Thursday, August 28, 2008

Angry Liberal Ruins Karaoke Night

Apparently there is some sort of Code Pink Pagan Fiesta happening in the frozen ice city of "Denver" this week. All the erudite socialists are there: the Clintons, the Kennedys, the Obamas, and Dennis Kucinich too! In fact, Kucinich was supposed to entertain the crowd by singing his version of Love Rollercoaster, a pop song about vigorous sexual acts by hit musical group The Ohio Players. But instead of singing he totally went off on some tangent and just started screaming at everybody for no good reason. Everyone was so confused that they gave him a standing ovation, because they did not know what else to do.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

John McCain Flashback - 2006

Hey, remember the good ol' days of 2006? Every American drove a Hummer to their McJob because gas was only $2.20 a gallon. The predatory lenders our tax dollars would later bailout from bankruptcy were enthusiastically handing out mortgages to panhandling hobos. We had been fighting a pointless war for barely three years and were forking over a teeny little $200million per day to a puppet government in Iraq that had yet to develop the $80billion surplus they now have. Boy howdy, weren't those the glory days? I can almost hear a Bryan Adams song playing in the background. Yes, a Bryan Adams song. That's how good those carefree days of yore were!

In fact, America was so enraptured in our bountiful ecstasy that everyone almost totally fucking forgot some of John McCain's patriotic comments to his fellow hardworking, taxpaying Americans in April of that memorable year, but hey, our Johnny was just barely 70 years old, so we should probably just attribute every statement he made back in those days to the follies of youth.

Especially the following statement that he made to a group of middle class employed citizens that had the audacity to be all liberal and ask why it was okay for non-American immigrant workers to steal jobs from taxpaying citizens. Little Maverick Johnny McCain said the following:

I don't think I have to tell you that there are jobs Americans won't do. I don't think I have to tell you that they (non-naturalized immigrants) are the backbone of our economy. My friends, I'll offer anybody here $50 an hour to go pick lettuce in Yuma this season and pick for the whole season. Not just one day, the whole season. You can't do it.

It should be noted that when American citizens attempted to apply for McCain's $50 an hour lettuce picking jobs, they were all turned away for various excuses.

I know, I know. I should just let go of the past. We shouldn't be holding politicians to the flames for their previous words and actions unless they are a Democrat. I just think if we're going to attribute a bitter elitist vegetable like arugula to Barack Obama than accordingly we should also attribute nutritionless filler like lettuce to John McCain. [YouTube]

Some Bullshit from the Greatest Nation on Earth

- "This country stands for nothing but bad loans, brute force and blind consumption." [AOL Political Machine]

- The Gay Agenda is in bed with the liberals over at MSNBC, but hey at least we don't have to listen to Dan Abrams for an entire hour anymore [Politico]

- The only thing crazier than a political internet commenter is a political internet commenter that plays Dungeons and Dragons [Boing Boing]

- Disgraced "journalist" Jeff Gannon is still pissed about that goddamn Helen Thomas getting a better seat than him in the pressroom [Jeff Gannon]

- Iraq war apologist David Brooks says McCain's sleazy campaign style is a result of the media's obsession with Barack Obama [New York Times]

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Also, Barack Obama Eats Babies

Almost everybody all ready knows that Barack Obama is pretty much a snooty Muslim dandy and the toast of socialist, America-hating liberals. I mean, that's just a given. All the smart people that voted for George Bush in 2000 and 2004 will tell you that. But what other things should we know about this Barack Obama fellow?

Luckily, I've found a place where I can access shitloads of information compliled against Barry and that barking hellhound wife of his, Michelle. This place I found is called the Obama File and boy does it ever come in handy when providing info against these wayward democrats and their terrible candidate.

Here are just a few of the totally true facts I've discovered about these scurrilous Obamas by visiting Obama File:

1. Did you know Michelle grew up in a middle class neighborhood and learned chess as a child? She also attended a very elitist school with programs for gifted children where they taught her to always hate whitey and damn the man.

2. Did you know that Barack Obama's parents were notorious communist secret agents and his Kenyan grandfather bought his grandmother for a dowry of fourteen cows, because he was a wealthy African socialite?

3. Are you aware that his last name sounds remarkably close to OSAMA? This is because Barack's communist mother hated America so much that she named him after an Islamic terrorist on purpose!

4. Did you know that Barack Obama has six half brothers and sisters...and every single one of them is black and Muslim. Oh my dear sweet brown baby Jesus, this man is just not fit to be president of our great nation.

You can find these fun facts and many, many, many, more at

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Good Christian Nature of Free Republic

On February 12th, fifteen year old Lawrence King was fatally shot by fellow classmate, fourteen year old Brandon McInerny. It was later discovered that King was openly gay and had asked McInerny to be his valentine, a fatal mistake the teenager would ultimately pay for with his young life.

Today, several media outlets reported that the parents of King are now planning to sue the school for failing to prevent the death of their son by allowing him to wear make-up which violated the school dress code, a legal maneuver that is sure to be controversial.

Speaking of controversial, let's take a look at a few of the kind words the mouthbreathing Christian "Defenders of our Constitution" over at Free Republic have to say about this murdered teenager. Since they're all so Jesus-y and what not, I'm quite sure they have some heartwarming pearls of wisdom to offer.

Neoliberalnot writes:
The crap-eaters have been emboldened and allowed to get away with this for the last decade. Imagine, being in physical education with these disgusting little creeps in the shower with the other boys.

Condor51 writes:
15 and in 8th Grade?!?
I think he was a bit more than 'emotionally troubled' (gay). He was stupid to boot.

