Monday, September 10, 2007

Iraq? Oh, It's a Blast!!

An optimistic General Petraeus said today that things were just fucking fabulous in sunny Iraq. Sure there's still some bloodshed and the slight risk of everything imploding in a shitstorm of bullets and body parts, BUT... it's way better than it was. In fact, we might be able to let a couple of soldiers come home soon, or around Christmastime, or maybe next summer, or perhaps a little further down the road than that....but soon nevertheless. We still can't set a timetable for withdrawal and run the risk of "emboldening" our enemy...obviously.

Here are just a few of the things that the US has done to improve things in Iraq since annointing General Petraeus:

  • Stopped reporting how many hours a day that Baghdad is without power

  • No longer recording casualties resulting from car bombs

  • Only reporting casualties if they were shot from behind in sectarian violence statistics

  • Created "peace" in Anbar, Ramadi, etc. by arming the hell out of Sunni militias

  • Established so much breathing room for political gains that the Iraqi government took a whole month off to relax

Republicans and general warmongers are pleased as punch that Petraeus had such an enthusiastic report. Plus this is a bitchslap to the fiz-ace for all those anti-war pussies that hate the troops and want us to lose the war. Petraeus has turned the miserable wasteland of Iraq into the new Disneyland....a bloody, gorey, nightmarish, Muslim Disneyland. I mean, so what if they don't have the "teacups" ride. Soon you'll be able to whimsically cruise down the scenic Euphrates while riding atop one the many floating corpses still being dumped there on a regular basis.

General Petraeus would also like to remind the American people that although he's a puppet of the Bush administration, the White House had absolutely no influence whatsoever on his reporting.

Ambassador Ryan Crocker also said some shit that nobody really listened to.

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