Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Holiday Assortment of Various Tragedies

- College will turn your sweet little princess into a raging bulldyke [Townhall]

- Cynthia McKinney's pirate ship, the SS Moonbat, was viciously attacked by Jews [Michelle Malkin]

- Blago's Senate pick has built himself an opulent death palace, because black people are very haughty. [Wonkette]

- Why won't Barack Obama stop golfing and restore world peace? [Daily Mail]

- Dr. Freeper McWingnut wrote some dumb book about crazy liberals [WorldNetDaily]

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Brave President Narrowly Dodges Islamic Terrorist Attack

Today an Iraqi insurgent committed a heinous Richard Reid-style shoe assault against Our Heroic President, George W. Bush, Jr. Also, Dana Perino was brutally punched in the eye with a microphone, just because.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Would You Like to Eat Your Bacon Cheese Fries Off of Barack Obama's Face?

Everyone in Real America knows that the best way to celebrate the inauguration of a new President is with commemorative plates. This is a long standing tradition among white people here in the States, because of its vast array of multiple uses.

A commemorative plate is sheer magic. You can proudly display it as "art" on the wall of your mobile home. You could use it to hold a serving of your favorite Hamburger Helper. Also for snorting lines of cocaine. If you're an angry wingnut or one of those raving Hilltards could hang it at eye level and yell racist obscenities at it all day long as a way of coping with all of your issues. Most importantly, it is a very nice compliment to a Precious Moments figurine collection or any other heap of swap meet bullshit that you may have strewn about your wonderful place of residence.

As you can plainly see, one could create an entire website dedicated to the myriad of uses for the miracle known as collectible dinnerware. But seriously people, if you want one of these damn Barry O. plates you'd better order now! Supplies are limited to two per customer due to the extremely high demand from folks looking for anything with a picture of America's first Quadroon Sunni King, so that they can peddle it over at E-bay for a profit. [VictoryPlate.com]

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Former "Toonces the Driving Cat" Actress Issues Ominous Warning Against Nightmarish Obama Dystopia

International mega-celebrity Victoria Jackson, whose theatrical accomplishments include the critically acclaimed 1988 box office hit Casual Sex and also Celebrity Fit Club, took to the airwaves of America's most "fair" and "balanced" cable news network to issue a dire warning against electing Barack Hussein Marx Guevara Lenin Mao Stalin Obama. This patriot, Ms. Jackson, courageously called Obama a communist, because she has read George Orwell's novel 1984 twice. She also compared Obama to Fidel Castro and "the guy in China", Jackie Chan.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

West Plains and Some Other Things

Oh gawd, more news from the wretched hellscape of West Plains! This time some fancy racist in a suit and glasses committed battery against an innocent brown liberal. I suspect this bully was actually a Democratic plant, possibly an elitist from Manhattan, because people in West Plains do not own "suits". They don't even sell "suits" down at the West Plains Supercenter.

The citizens of West Plains are relegated to nothing but overalls, sweat/stretch pants, or ill fitting Rustler jeans. These are their only options. They also don't wear highfalutin city glasses. That's right, if you live in West Plains and your eyesight sucks then you have to go out to the woodshed and make your own crappy handheld monocle out of an old pickle jar and a wire hanger. If that doesn't work then you're just supposed to squint, like a real American! [Springfield News-Leader]

Also, here is my brand new favorite website, because it doesn't require you to fuss over specific news topics for longer than about 45 seconds. [The Daily Beast]

And please bitch, check the slideshow. You know Sarah Palin looks good, so fuck all y'all. [Huffington Post]

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Drinking for the Betterment of America

I hope these two selfish candidates realize that America will be missing the Project Runway finale to watch them argue for an hour and a half. Tonight is supposedly about "domestic policy", but we all know they're just going to bitch at each other about the bailout and the surge, like always.

So, since tonight is the last night that we can use a Presidential Debate as a valid excuse for getting shitfaced, let's play a fun drinking game, eh?

Every time Barack Obama says "change", haughtily sip Tête de Cuvée from a crystal flute and then look down on everyone in the room with obvious disdain.

Every time John McCain says the surge worked, chug a beer and then ransack your neighbors house and demand that they hand over their weapons of mass destruction.

Every time Barack Obama denies something from his shady past, put on a burqa and then do a shot of something dark and exotic while reciting violent passages from the Quran.

Every time John McCain calls himself a maverick, drink something that has fermented in a barrel for about two hundred years until it turned into sour old vinegar. Then storm out of the room in a fit of rage.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

West Plains Says NO to the Hussein

Hey, check out this neat anti-Obama billboard from West Plains, Missouri. IMHO, I think the artist definitely captured Barry's radiant smile!

West Plains is mostly famous for being the hometown of something called a Porter Wagoner, but it is also the epicenter of highbrow intellectualism in America. I'm just kidding, that place is actually a total shithole infested with hideous white trash.

There is nothing in West Plains except a Wal-Mart Supercenter, a dilapidated mobile home park, a pawnshop/title loan company, and like 400 Pentecostal churches. Whatever you do, don't ever go to West Plains (especially if you're brown...or Muslim...or gay...or a WHORE!).[Springfield News-Leader]

Image from West Plains Daily Quill

Friday, October 3, 2008

Let Them Eat Pork

At the behest of the House of Lords and King George II, the House of Commons today passed legislation to handover $700 billion for Lord Paulson of Fuckery to use in whatever manner he sees fit.

In addition to Paulson's humble stipend, the House also bequeathed over $100 billion in crucial taxbreaks for Puerto Rican rum makers, toy arrow makers, and movie producers, just to name a few.

So hey, when we're all living in tent cities next week, be sure to produce a nice Hollywood blockbuster or whittle some sticks into toy arrows, because you can now get a kick ass tax break for that. [SF Gate]

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Liveblogging Idiot vs. Idiot

I don't know about you, but I am freakin' jazzed about tonight's Historic Debate between Russia's wingnut neighbor, Sarah Palin, and the perpetual foot-eater, Joe Biden. This debate is going to be kind of like that David Lynch movie Rabbits where the characters just awkwardly blurt out random statements that have nothing to do with anything.

Oh, what comedic horrors await us at tonight's Vice Presidential Debate???

1. Will Gwen Ifill look directly into the camera and tell Michelle Malkin to suck a fat nut for questioning her impartiality as a moderator?

2. Will Joe Biden say something so offensive that it causes a nationwide moment of uncomfortable silence?

3. Will Sarah Barracuda pull out her moose rifle and shoot Joe Biden right in his hair plugs while the CNN analysts obsess over those weird emotion-meter graphs?
One would hope all three of these things will happen, but none of them will, because American politics are the most depressingly overrated form of entertainment ever. So, now would be a good time to go ahead and toss back a couple of Vicodin-Celexa-tinis, because the action will be starting in less than fifteen minutes! Stay tuned, bitches!

08:00pm - Yay, it's starting, here we go. This is so exhilarating!
09:35pm - Oh wow, I totally passed out! I wonder if anything vaguely remarkable happened while I was taking a nice little disco nap? Was I just dreaming or did Palin kill Biden and grind the carcass into Biden-burger patties? Thankfully, CNN will replay this debate every 90 minutes for the next 48 hours. I hope I didn't miss anything interesting?!

Senate Passes Crucial Economic Legislation

I wanted to let everyone know that you can stop canning your vegetables now because the Senate just passed legislation for an economic bailout of the financial industry. Hooray! The thing that makes this bill so special is that it means absolutely nothing, because it's the House that holds the wallet.

