Ted Haggard Had a Shitty Week

Remember Ted Haggard? He's the anti-gay Republican preacher that ran the New Life mega-church that also liked to snort meth while getting fucked by a gay hooker once a month for three years. Then he went off to dick rehab and came out 23 days later totally hetero again. Well, it seems he's pissed off a bunch of Evangelofascists again. Here's how it went down:

I guess Ted is going broke, so he sent out a press release urging his followers to send him monthly payments for the next two years so he could earn a degree while counselling people at a place called Dream Center. He said anyone that sent him money would surely be "rewarded in Heaven" and told them to send their donations to him through a non-profit organization called Families with a Mission.

Well, then a few things went awry. First, New Life, his former employer released a statement saying that Ted pandering for donations was a violation of the agreement he signed when he left. Then, Dream Center said it never had any intentions on hiring Ted and never told him anything to that effect. And last, but certainly not least, it came to light that Families with a Mission, the non-profit organization Ted was to have his donations funnelled through, was actually ran by a twice convicted sex offender and lost it's non-profit status months ago. Oops!

Well Ted, I dunno... I wouldn't hold my breath waiting for those donations if I were you. I don't think Christians will be too eager to send cash to a lying former meth-homo that hangs out with sex offenders. Maybe you could get a job as a Restroom Attendent at an airport or city park? I hear it's a great way to meet influential people these days.

Hero of the Week: Jon Soltz

Jon Soltz is the Chairman of VoteVets.org, an organization dedicated to ending the war in Iraq and refocusing our military efforts on bin Laden. He has a wealth of knowledge regarding politics in Iraq and regularly speaks out on the incompetency of the Bush Administration. He is an Iraq war veteran and also fought in Kosovo under the Clinton Administration. Here are a few of the notable achievements of Jon Soltz:

• Told punk bitch Rep. Brian Baird earlier this week in a very composed tone that Baird's trip to Iraq was nothing more than a "dog and pony show"


• Chided Lt. Colonel Buzz Patterson on Hardball for his "cheerleader tour" in Iraq
  
• Called out failed presidential candidate Duncan Hunter for the pencil pushing liar he is on Hannity & Colmes and frustrated Hannity to the point that he had to go to break


• Said war supporter Joe Lieberman spent the Vietnam years in law school and made fun of him for wearing fake Oakley's on his photo-op trip to Iraq

Here are few other unconfirmed, but interesting facts about Jon Soltz....

Jon Soltz can do more pushups than you. He doesn't sleep or blink. Jon Soltz can control you with the power of his mind.

Jon Soltz was once worshipped as a god by primitive tribespeople in the Amazon. He can also fly. Jon Soltz knows who really killed Kennedy. He can say fuck you in every language.

Jon Soltz can eat with his toes...using chopsticks. He can drive with his eyes closed. Jon Soltz is better in bed than you. His dick is also way bigger than yours.

Jon Soltz invented the martini. He is the one officially responsible for bringing sexy back. Jon Soltz is not a comptetive eater, but if he were, he would be the world champion.

[For more Jon Soltz, check out his blog at Huffington Post]

Muslims Are So Bitchy...

Well, I guess those people that pray towards Mecca and blow themselves up are all pissed off (yet again..) because some artist in Sweden published a drawing of a dog with the head of the Prophet Mohammad. Big Damn Deal! Everyone knows that Mohammad was the bastard son of an unclean whore and likely fathered by a rabid dog, so I don't really see what all the fuss is about.

I mean, they worship some sort of pagan moon gods called the Allahs and smoke shitloads of opium, so you'd think they'd be more friendly....you know, like hippies.

Why are Muslims always so pissy anyway? I think it's because they know they're all going to Hell because Jesus hates them for calling God by the wrong name. Especially Iran, they're the worst. Iran is constantly throwing a bitch fit about something....

[Click here for the actual story from Reuters]

G.O.P.eter Puffers

Another Day, Another Horny Republican in a Bathroom Story

Well, it's the start of a brand new week, so you know what that means. Yup, brand new headlines about a Republican arrested for something penis related in a public bathroom.

In mid-June, a very old, crusty, and obviously stupid Sen. Larry Craig of Idaho was arrested for lewd conduct after trying to score some weiner from a plainclothes officer in a bathroom at the Minneapolis airport. What an idiot! Did he really think he could get nasty with another guy in a friggin AIRPORT restroom and not get noticed/arrested. He would've been less conspicuous if he'd just walked around the streets of Minneapolis with a big cardboard sign that said, "FREE BLOWJOBS FOR COPS!!"

Anyway, the Senator pled guilty and was officially sentenced by the judge today. He's on probation and has to pay a fine, no biggie....but of course the "official statement" he released was dodgy and still implied possible innocence (even though he pled guilty AND was accused of homosexual activity with pages back in 1982). See below for a sample of excuses from Sen. Craig.

