Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A Synopsis of Remaining Repugs

I guess maybe I should have written some shit about Super Tuesday, but I purposely tuned it out and not just because I've been on a week long binge of red wine and Xanax!

Once it comes to the point where every other channel I flip to is election related, I just turn the other cheek and hit the bottle, because ultimately I feel like the corporate media has a stranglehold on what our perception of the candidates is going to be anyway. In the spirit of that last sentence, I'm going to provide my completely irrelevant analysis of each of the remaining Republican candidates.

Mike Huckabee - Some redneck that makes jokes and talks all Jesusey, but he let a very, very brown rapist out of prision so he could rape and murder some more. Bummer! Sadly, the white conservative electorate frowns upon non-white rapist murderers, especially when they're not imprisoned. Oh, and Huckabee's son killed a dog, most likely out of frustration stemming from the fact that he's so visibly motherfucking repulsive no woman would ever touch him. So don't vote for Huckabee unless you're a Christian sadist into animal cruelty and rape!

John McCain - McCain rose to prominence after being imprisoned and tortured by the Redcoats during the American Colonial Revolution. He's currently the Republican frontrunner, which has drawn the ire of true conservatives due to the fact that he wants to use his magical puffy cheeks to turn America into the United States of Amenesty for Welfare Mexicans. On a side note, he is also the oldest living albino in the entire world!

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has raised a shitload of money from middle aged white guys that live in their mom's basement and spend all day taking antipsychotics while listening to Alex Jones. Surprisingly, money doesn't translate in to real world results, which is sort of ironic considering this is America. Ultimately, Ron Paul failed to gain support, because mainstream Americans are way too fucking stupid to comprehend anything that he's ranting about.

Mitt Romney - A well coiffed member of the Mormon Cult. Romney has maintained a somewhat strong presence in part by pumping millions of his own personal fortune into his campaign. Part of Romney's popularity is due to the fact that he agrees with both sides of every issue depending on where and who he's speaking to, but lately seems to have lost momentum becaused Republicans are hesitant to vote for a Masonic cultist that wears strange underwear. Also, Mitt Romney was recently voted the most dislikeable candidate, because America hates creepy fucking Mormons.

All right, that's it for now, I may write about the Democrats later, if I'm not too wasted or haven't been mysteriously killed by member of the Clinton Crime Syndicate.

1 comment:

Hipple, Rev. Paul T. said...

You forgot Rep. Tom Tancredo