Okay, start canning again! [MSNBC]

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Even Old White People Hate John McCain

Let's take a look at this clip of some reporter pestering a bunch of nice elderly folks that just want to eat their goddamn lunch and not be bothered. This journalist decided it would be fun to take an impromptu poll! Clearly, everyone in the restaurant raised their hand for Barack Obama and no one raised their hand for loathsome maverick John McCain. Did you know that was called a "split" over at Fox News?

Monday, September 29, 2008

House Tells Wall Street to Suck It

The entire U.S. economy collapsed today after the House of Representatives decided not to give Hank Paulson a big stack of borrowed Chinese money to throw at Wall Street. This latest development in the terribly boring economic saga raises three very important questions:

1. Will we all be squatting in foreclosed McMansions next week?

2. Will we be forced to eat dirt cookies for sustenance?

3. Will they have free wi-fi at the bread lines for those of us that haven't yet pawned our laptops to make ends meet?

P.S. Also, this is all Nancy Pelosi's fault! [Wall Street Journal]

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Post Debate Hangover

Last night's Historic Presidential Debate really was something special! If you missed it, check out the Cynics' Party liveblog.

I feel like the most Americaniest American in the whole world, because not only did I watch the debate, but I also labored through one zillion hours of elitist CNN liberals prattling on with their analysis both before and after the debate. I endured this torture by patriotically smoking so much Mexican stank that I developed black lung and finally passed out in my desk chair from lack of oxygen and a seizure induced by staring at CNN's real-time chart things for too long. It's called Country First, people!

Anyway, it was refreshing to see that both candidates have absolutlely no real solutions for fixing our busted ass economy, which is why I should probably wrap up this entry so I can make a run on the Wal-Mart Supercenter to stock up on canned ham and ramen noodles. I don't want to be one of those poor suckers that have nothing to eat but the grass in their neighbor's foreclosed lawn when the New Depression drops on Monday.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Katie Couric is Sexist Against Women

I am truly sickened with the mainstream media's unrelenting sexism against Sarah Palin. This YouTube clip is just more proof of CBS's notorious liberal bias. Wake up, America! These media socialists are purposely making Sarah Palin look like a complete idiot by employing the following dirty tactics:

1. Asking her relevant questions
2. Letting her answer those questions
3. Broadcasting the interview
You know, John McCain was a prisoner of war for over five years. He bravely crashed his plane into Vietnam for the sake of freedom in America! I think it's about damn time these ungrateful media elites start showing him and his dumbass idiot running mate a little respect!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sweetheart, Did Jesus Touch Your Googly?

The Bureau of Mockery is bringing you this special late-night bulletin to let you know that Evangelicals are chaste and pious except that they all fuck gay hookers, young children, or both... due to their secret meth addiction. This is a finite truth.

Tonight, police raided Tony Alamo Ministries in Arkansas and began interviewing children as part a child pornography investigation involving physical abuse, sexual abuse, polygamy, and underage marriage.

Poor Mr. Alamo compared his legal troubles to the persecution of Jesus H. Christ and also blamed same-sex marriage for all this unfair scrutiny of his Christian kidfuckery.

This is yet another reason why we must never allow civil unions or gay marriage in America, because it causes the fundamentalists to touch the children.

This blog entry was sponsored in part by bottom shelf Pinot Noir. [ABC News]

Friday, September 19, 2008

Oh, the Sour Grapes of Wrath

- "I have had it with Pollyanna conservatives who continue to parrot the “fundamentals of the market are great!” line." [Michelle Malkin]

- Festive stick figures explain why everyone lost their 401k [The Subprime Primer]

- And as the treasury was being looted, Speaker Pelosi busied herself by penning a lovely weblog for Arianna Huffington's internet newspaper [Huffington Post]

- The Republicans are to blame for the current economic crisis [Miami Herald]

- The Democrats are to blame for the current economic crisis [Newnan Times-Herald]

- Thankfully, we will all die from dehydration before civilization as we know it implodes into itself and ceases to exist [All Headline News]

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Michelle Malkin is a Dumb Cunt

Stalwart conservative Michelle Malkin is the luckiest lady in the world. She gets to spend all day in front of her pc typing terrible facist opinions about crucial issues affecting America like Rachel Ray's secret Islamofascism and twelve year old Graeme Frost with his socialist demands for free healthcare. Her vile opinions are so important that she actually gets paid to write them down. Only in America, right?

This week poor Michelle had another issue thrust upon her that she was forced to address. It's something new that has been labeled "sexism". It is a term that's been newly invented to describe the awful liberal media's unwarranted scrutiny of Sarah "Barracuda" Palin, because of her womanhood.

For instance, can you believe the goddamn liberal media has the gall to mention that Sarah is an Evangelical nutbag with fucked up beliefs? Or that Sarah Palin's Alaka town, Wasilla, had a policy that would bill innocent rape victims for their forensic medical examinations until the governor of Alaska passed a bill prohibiting it? OMG, this unfair sexism is so rampant that I don't even know what!

Well, since this feminist Michelle Malkin is so appalled at the scrutiny of Sarah Palin then I bet she was super mortified when Hillary Clinton had to deal with "sexism" at a political rally where a mouthbreathing gentleman held up a sign that said "Iron My Shirt"? Let's take a look at what she had to say about that:

...Hillary Clinton was at a Salem, NH rally earlier today where two male hecklers held up signs that read “Iron My Shirt.” They also yelled the odd slogan at delicate Hillary, who showed her jocular but steely side and batted down the sexist diatribe. Spontaneously, of course. Like those watery eyes.

...The question is whether someone in the campaign happened to encourage goofballs like these to show up today. There’s a history of that in the Hillary campaign, you know.

...She’s as predictable as rain in Seattle, fog in San Francisco, and wildfires in Malibu

...Hillary Cinton, Boo-hoo-hoo

Hmmm, well now this seems odd? When "sexism" was displayed on a shitty homemade sign toward Hillary Clinton it seems like Malkin felt the need to call Hillary "delicate" and then accuse her of orchestrating the whole event for political purposes. It's almost like this Malkin lady has two sets of standards? I guess maybe you would call something like that a double standard? That's strange? [Michelle Malkin]

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Friday, September 5, 2008

Sarah Palin's Horrible New Fan

So I'm watching this focus group discussion on Sarah Palin. It seems to be going well except several of the women are extremely sexist against working mothers, but other than that it is an honest discussion from a spectrum of independent voters.

Then about five minutes into the clip things go south when some frumpy hosebeast gleefully tells everyone she's voting for McCain because Sarah Palin seems to have a lot of energy. I immediately hate this terrible voter for burdening the Earth with her excessive stupidity. She is easy to loathe because she embodies the perfect mixture of pride and willful ignorance.

Not to generalize, but I think we all know this tragic soul . Her drink of choice is Zima. If she's feeling extra sassy she'll put on her favorite Shania Twain CD and toss back a couple shots of Arbor Mist with a Crystal Light chaser . On the weekends, for fun, she likes to get up bright and early so she can can scan the morning paper for yard sales and then read the Cathy comic before rushing out the door in her Crocs. Her closest friends are her two cats, Cagney and Lacey. Every time there's a family dinner you can expect this bitch to show up with some god awful Jello/Cool Whip/multi-colored marshmallow nightmare.

She is empty on the inside and so she fills that void with commemorative plates and QVC jewelry. When no one is watching she secretly cuts her Beanie Babies and then sobs into her wretched scrapbooks. She is everything that is wrong with America and her fat ass is most likely crammed into a Kia Rio in the drive-thru at the nearest Dairy Queen right now(she refuses to patronize McDonald's after she found out they support the Gay Agenda).