• This was just a he said/he said misunderstanding
• The police were misconstruing my actions
• In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty

After all these creepy stories about politicians lately, I just hope people are bringing hand sanitizer to political rallies and thinking twice before shaking their Senator's hand....

Televangelists Say the Darnedest Things

Sadly this week, it was announced that Christian Televangelist/Dickface/All-Out Motherfucker Bill Keller was having his program, Live Prayer with Bill Keller, yanked from the air as of August 31st.

Apparently, "live prayer" included saying such inspirational things as:

• Islam is a 1,400-year-old lie from the pits of hell
• The Koran is a book of fables and lies
• Oprah is a new-age witch
• Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses and Scientologists are evil cults
• Voting for Mitt Romney is a vote for Satan
• Mohammed was a murdering pedophile

Calls to Mitt Romney, Mohammed, and Oprah were not immediately returned.

From the Bureau of Mexican Handouts

With Hurricane Dean approaching Mexico, The Decider has assured Felipe Calderon that our wallets would be open and accessible to them even more than it was pre-Dean. "We stand ready to help," said Bush. And by "we", he really means the American taxpayers, not just him, Laura, and Condi.

This is the only fair thing to do since Mexico was such a huge part of the recovery effort of Hurricanes Katrina and Rita. After all, they did loan us a couple of boats patrolled by Mexicans that actually returned home when they were done. So, the least we could do is give them a shitload of money that ultimately won't go to the people who need it anyway. Cuz that's how we roll.....it's called the American Way.

He also went on to say, "The American people care a lot about the human condition" and "when we see human suffering we want to do what we can." *

* To qualify for Bush's federal sympathy program you must be a sovereign entity willing to either overlook, ignore, or agree with U.S. foreign policy, and/or represent the economic or military interests of corrupt leaders/political parties. Middle Eastern nations, except for Israel, are exempt by default and all references to "the human condition" and "human suffering" in their region will hereby be referred to as "victory" or "collateral damage".

Homos for Hillary '08

This past week, HRC/Logo presented a Presidential Forum geared toward gay and lesbian issues. I felt a personal obligation to watch and I'm glad that I did, because it was complete bullshit very enlightening. Six of the eight Democratic hopefuls were in attendance, but surprisingly none of the Republican candidates accepted the invitation. Hmm, that's odd?

For your convenience, let me quickly summarize each of the candidates message in the order they appeared:

• Barack Obama - fully understands gay issues because he's black and has a funny name, isn't afraid to talk about AIDS at church, believes that "separate but equal" is ok as long as it's called something else


• John Edwards - isn't uncomfortable around homos, wants children to learn about gay sex in school, said personal beliefs shouldn't be a reason to deny gay marriage, but is against gay marriage because of personal beliefs


• Dennis Kucinich - loves everybody, decorates his office with gay stickers, wants you to picture an equality symblol inside a big red heart embroidered on a carebear that's being hugged by a cute little girl with pigtails as she giggles happily while daydreaming about butterflies, kitty-cats, puppies, and equal rights for gay Americans (he was my personal favorite)


• Mike Gravel - said most old people are flat-out stupid, impressively named off all three of the gays in Alaska, periodically appeared to be fighting the urge to beat off while talking about the need for more love in the world


• Bill Richardson - defended his belief that homosexuality is a choice by saying he isn't a scientist, but is still able to sympathize with people that choose to be gay because he's half Hispanic


• Hillary Clinton - seemed to be the crowd favorite, most likely because she wore a necklace of coral-colored anal beads as a gesture of goodwill, Melissa Etherige was visibly unimpressed

Hero of the Week: Newt Gingrich

This week, young Jesus-blind white devils also known as the National Conservative Student Conference were gathered to have their flat-earth Christian beliefs refreshed by rich, influential assholes. Instead, they were treated to a little truth smackdown courtesy of guest speaker Newt Gingrich.

Ol' Newtie came to the podium and quoted some statistics from Detroit, where black males are more likely to go to prison than to succeed. Surprisingly, he didn't equate this to a lack of prayer in schools. Instead, he said, "How can we tolerate systems more likely to send young Americans to prison than college?"

He also went on to say the following...much to the dismay of the group of privileged whitebread dickheads:

• Republicans have this maniacally dumb idea of red versus blue. They say Detroit is a blue place, so we're not going to go there.
• Republican political doctrine has been a failure
• Look at New Orleans. How can you say that was a success?
• We've been in charge for six years and I don't think you can look around and say that was a great success.
• We have got to get beyond this political bologna. I'm not allowed to say anything positive about Hillary Clinton because then I'm not a loyal Republican, and she's not allowed to say anything positive about me because then she's not a loyal Democrat. What a stupid way to run a country.
• None of you should believe we are winning this war
• We are in a phony war ... we have not been taking this seriously.

Wow Newt, what in the hell has gotten into you? And where did all that come from? I think it's obvious that he's been hanging out with his lesbian sister a little too much an now he's just spouting off a bunch of liberal mumbo-jumbo.

For the full article, go to Salon.com