Burkean writes:
When I was in school there was a clear line—girls were NOT allowed to wear slacks and boys never thought of wearing dresses. It all started going downhill when the girls started dressing like boys. Is it any surprise that the current trend is for boys to dress like girls?

Longtermmemmory[sic] writes:
did this school have a sex club in the form of GSA? (gay’ straight alliance club)

there is no “homosexual” child unless that child has been recruited by the monsters inside the teaching profession.

Chickensoup writes:
I hope the shooter’s parents sue the school for not protecting him from sexual abuse.

Lady Lawyer writes:
Actually, there was a lesbian school administrator who also encouraged the little pervert. She had an agenda.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Welcome to World War III

- Looking for a way to blame Bush for the crisis in Georgia? Al Jazeera may be able to help. [Al Jazeera English]

- The Baptist media has uncovered shocking evidence that Democrats might be in collusion with the buttsecksers. [Baptist Press]

- Will John McCain choose conservative Bush loyalist Britney Spears as his running mate? [YouTube]

- Clinton campaign memos paint Hillary as kind of a vicious bitch. [New York Times]

- President Bush says you can't just go around invading defenseless countries for no reason [Yahoo News]

- When looking for the proper way to surrender it's always best to consult with the French [AFP]

Monday, August 11, 2008

Late Night Slumming

Hey look, it's everyone's favorite conservative talkie lady, Ann Coulter! I saw her on Fox News this weekend when I was up late with a devastating case of the trots. She was on that um "news show" hosted by loathsome funnyman Greg Gutfeld and aptly titled "Red Eye".

The reason they call that show "Red Eye" is because of the oxygen rich blood that spews forth from unsuspecting viewers eye sockets if they watch this show repeatedly. It is broadcast on Fox News the second weekend of every month from 3:45am-4:05am, which is about twenty minutes too long if you ask me.

As you can see, Miss Coulter tried several times to provide intellectual political commentary about John Edwards sticking his dick inside everybody except his wife. Unfortunately, she could be barely get a word in edgewise because of all these other buffoons with their obsession for Barack Obama's elitist flapjacks.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Yes We Can!

According to fellow Springfield blogger Greg Holman, your Bureau of Mockery has been flagged as offensive for this totally innocuous post about Senator Hillary Clinton.

Oh wow, this is more than I ever could have imagined! First off, I'd like to thank my mother, blogspot, New Belgium Brewing Company, the makers of Zig-Zags, and Baby Jesus. Also, I just want to say that I could not have done this without the support of all my adoring fan.

Publisher Nixes Islamic Rape Novel

Random House announced today it has scrapped plans to publish a soft porn paperback called The Jewel of Medina, a fictional account of the life of the Prophet Muhammad's child bride Aisha, written by Danielle Steele some lady, because of the concern that all Muslims are hypersensitive suicidal maniacs that will freak out if this book ever sees the light of day. Random House fears this book could be the next Satanic Verses (except hopefully not nearly as fucking boring), so they just said the hell with it. Nobody wants a fatwa these days, I guess.

I believe Random House is doing the world such a great disservice. I bet this thing would've blown up on the New York Times bestseller list, but now we will never know this story, or will we? Based on historical accounts such as Wikipedia and about half a joint I suspect it probably went something like this:

Once upon a time a beautiful Arab child was born. Her parents decided to name her after famous pop singer Brandy's character on that hit sitcom. Oh wait, that was Moesha, nevermind. Well anyway, there was this precious little girl and her evil parents decided to sell her off as a sex slave to a horny old sicko named Muhammad. This awful pedophile raped Aisha repeatedly until she finally developed Stockholm Syndrome as a means of coping with the psychological damage resulting from years of sexual abuse. One day, Aisha had finally had it, so when Muhammad came home she told him all the honey he had eaten gave him stank ass breath. This caused Muhammad to throw a big bitch fit and leave for like a month. Finally Aisha told Muhammad to stop being such a cantankerous old bastard and so he returned home and beat her unmercifully. Eventually he died. The end.

There. Now wasn't that romantic? [Wall Street Journal]

Monday, August 4, 2008

You Shouldn't Say It's Free if You're Going to Ask for Money...

Holy Hell, did you guys know it costs $76k for the neocons over at FREE Republic to keep their damn message board going? Wow, I thought they were supposed to be fiscal conservatives? It only costs me like maybe a tenspot and some change to maintain the Bureau. I just need enough to cover the box of wine and some GPCs. On the other hand, the freepers are Republican so they probably have a higher overhead for necessities like flag pins, gay hookers, blow, and hush money for the mothers of their illegitimate mulatto children.

The good news is that these patriotic freepers have raised around $70k so far for their summer "freepathon"! The bad news is that they're still $6k short and they are so desperately hungry for cash that they will say anything to get it. For example, let's take a look at one of their recent marketing things. It features the infamous cover of the New Yorker (photo above) that everyone is so fucking sick of looking at with the following ominous message:

Apparently, the New Yorker thinks that electing a pair of militant America-hating Marxist/leftist Islamic extremist revolutionaries (er, "freedom fighters") to the presidency would be a real funny joke. Ha ha! /sarc

What say you? Gonna sit there and let it happen?

Below the ad, an online donation form is conveniently located for your charitible giving pleasure. Because unless you want America to be ruled by Imam Barack and Nancy Pelosi in a burqa you must send your entire life savings to the Free Republic post haste! The courageous freepers are the only ones that can save us from the tyranny of these Communist Muslims. [Free Republic]