If you would like to view this heinous creature spouting off her meaningless opinions just click the link I have provided for your convenience. She makes her grand appearance at 5mins 20seconds. Enjoy! -[YouTube]

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Liveblogging the Emperor of Oppressive White Theocracy

0739 - Lookie, it's a video montage of Muslims with machine guns and the Twin Towers burning with an ominous voiceover. Wolf Blitzer is completely baffled that the Republicans would politicize the tragedy of 9/11. I wish some Code Pink nutbag would set his beard on fire.

0752 - Ok, I can't listen to Lindsey Graham's shitkicking faggot bullshit unless I go on a beer run. BRB!

0800 - The only surge Lindsey Graham needs to be talking about is the one that just shot out of the anonymous penis, through the glory hole, and into his mouth at the Minneapolis airport bathroom

0801 - Oh hey guys, the surge worked, so let's just repeat the word "surge" as many times as possible and maybe everyone will forget the pre-surge clusterfuck of death and destruction

0806 - Graham has said "surge" one thousand times and the rednecks are going apeshit. I am seriously going on a liquor run.

0816 - The liquor store was filled with tragic soulless alcoholics....they must be fellow convention watchers

0820 - There's going to be a Cindy McCain Tribute video! It will be a heartwarming tale of Escada powerbitch suits, private jets, stolen Vicodin, and lies about Mother Teresa.

0826 - What the hell is up with this manic, Requiem for a Dream-esque soundtrack? This music makes me feel like a junkie.

0828 - Cindy McCain will heal the world, humbly, with pills, and overly emotive black and white photos

0845 - I can't tell if Cindy is wearing a flag pin or not. She has something pinned to her breast, but it is so encrusted with blood diamonds that I can't tell what it is.

0851 - Johnny must be making his grand entrance soon, because they're playing the hit rock song "Johnny Be Good" that all the kids are dancing to at the sock hops these days. Jesus Fucking Christ.

0904 - The John McCain POW Bondage Porn Video is getting ready to start!

0912 - And here he is, The Maverick!

0915 - While Johnny is giving his thanks, I'd like to take the opportunity to say that only thing John McCain has ever successfully ran was a plane, into the ground, in Vietnam.

0917 - Aw, he's thanking his hero, President George W. Bush!

0918 - John McCain is thankful for Cindy, because she pays for everything

0922 - Also, "everyone is created equal" (homosexuals not included)

0925 - Oh hey, let's not forget Patsy Palin. Oh, I mean Sarah Palin. Why on earth would I call her Patsy?

0928 - Cue John McCain's pointless "pork barrel" bullshit, because Americans are too fucking stupid to know that spending and pork are two totally different things. Of course these inbred lemmings are clapping.

0935 - Muslim Barack Obama voted for corporate welfare for George Bush's oil buddies!

0939 - John McCain has both an economic AND a healthcare plan? Can I get a copy of those "plans"?

0941 - Ok, fuck this. I'm done live-blogging this Stale Cracker Rally. Before I make my exit I'd like to suggest that maybe we could harness the power of Barry Goldwater and Thomas Jefferson spinning in their graves as an alternative energy source. Goodnight doomed Americans.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Highlights from the Godforsaken Republican National Convention

Fine, I'll live blog this damn mess, but it's not getting time stamped and I'm not editing it tonight. Where is my wine glass? Where is my wine? Guess I should grab the weed too. Ok, I'm ready now...

- Oh look, there's First Lady Laura Bush. Wow, she hasn't blinked in nearly seven years minutes.

- Oh great, and there's that ne'erdowell husband of hers, George W., being broadcast into the convention via fancy Chinese hologram

- George says the angry left will always hate patriots like John McCain even though the Viet Cong broke both his arms, but they don't care because they're all communist sympathizers

- Oh YAY, it's time for a Ronald Reagan Tribute Reel! How fun!

- John McCain is just like Reagan because he's going to raise taxes and give amnesty to illegals

- John McCain was a member of the Reagan Revolution because he can't stand Russia's punk ass

- No seriously, John McCain hates Russian commies so much and he was totally gonna break em off a piece of something, but then poor Ronnie went and got shot by one of Jodi Foster's friends.

- This convention makes absolutely no sense. Did they just say Reagan was like Lincoln and McCain is like Reagan? Does that mean McCain is Lincoln as well and if so, then ho... Oh look, here comes famous Hollywood celebrity Fred Thompson!

- Good God Freddie, Mystic Tan much?

- The bitter media hates Sarah Palin because she's not part of the infamous "Washington Cocktail Circuit" (Cheers!)

- Sarah Palin is not just a maverick, she's an Alaskan maverick, and that's way better than a plain ol' maverick because it means she can wrestle a moose

- Democrats are alligators living in a swamp? What? Come on Freddie, you're starting to lose the audience. Pull it together!

- Fred saves himself by giving a shout-out to Roberta McCain. On a personal note, I love me some Roberta McCain. Fred says Roberta could've taken on the entire North Vietnamese Army and won. Roberta is not amused! God Fred, why do you have to say such stupid things to Johnny's mom?

- Fred says John McCain is a bigtime maverick and one time in Florida there was this hooker in John McCain's Corvette and they....FREDDIE STOP!OMG! JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

- Seriously folks, John McCain was brutally tortured in an overpriced Hilton Hotel back in the sixties. Fred Thompson is now going to spend about six excruciating minutes describing every nightmarish detail of the whole ordeal until every American feels just a little uncomfortable.

- Oh hey guys, don't forget that we're winning in Iraq

- John McCain is not a celebrity like European Barack Obama, but John McCain is as important as the Pledge of Allegiance! Say what?


- The liberals want the "water out of your bucket"

- John McCainn is "gonna give it a good shakin". What does that even mean?

Ok, fuck this. I'm done. I tried, I really did, but I just can't listen to all this dumbfuckery. But I will tomorrow night when Sarah Palin takes the stage! Goodnight, loyal reader(s)!

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Angry Liberal Ruins Karaoke Night

Apparently there is some sort of Code Pink Pagan Fiesta happening in the frozen ice city of "Denver" this week. All the erudite socialists are there: the Clintons, the Kennedys, the Obamas, and Dennis Kucinich too! In fact, Kucinich was supposed to entertain the crowd by singing his version of Love Rollercoaster, a pop song about vigorous sexual acts by hit musical group The Ohio Players. But instead of singing he totally went off on some tangent and just started screaming at everybody for no good reason. Everyone was so confused that they gave him a standing ovation, because they did not know what else to do.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

John McCain Flashback - 2006

Hey, remember the good ol' days of 2006? Every American drove a Hummer to their McJob because gas was only $2.20 a gallon. The predatory lenders our tax dollars would later bailout from bankruptcy were enthusiastically handing out mortgages to panhandling hobos. We had been fighting a pointless war for barely three years and were forking over a teeny little $200million per day to a puppet government in Iraq that had yet to develop the $80billion surplus they now have. Boy howdy, weren't those the glory days? I can almost hear a Bryan Adams song playing in the background. Yes, a Bryan Adams song. That's how good those carefree days of yore were!

In fact, America was so enraptured in our bountiful ecstasy that everyone almost totally fucking forgot some of John McCain's patriotic comments to his fellow hardworking, taxpaying Americans in April of that memorable year, but hey, our Johnny was just barely 70 years old, so we should probably just attribute every statement he made back in those days to the follies of youth.

