Well, in my absence I see we've added a Christian Correspondent. How fucking wonderful! Anywho...I was planning to write something about the boo-hoo fest on CNN, Heroes, but every time I watched it I cried (and then I drank), so instead I decided to write about some bloviated rich dickheads, which is more fun anyway. So, here we go...
- Alan Keyes - Former Ambassador of Cuh-razy/2008 Candidate: Alan seriously, stop berating America! Take a look at his campaign website. Yeah, not only does he want you to vote for the nerdy black version of Hitler, he also wants you to sign a contract that you'll recruit five people and that you'll spot him five bucks for some "seed money"...Alan, I don't even want to know what "seed money" means to a Republican these days.
- Al Gore - Former Vice President/Current Enviro-Fatass: Yes Al, we've all heard about the global warmings and what not. Must you constantly browbeat Americans about our energy use and our goddamned carbon footprint? Al, in all seriousness, we'll change our fucking light bulbs when we feel like it, okay! Can't you just go back to eating Yangtze River Dolpin or whatever endangered species of the month it is that you're stuffing in your big bossy piehole. And Al, stop dipping it in ranch dressing.
- Joe Lieberman – