie producers, just to name a few.

So hey, when we're all living in tent cities next week, be sure to produce a nice Hollywood blockbuster or whittle some sticks into toy arrows, because you can now get a kick ass tax break for that. [SF Gate]

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Liveblogging Idiot vs. Idiot

I don't know about you, but I am freakin' jazzed about tonight's Historic Debate between Russia's wingnut neighbor, Sarah Palin, and the perpetual foot-eater, Joe Biden. This debate is going to be kind of like that David Lynch movie Rabbits where the characters just awkwardly blurt out random statements that have nothing to do with anything.

Oh, what comedic horrors await us at tonight's Vice Presidential Debate???

1. Will Gwen Ifill look directly into the camera and tell Michelle Malkin to suck a fat nut for questioning her impartiality as a moderator?

2. Will Joe Biden say something so offensive that it causes a nationwide moment of uncomfortable silence?

3. Will Sarah Barracuda pull out her moose rifle and shoot Joe Biden right in his hair plugs while the CNN analysts obsess over those weird emotion-meter graphs?
One would hope all three of these things will happen, but none of them will, because American politics are the most depressingly overrated form of entertainment ever. So, now would be a good time to go ahead and toss back a couple of Vicodin-Celexa-tinis, because the action will be starting in less than fifteen minutes! Stay tuned, bitches!

08:00pm - Yay, it's starting, here we go. This is so exhilarating!
09:35pm - Oh wow, I totally passed out! I wonder if anything vaguely remarkable happened while I was taking a nice little disco nap? Was I just dreaming or did Palin kill Biden and grind the carcass into Biden-burger patties? Thankfully, CNN will replay this debate every 90 minutes for the next 48 hours. I hope I didn't miss anything interesting?!

Senate Passes Crucial Economic Legislation

I wanted to let everyone know that you can stop canning your vegetables now because the Senate just passed legislation for an economic bailout of the financial industry. Hooray! The thing that makes this bill so special is that it means absolutely nothing, because it's the House that holds the wallet.

Okay, start canning again! [MSNBC]

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Even Old White People Hate John McCain

Let's take a look at this clip of some reporter pestering a bunch of nice elderly folks that just want to eat their goddamn lunch and not be bothered. This journalist decided it would be fun to take an impromptu poll! Clearly, everyone in the restaurant raised their hand for Barack Obama and no one raised their hand for loathsome maverick John McCain. Did you know that was called a "split" over at Fox News?