Especially the following statement that he made to a group of middle class employed citizens that had the audacity to be all liberal and ask why it was okay for non-American immigrant workers to steal jobs from taxpaying citizens. Little Maverick Johnny McCain said the following:

I don't think I have to tell you that there are jobs Americans won't do. I don't think I have to tell you that they (non-naturalized immigrants) are the backbone of our economy. My friends, I'll offer anybody here $50 an hour to go pick lettuce in Yuma this season and pick for the whole season. Not just one day, the whole season. You can't do it.

It should be noted that when American citizens attempted to apply for McCain's $50 an hour lettuce picking jobs, they were all turned away for various excuses.

I know, I know. I should just let go of the past. We shouldn't be holding politicians to the flames for their previous words and actions unless they are a Democrat. I just think if we're going to attribute a bitter elitist vegetable like arugula to Barack Obama than accordingly we should also attribute nutritionless filler like lettuce to John McCain. [YouTube]

Some Bullshit from the Greatest Nation on Earth

- "This country stands for nothing but bad loans, brute force and blind consumption." [AOL Political Machine]

- The Gay Agenda is in bed with the liberals over at MSNBC, but hey at least we don't have to listen to Dan Abrams for an entire hour anymore [Politico]

- The only thing crazier than a political internet commenter is a political internet commenter that plays Dungeons and Dragons [Boing Boing]

- Disgraced "journalist" Jeff Gannon is still pissed about that goddamn Helen Thomas getting a better seat than him in the pressroom [Jeff Gannon]

- Iraq war apologist David Brooks says McCain's sleazy campaign style is a result of the media's obsession with Barack Obama [New York Times]

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Also, Barack Obama Eats Babies

Almost everybody all ready knows that Barack Obama is pretty much a snooty Muslim dandy and the toast of socialist, America-hating liberals. I mean, that's just a given. All the smart people that voted for George Bush in 2000 and 2004 will tell you that. But what other things should we know about this Barack Obama fellow?

Luckily, I've found a place where I can access shitloads of information compliled against Barry and that barking hellhound wife of his, Michelle. This place I found is called the Obama File and boy does it ever come in handy when providing info against these wayward democrats and their terrible candidate.

Here are just a few of the totally true facts I've discovered about these scurrilous Obamas by visiting Obama File:

1. Did you know Michelle grew up in a middle class neighborhood and learned chess as a child? She also attended a very elitist school with programs for gifted children where they taught her to always hate whitey and damn the man.

2. Did you know that Barack Obama's parents were notorious communist secret agents and his Kenyan grandfather bought his grandmother for a dowry of fourteen cows, because he was a wealthy African socialite?

3. Are you aware that his last name sounds remarkably close to OSAMA? This is because Barack's communist mother hated America so much that she named him after an Islamic terrorist on purpose!

4. Did you know that Barack Obama has six half brothers and sisters...and every single one of them is black and Muslim. Oh my dear sweet brown baby Jesus, this man is just not fit to be president of our great nation.

You can find these fun facts and many, many, many, more at TheObamaFile.com

Friday, August 15, 2008

The Good Christian Nature of Free Republic

On February 12th, fifteen year old Lawrence King was fatally shot by fellow classmate, fourteen year old Brandon McInerny. It was later discovered that King was openly gay and had asked McInerny to be his valentine, a fatal mistake the teenager would ultimately pay for with his young life.

Today, several media outlets reported that the parents of King are now planning to sue the school for failing to prevent the death of their son by allowing him to wear make-up which violated the school dress code, a legal maneuver that is sure to be controversial.

Speaking of controversial, let's take a look at a few of the kind words the mouthbreathing Christian "Defenders of our Constitution" over at Free Republic have to say about this murdered teenager. Since they're all so Jesus-y and what not, I'm quite sure they have some heartwarming pearls of wisdom to offer.

Neoliberalnot writes:
The crap-eaters have been emboldened and allowed to get away with this for the last decade. Imagine, being in physical education with these disgusting little creeps in the shower with the other boys.

Condor51 writes:
15 and in 8th Grade?!?
I think he was a bit more than 'emotionally troubled' (gay). He was stupid to boot.

Burkean writes:
When I was in school there was a clear line—girls were NOT allowed to wear slacks and boys never thought of wearing dresses. It all started going downhill when the girls started dressing like boys. Is it any surprise that the current trend is for boys to dress like girls?

Longtermmemmory[sic] writes:
did this school have a sex club in the form of GSA? (gay’ straight alliance club)

there is no “homosexual” child unless that child has been recruited by the monsters inside the teaching profession.

Chickensoup writes:
I hope the shooter’s parents sue the school for not protecting him from sexual abuse.

Lady Lawyer writes:
Actually, there was a lesbian school administrator who also encouraged the little pervert. She had an agenda.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Welcome to World War III

- Looking for a way to blame Bush for the crisis in Georgia? Al Jazeera may be able to help. [Al Jazeera English]

- The Baptist media has uncovered shocking evidence that Democrats might be in collusion with the buttsecksers. [Baptist Press]

- Will John McCain choose conservative Bush loyalist Britney Spears as his running mate? [YouTube]

- Clinton campaign memos paint Hillary as kind of a vicious bitch. [New York Times]

- President Bush says you can't just go around invading defenseless countries for no reason [Yahoo News]

- When looking for the proper way to surrender it's always best to consult with the French [AFP]

Monday, August 11, 2008

Late Night Slumming

Hey look, it's everyone's favorite conservative talkie lady, Ann Coulter! I saw her on Fox News this weekend when I was up late with a devastating case of the trots. She was on that um "news show" hosted by loathsome funnyman Greg Gutfeld and aptly titled "Red Eye".

The reason they call that show "Red Eye" is because of the oxygen rich blood that spews forth from unsuspecting viewers eye sockets if they watch this show repeatedly. It is broadcast on Fox News the second weekend of every month from 3:45am-4:05am, which is about twenty minutes too long if you ask me.

As you can see, Miss Coulter tried several times to provide intellectual political commentary about John Edwards sticking his dick inside everybody except his wife. Unfortunately, she could be barely get a word in edgewise because of all these other buffoons with their obsession for Barack Obama's elitist flapjacks.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Yes We Can!

According to fellow Springfield blogger Greg Holman, your Bureau of Mockery has been flagged as offensive for this totally innocuous post about Senator Hillary Clinton.

Oh wow, this is more than I ever could have imagined! First off, I'd like to thank my mother, blogspot, New Belgium Brewing Company, the makers of Zig-Zags, and Baby Jesus. Also, I just want to say that I could not have done this without the support of all my adoring fan.

Publisher Nixes Islamic Rape Novel

Random House announced today it has scrapped plans to publish a soft porn paperback called The Jewel of Medina, a fictional account of the life of the Prophet Muhammad's child bride Aisha, written by Danielle Steele some lady, because of the concern that all Muslims are hypersensitive suicidal maniacs that will freak out if this book ever sees the light of day. Random House fears this book could be the next Satanic Verses (except hopefully not nearly as fucking boring), so they just said the hell with it. Nobody wants a fatwa these days, I guess.

I believe Random House is doing the world such a great disservice. I bet this thing would've blown up on the New York Times bestseller list, but now we will never know this story, or will we? Based on historical accounts such as Wikipedia and about half a joint I suspect it probably went something like this:

Once upon a time a beautiful Arab child was born. Her parents decided to name her after famous pop singer Brandy's character on that hit sitcom. Oh wait, that was Moesha, nevermind. Well anyway, there was this precious little girl and her evil parents decided to sell her off as a sex slave to a horny old sicko named Muhammad. This awful pedophile raped Aisha repeatedly until she finally developed Stockholm Syndrome as a means of coping with the psychological damage resulting from years of sexual abuse. One day, Aisha had finally had it, so when Muhammad came home she told him all the honey he had eaten gave him stank ass breath. This caused Muhammad to throw a big bitch fit and leave for like a month. Finally Aisha told Muhammad to stop being such a cantankerous old bastard and so he returned home and beat her unmercifully. Eventually he died. The end.

There. Now wasn't that romantic? [Wall Street Journal]

Monday, August 4, 2008

You Shouldn't Say It's Free if You're Going to Ask for Money...

Holy Hell, did you guys know it costs $76k for the neocons over at FREE Republic to keep their damn message board going? Wow, I thought they were supposed to be fiscal conservatives? It only costs me like maybe a tenspot and some change to maintain the Bureau. I just need enough to cover the box of wine and some GPCs. On the other hand, the freepers are Republican so they probably have a higher overhead for necessities like flag pins, gay hookers, blow, and hush money for the mothers of their illegitimate mulatto children.

The good news is that these patriotic freepers have raised around $70k so far for their summer "freepathon"! The bad news is that they're still $6k short and they are so desperately hungry for cash that they will say anything to get it. For example, let's take a look at one of their recent marketing things. It features the infamous cover of the New Yorker (photo above) that everyone is so fucking sick of looking at with the following ominous message:

Apparently, the New Yorker thinks that electing a pair of militant America-hating Marxist/leftist Islamic extremist revolutionaries (er, "freedom fighters") to the presidency would be a real funny joke. Ha ha! /sarc

What say you? Gonna sit there and let it happen?

Below the ad, an online donation form is conveniently located for your charitible giving pleasure. Because unless you want America to be ruled by Imam Barack and Nancy Pelosi in a burqa you must send your entire life savings to the Free Republic post haste! The courageous freepers are the only ones that can save us from the tyranny of these Communist Muslims. [Free Republic]

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Post#100: On Vanity Fair

In America there exists a terrible fashion magazine called "Vanity Fair". It is a sad rag no one ever reads unless Martha Stewart is prattling on about the homemade shanks she made while serving hard time at Camp Cupcake or if they have willowy naked gals on the cover (which they do every three months).

You can often find this fashion magazine languishing around unread in places such as vericose vein removal boutiques and sometimes at the more upscale Korean nail salons. Their most recent claim to fame was the photo of a dazed Miley Cyrus after she had been viciously date raped by Annie Liebowitz.

Now Vanity Fair is creeping people out all anew after just releasing their "International Best Dressed List". OMG this list is a Hot Fucking Mess. Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama came in second for chrissakes! And do you know why she made the list? Because of that awful purple dress she wears almost every single day, that's why!

Thankfully they didn't re-run a picture of that damn thing. Instead, they substituted with a photo of Michelle in a very pretty, flowing black number accessorized with a big necklace of opulent Janjaweed blood diamonds.

The worst part, however, was not Michelle O. and the purple dress that will not die. No, the worst part was waiting at #17 on the list: Count Manfredi Della Gherardesca (pictured above).

Let's take a look at his nice blazer, shall we? It's pink velvet with an orange floral batik pattern! Holy Jesus Christ, is that ever gay? When he's lounging around at home he likes to dance around in front of the mirror in this fancy blazer with some six inch come-fuck-me pumps and a sassy skirt with little print appliques of Richard Simmons finger-fucking himself in various positions. Because he is that gay.

Don't ever buy a Vanity Fair magazine. [ Vanity Fair ]

Monday, July 28, 2008

The Muslims are Coming!

Celebrity politican "Black Truffle" Barack Obama will be visiting the gun-clinging Pentecostals of Southwest Missouri this Wednesday to spread his message of Hope, Change, and Whatever Else to a bunch of wretched honkeys that will probably all just vote for McCain anyway.

Severely intoxicated sources reported that campaign staff and security began arriving early Saturday, but were forced to hastily change hotel accomodations after an altercation with a powerbitch neocon employee that stated "Democrats never have their shit together" and then sent them down the street to the low-budget traveler's hostel called the "Holiday Inn Express".

The Bureau learned of Obama's upcoming visit on Saturday afternoon after accidentally infiltrating a pool party of notorious liberal insiders. Unfortunately, your intrepid editor was unable to report this important scoop, due to a dizzying combination of vodka and sunshine and also because the hamsters that power the "system" have unionized and refuse to work in any sort of lame-ass Windows Vista related environment.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Michelle Obama Terrorizes Colorado

Mountain-dwelling nomads from the remote western enclave of "Denver" were graced with the presence of Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama yesterday. They were so grateful to see someone so famously famous that they even put her picture on the front of their daily tri-fold brochure called the Rocky Mountain News! Unverified sources for the bureau report that they had originally planned on running a picture of hobos standing next to their McMansion with a foreclosure notice and the headline Could We Be Headed for a Recession? But then Michelle flew in and saved the day!

Accompanying the front page photo of Michelle flouncing into a large gas-guzzling SUV was an article in the "Style Matters" section chronicling Michelle O.'s sense of style matter. It was written by two fashion ladies and I hate to say it, but one of them had a very suspiciously Mexican sounding name: Evelinda.

I don't know, this Evelinda broad seemed very surly. She called Michelle non-descript and boring, said Michelle was certainly no Condi, and worst of all she called her handsome. Didn't they call Barbara Bush handsome?

I think Evelinda may have forgotten that not long ago, during the primary season, we all had to suffer through Michelle harumphing around the country in that goddamn purple Barney dress. So anything is a step up from that. I'm just saying... [Rocky Mountain News]

Monday, July 14, 2008

Letters From the Heart

America's sweetheart, little Annie Coulter, recently penned a very nice tribute to the memory of dead racist fuckbag Jesse Helms. And boy, was it ever a tear jerker. It was almost as touching as that time Ann said all the widows of 9/11 were just a bunch of fame whores.

Ann kicked off her eulogy by calling Helms one of the Great American Patriots. She then artfully trumpeted the soft-heartedness of Helms - from the fact that he actually let black people work for him to the fact that he even let his wife keep a mentally challenged orphan as a pet.

Coulter also wanted to let all you New York Times latte-sippers know that Jesse Helms was not the repugnant bigot that his words and actions portrayed him to be, thank you very much! He was simply against "movements", that's all.

If you're not too busy washing your hair or biting your toenails, you should totally read this noteworthy piece of um, work. [ Ann Coulter ]

Here are some other interesting pieces about the Great American Patriot, Jesse Helms:

Jesse Helms Was No Hero - WSJ
The Death of Jesse Helms - Washington Note
Media Downplay Bigotry of Jesse Helms - Fair.org
What You Need to Know about Jesse Helms - Mother Jones

Saturday, July 12, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Green Party Nominates Cynthia McKinney

The environmental terrorists that comprise Ralph Nader's tragically pointless Green Party have nominated the violent police brutality advocate and former Congresswoman Cynthia "Oom-fu-fu" McKinney as their presidential candidate. This is an historic moment in U.S. political history, because it marks the first time a political party that no one cares about has nominated an African-American female. Historians will look back on this pivotal moment in American history and ask themselves: Who in the hell was Cyntia McKinney?

[CNN Election Center 2008]

They Done Throwed Our Preacher in the Clink

To: All Members of the Middleboro Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name

From: Some Religious Hillbilly

RE: Notice for funds

I just wanted to let y'all know that them damn devil police have arrested our beloved pastor, Rev. Jimmy Coots, as well as confiscated all the snakes we use to dance around the church barefoot to show our devotion to the Lord.

Them police officers have completely cleaned us out! They got all 50 copperheads, 11 timber rattlers, 1 western diamondback, 3 water mocassins, 2 cobras, and worst of all - the puff adder we call Bubba. He was my most favorite outta all of em. All in all, them sum'bitches took over one hunnerd of our snakes plus the alligator we'd been savin for the revival!

I guess they been watching us ever since those two awful sinners died after gettin bit by our Holy Serpents. We all know that was not our fault. Those people weren't livin right or they never woulda died! Next they're gonna be tellin us we can't drink strichnine no more. I thought this was America, where you could worship the Lord however you want to?

We will be passing the collection plate around twice this Sunday, so that we can bail poor Pastor Coots outta jail and then hopefully go buy some more damn snakes. So please, give all you can spare. The Lord will surely reward you for your generosity.

[Lexington Herald-Leader]

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

An Olive Branch for Clinton Supporters

Hello Fellow Americans! Are you old and white and mad as all hell because Hillary Rodham Clinton got the shaft from all those far-left liberals that voted for the Socialist African Mullah instead of sweet innocent Apple Pie Hillary?

Have you since spent your time thinking of ways to get even with the godforsaken Democratic Party by trolling lame websites like hillaryvotersformccain.com in a useless effort to take some sort of a stand? Do you enjoy leaving funny comments on pro-Hillary message boards like "I AM NOT RACIST BUT I WILL NEVER VOTE FOR BLACK PEOPLE!"? Are you a member of the fancy new Write-In Party USA ?

Well, I would like to inform you of a new website I've discovered that will still allow you to throw away your meaningless vote, but in a much more kick ass sort of way. It's called WriteInBush.com and it is the best website in the whole world ever!

There is no need to thank me, but you are welcome to do so anyway.

Monday, June 30, 2008

What's His Face's Wife Is a Total Slut

OMG, I was innocently thumbing through the internet today and I found a picture of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and his trampy whore wife. Here is the disgraceful proof:

Can you believe this mess? I mean, what kind of trollop prances around Tehran in nothing but a chador? I bet she isn't wearing any panties under that damn thing either! When is the media going to stop peddling this type of shameful smut?

[Image courtesy of hurriyet.com.tr]

Friday, June 27, 2008

Jesus, Jews, God, Gays, and Guns

Members of the Westboro Baptist Synagogue plan to accost gays before jaunting off to their summer homes in Boca Raton. [GregoryHolman.net]

Both of America's most devout Christian Senators re-introduce legislation to preserve the sanctity of drive-thru Vegas weddings and mail order Russian brides. [Southern Voice]

Oh, and Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama is pretty much a total fag-hag. [365gay.com]

The Gay Patriot is okay with killing off the Muslims, because they're all just a bunch of homophobes anyway. [Gaypatriot.net]

The best way to prevent "anti-gay violence" is by blowing the fucking heads off of those who would commit "anti-gay violence". [Log Cabin Republicans]

Well, if you didn't want your damn church all gayed up then you probably shouldn't have named it St. Joan of Arc's! [Associated Press]

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

James Dobson is a Joyless Prick

James Dobson is the founder of a very sensible group of Christian fanatics called Focus on the Family that describes itself as "dedicated to nurturing and defending families worldwide" and also promotes the genital electrocution of homosexuals as a means of curing them of their unholy craving for the buttsecks. Just for fun, they also broadcast a nice Christian radio program for the simple reason that Americans absolutely love listening to gravelly old Evangelicals barking about the Rapture on teh AM frequencies.

Dobson has often been deemed "controversial" by the mainstream media because of his constant overuse of panstick caked on his gnarled face and because everything he says is really fucking stupid. Just months ago, he made headlines when he stated that he would never vote for Old Balls McCain because McCain is a secret liberal. This is just one of the critical statements he has made that for some reason the media felt obligated to report to the world because it is so very relevant to whatever.

Yesterday, Dobson kicked off his Monday by freaking out about a speech that Martini Barack made to a group of country club elitists (Democrats) way back in the year 2006. He said he certainly doesn't appreciate Obama's "fruitcake" interpretation of the Constitution during that speech, because Obama said he didn't know if America should be governed in accordance with Al Sharpton's Black Race Riot Bible or Dobson's own Angry White Asshole Bible. Barack also implied that Baby Jesus would abolish the Department of Defense and that everything in the Old Testament is a steaming pile of racist illogical bullshit.

Now Dobson is threatening to not vote at all in the Presidential election as some sort of punishment to both political parties for not ponying up a candidate that would directly pander to him and his merry band of fucked up Jesus nutters concerned Christians and somehow this strategic non-voting action of inaction will save the world, because of God. Amen. [ NPR ]

Monday, June 23, 2008

Karl Rove Condemns Uppity Martini Negroes

Today, ol' folksy front porch swingin Karl Rove took time out of his busy day tendin to the crops to warn America about Barack HUSSEIN! Obama's elitist elitism by saying the following to a group of salt of the earth Republican insiders at the Captitol Hill Club:

“Even if you never met him, you know this guy,” Rove said of Obama, per Christianne Klein of ABC News. “He’s the guy at the country club with the beautiful date, holding a martini and a cigarette that stands against the wall and makes snide comments about everyone who passes by.”
Well heavens to Betsy! Thank goodness we have someone like Karl Rove, a patriotic draft dodger raised by a homosexual Left Coast liberal fetishist, to voice the concerns of Real White Americans™ that are way too busy eaking out a living down in the coal mines of Appalachia to make newsworthy political opinions about these hoity toity Democrats. Thank heavens we have lifelong GOP loyalists like Karl Motherfucking Rove to warn us about these snide African martini-ists!

But heck, I'll be danged if I ain't all confused now? Here I thought this Barack Obama fella was an out of touch Muslim Witch Doctor that we're s'posed to fear cuz he's gonna make all the women wear them Islamic moo-moos while overtaxing our Pabst Blue Ribbon, but now we find out he's up in the damn country club sippin on rich people liquor?!?!

My Lord, when did they start lettin these damned Coloreds up in the country club? What on earth is this godforsaken world a'comin to?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Larry Sinclair Imprisoned by Obama Operatives

Has your day been kinda sucky? That's all right, so has poor Larry Sinclair's, because he has been imprisoned forever! In Delaware for crissakes!

I hope Sinclair's jailers are aware that he requires a "special needs" diet of banana nut bread and rock hard cock in order to survive. But anyway....

It all started yesterday when this patriot Mr. Sinclair got all up in the National Press Club's face to warn America about the dangers of voting for cocaine-loving blowjob enthusiasts named Barack HUSSEIN! Obama. Meanwhile, a despicable plot was being hatched by something called a Mitch and Nan Show to silence Citizen Sinclair from spreading his salacious message of truth to the whole stupid world.

Apparently, these "paid Obama-bots" were able to have Sinclair arrested because of some obscure loophole in Delaware law that says you cannot file a stolen vehicle claim on a crappy Korean car that hasn't actually been, you know, stolen. I know, it's totally a technicality.

The Bureau of Mockery would like to extend its thanks and gratitude to these mysterious Mitch and Nanners of the Obama campaign for proving that no matter how large your fake attorney says his penis is, American Justice will always prevail! [The Mitch and Nan Show]

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Welcome to DC, You're Under Arrest

Gay extortionist Larry Sinclair went to the National Press Club and all he got was this lousy jail cell. [Reason]

Militant Detroit Islamofascists not allowed to sit behind podium at Obama rally because they weren't wearing a flag pin. [NY Times]

Republicans will have a much easier time voting for McCain if they wear this extremely clever button with a witty slogan written in Impact font. [RepublicanMarket.com]

Michelle Malkin really wishes the Associated Press would pay their goddamn bills. [Michelle Malkin]

Elderly lesbian sinners finally allowed to wed after half a century together. I think we all know it will never last. [NOW]

Friday, June 6, 2008


One thing I've learned in my tenure here at the bureau is that research and self-medicating is essential in order to be relevant as a political blogger to my half dozen loyal readers. In my noble quest for information from the cesspool of American politics I often troll the seediest of places for unique inspiration.

I've subscribed to mailing lists from Christian fanatics. I've chatted in gay porn political forums (yes there is such a thing). I've been verbally accosted by conspiracy theorists that type exclusively in capital letters. I've read Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter until I my eyes cried tears of blood. Basically, I've immersed myself in the twisted realm of political opinion until I'm about to go batshit and start writing fucked up letters to Jodi Foster.

But today I stumbled across something so entirely asinine that I nearly lost my vodka buzz. Then I said to myself: Hey, this might be decent fodder for the blog! So here it is, followed by my personal summary...

"For those who can not or will not vote for Obama or McCain there is a party that agrees with you.

Personally my vote was only for Hillary Clinton! You may have felt the same way for another candidate. We need to make it know to this two party system that they must listen to the people and not rig the media or the primary process!

I really did believe only she has the answers and has the ability to solve the many serious issues we currently face in this country.

You may feel that way about another candidate who now is not going to be on the ballot in November. Write In Party USA is the solution to your dilemma

I was filled with such hope and happiness that I FINALLY going to get to vote FOR a President and not have to settle for a protest vote like so many times before.

I promised myself I would not do a protest vote but only vote FOR President so I will be writing in Hillary Clinton’s name on my ballot and why I am a member of the Write In Party USA.

I do this not just for myself but also to show the big political Parties and the pompous press I will not reward there dishonest and down right crooked ways! It is way past time to send a message that we will not stand for this anymore!

If we swamp all states with write in votes they will have to pay attention! If the write in vote is as big or equal to the cast ballot vote they will take notice! We need to work at changing the laws in those states that don’t at least count the write in vote.

It is time we took back our country and our rights!"

Ok, let's break this down for a second:

1. There is no such thing as a Write In Party USA.

2. If you really believed Hillary was your knight-in-shining-pantsuit than you are exactly the type of sad fucktard that should just doodle some nonsensical bullshit on your little ballot anyway. Feel free to get creative!

You could simply write Hillary Clinton. You could write your mom's name as a very nice but pointless tribute. You could actually just write "your mom" and that would be funny. You could make up a goofy name like Helga McHumpfrizzle and then giggle as you left the voting booth because you are just so damned amusing.

What I'm trying to say is that pretty much anything ridiculous is up for grabs if you're really the type of pathetic asshole that thinks Hillary Fucking Clinton has/had all the answers.

3. You cannot "take back your country" with a lame write-in vote, because the nefarious secret society that runs America does not allow that sort of freeform democracy due to the fact that it is stupid. And it doesn't matter if you end your misguided rant with an exclamation point or not!

4. Well, now you've successfully made me detest Hillary Clinton whereas I was kind of on the fence about her before.

5. I guess that's about it. Thanks for your time.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Democracy Will Ruin the World

I just wanted to start with a little something about this whole Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama thing. I'm feeling very conflicted after last night when her Islamic African husband, Imam Barack, was giving his historic speech to all the liberal elitists after trouncing that horrible robot Hillary Clinton in this neverending motherfucking election. Oh wow, that Barack sure is a brilliant orator, isn't he?

But then Michelle hauled her ass up on the stage and my bitter white heart melted because OMG she looked so pretty! She had on that fucking stupid eggplant number with the big gawdy belt that she likes to stomp across the country in. Her eyeshadow matched her dress and she was smiling so demurely. It was just nice to see her radiating something other than the usual contemptuous hatred for her fellow Americans that we normally see.

So now I'm so confused. I don't know who I'm going to vote for anymore. On one hand I feel like I should just make the obvious choice and write in Cindy McCain, because she's rich and pretty and WHITE! pretty. But nobody wants John as First Lady, because he is a decrepit hateful dwarf. And I can't vote for Barack Obama (even though he seems very nice) because I don't make nearly enough money. So, I guess there's only one person left for me to vote for:

Ron Paul 2008!!!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Terrorist Chic Takes America by Storm

- Is Dennis Hastert a pre-operative transsexual? [Open Left]

- There will be no Democratic nominee until the Mayan calendar ends in 2012. [AP via NY Post]

- Gay conman Larry Sinclair terrorizes D.C. with flyers he made on his fancy new Commodore.[Larry Sinclair]

- Barack Obama has decided to leave Trinity United Church of Christ because he is Muslim. [CBS News]

- Paranoid extremist felons have taken over an estimated forty fucking percent of the state that brought us grunge rock and overpriced coffee.[Seattle Times]

- There's a very slight possibility that Keith Olbermann may have some sort of partisan liberal bias.[Media Bistro]

- Army of God does not believe in sinful abortions unless the fetus is a deviant homosexual. [Army of God]

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

John McCain Will Say Stupid Things for All Eternity

Oh hey guys! Did you know that last week while speaking to a bunch of Cuban assholes in Miami, candidato presidencial Juan McCain made an idiotic statement before hopping onto his private luxury jet, the infamous Straight Talk UltraAir-Express, to head back to his billionaire wife's expansive McMansion in the wealthiest part of the shitty Arizona hellscape to entertain all the foppish darlings of the Republican Party? And oh boy, did he ever!

Here is the very best part of Presidente McCain's glorious speech that he gave before jaunting off to his 154th Annual Sedona National GOP Rich People Circle Jerk & BBQ for the Betterment of Possible Vice-Presidential Pricks. Most of it was boring as hell, so I've clipped and highlighted the important part for your dirty Hispanic pleasure(s):

"We have made progress toward this vision by expanding the benefits of free commerce, through [the North American Free Trade Agreement], the Central American Free Trade Agreement, and our free trade agreements with Peru and Chile. But the progress has stalled; our longstanding bipartisan commitment to hemispheric prosperity is crumbling. We see this most vividly in Barack Obama’s and Hillary Clinton’s opposition to the free trade agreement with Colombia. The failure of Congress to take up and approve this agreement is a reminder why 80 percent of Americans think we are on the wrong track."

Well gee John, thanks for clearing all that up! And here all these aloof liberals have been brainwashed into thinking these low approval ratings had something to do with the unending clusterfuck of wasted time, money, and human life known as the Iraq War. Oh, and the fact that the economy is in the shitter doing an enthusiastic free fall at warp speed.

But instead Mr. McCain, thanks to you, now we know the actual reason for this Congressional disapproval is really because the average American is just yearning for a brand new motherfucking free trade agreement.

Thank you John McCain! You patriotic bastard!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Politicians: Just as Clueless as Real Americans

Certain conservative bloggers have started to notice that Barack HUSSEIN! Obama no longer has any idea what in the hell he's talking about. The other day, while in the charming hamlet of Sunrise, FL he greeted a crowd of Democrats whose crappy primary votes don't count for anything by repeatedly telling them how excited he was to be in Sunshine when the name of the stupid town is actually Sunrise. OMG he must've been really embarassed because then he called them all ugly cunts and laughed before running off the stage screaming Allahu Akbar and some other Muslim nonsense. Ha ha, just kidding.

Here are some other Obama gaffes that I really don't feel like talking about.

Seriously though, I think people need to just lay off Barry! He's been sleepy as all hell because every single night at 3am a phone in the White House rings and he must answer it before Hillary does or she will send Sirhan Sirhan to murder him and then she will become President! They inexplicably repeat this strange ritual every night even though Laura Bush is starting to get real sick of these two showing up in the middle of the night to use the phone.

But what about John McCain, huh? Surely that old bastard is off saying something crazy, so why isn't the blogosphere talking about that huh? Oh nevermind, McCain's not doing anything at all. He's got the goddamn Straight Talk Express parked in the driveway of his wife's sprawling Sedona mega-estate, all shacked up in the hot tub with Lindsey Graham while poor Cindy's pilled out in the house wishing John would just leave so the verbal abuse would stop.

I guess these gaffes really don't matter anyway since we've twice elected a man that speaks only in stuttering gaffes. But it's not nice to mention that because he suffers from a medical condition called George Bush, Jr. that causes his brain to be so rudimentary that it will never be capable of formulating a single thought that isn't completely incorrect on multiple levels.

Matt Sanchez Throws a Big Gay Bitchfit

Mexican gay porn sensation Matt Sanchez, who appeared in titles such as Touched by an Anal and Beat-off Frenzy, spent most of his early adult years pounding the daylights out of other men with his gigantic chorizo in very low budget adult films. He did this over and over until one day he realized he could make money by going on television and making nonsensical statements as an ill-tempered conservative pundit just like his idol Ann Coulter who also used to moonlight in the adult industry under the moniker "John Holmes".

So, it was no surprise when this former gay-for-pay Matt Sanchez lashed out at Barack HUSSEIN! Obama today in an op-ed piece for something called a "World Net Daily", because of Obama's notoriously tolerant approach to these immoral gays and their constant whining about equal rights.

First of all, Mr. Sanchez doesn't appreciate Barack Obama just stomping in and legalizing gay marriage in California, because almost 60% of the Hollywood Liberals there do not even believe in that sort of thing. Matt says it is completely ludicrous to think two men could even have a monogamous relationship because out of all the tens of thousands of men that have paid him for sex, not a single one of them has ever asked for his hand in marriage.

Lastly, Sanchez opines that if Obama is elected President we are going to become the laughing stock of the whole world (even in Moldova?) because he plans to repeal "don't ask, don't tell" which will automatically turn the entire U.S. Armed Forces into a bunch of bitchy queens prancing around all giddy while in uniform. Which is exactly what the gay agenda wants!

Monday, May 26, 2008

BREAKING NEWS: Republicans Are Sneaky

I just wanted to let everybody know that I was reading Daily Kos today and those people are just about fed up with John McCain and his shady 527 PAC bullshit! The angry liberals at D-Kos are so damn sick of McCain's "flat out lying" when it comes to running an ethical campaign.

He may have kept his hands clean but his sinister neo-con friends have picked up the slack for him by running a terribly misleading ad featuring an Iraq War veteran who just wanted to meet his favorite black Muslim Senator but Barack HUSSEIN! Obama said no he would never meet with this bitter veteran because he was too busy training terrorists down at the local madrassa.

So guess who's behind these senselessly offensive attack ads? Well, first off it's Joe Fucking Lieberman who happens to be the Senator of all 600+ people in Connecticut! I don't know very much about Lieberman and I could only find one picture of him on Google Images. The other results that came up were just strange photos of some old Jewish looking Sharpei creature/thing with a very smug expression. I don't know what's up with that?

The other "man" behind this horrendous smear is the flamboyant dandy of South Carolina Republicans, indescribably effeminate Senator Lindsey Graham, who is actually gayer than anything you could ever imagine. Gayer than Richard Simmons in a pink bedazzled unitard singing showtunes while giving handjobs to leather daddies on a gay pride float in the Castro.

Well, I guess that's about it. Oh yeah, here's the link to Daily Kos.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Hillary Apologizes for Obama Assassination Plot

The evil robot known as Hillary Rodham Clinton was criticized Friday after a system error caused her to accidentally tell all seventeen of her elderly white supporters in South Dakota that she was going to murder Barack HUSSEIN! Obama the same way she murdered Bobby Kennedy back in '68!

Obama aides were quick to both denounce and reject the statement given this maniacal robot named Hillary Clinton's long history of pushing people out of windows or shooting them at point blank range and saying it was just an innocent little suicide.

This is not the first time Hillary's central processing unit has gotten her into trouble. In March, Clinton made headlines when she claimed she had dodged sniper fire in some country called Bosnia that we invaded back in the 90's. It was later discovered that it was actually the comedian Sinbad they had been shooting at, because his type of comedy is absolutely unbearable. Clinton attributed the gaffe to a "lack of sleep" which is robot street slang for needing to be defragged and rebooted.

So far, Obama himself has not responded to the comments because he knows in November he will become President of GOD DAMN AMERIKKKA and Hillary will have nothing but a crappy Senate seat and a bunch of ugly pantsuits. She will cry every day because Bill makes more money then her as the spokesperson for the National Rosacea Society. The tears will cause her to rust and then all her mechanisms will seize up and she will cease to exist. I know it seems sad, but all things must come to an end....just like this blog entry!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Oh Hey, Speaking of First Ladies...

You know, being the wife of some asshole that could be President must be so incredibly trying that one might assume these ladies require a small army of Mexican assistants (and Vicodin) just to make it through the daily grind? Well, of course they do! Let's discuss this further, shall we? We'll start with our favorite.

Mrs. Cynthia Hensley McCain has to precariously juggle being blonde, pretty, a businesswoman, and an heiress, all while riding around on that stupid goddamn Straight Talk Express with her gnarled old husband. No wonder she needs all those pills to keep up with such a hectic schedule! Ugh, and we can't forget that dowdy hausfrau, ol' what's-her-face Obama, toiling away at whatever the hell it is that she does all damn day.

But what specific things have these First Women of the Politcal Elite been up to lately? Well, I'm so glad that you asked! Let's take a look, eh?

• Cindy McCain has decided to sell off her half of Sudan because those people just cannot seem to get it together and turn a profit.
-[Associated Press]-
• The NY Times is talking about Cindy's opulent castles filled with money because they are jealous, hateful liberals.
-[NY Times]-
• Cindy McCain is part of a nefarious secret society that for some dumbass reason or another plans to take over the whole world!
• Yesterday, Barack told Tennessee they need to just STFU about Michelle even though she is an insufferably detestable woman.
-[ABC News]-
• There is absolutely no other news about Michelle HUSSEIN! Obama that is in any way relevant to anything! Ever!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

America, We Need to Have a Serious Discussion

We've all been bombarded with this media attention on the upcoming election, the war, the economy, and all the rest of it. But why is the media not reporting on the most crucial aspect of this election: which potential First Lady would we like better?

I think we all know it is not Michelle HUSSEIN Obama! Michelle Obama has toured the country extensively to browbeat middle class white people, telling them how unpatriotically ashamed she is and then barking her angry racist hate speech at them because GOD DAMN AMERIKKKA! She is a cruel and sadistic woman. Does America really want to see Michelle as First Lady flying off into one of her tirades in front of a bunch of foreign dignitaries? That question was kind of rhetorical, but I think we all know the answer is obviously yes no.

On the other hand, you have the lovely Mrs. Cindy McCain who has First Lady written all over her fantastically painted face and OMG she also co-hosted The View! Plus, after years of coping with John's verbal abuse she woefully turned to the pain pills. Yeah I know, who doesn't right? I like mine with a big bottle glass of wine! Anywho...Cindy McCain is rich and pretty and heavily medicated. If that's not a goddamn testament to the American Dream then I don't know what is.

So please America, this election don't vote Republican or Democrat or any of those other nonsensical third parties that make it on the ballot. Vote for who looks the best. Vote for who looks the best for America. Vote Cindy McCain in 2008!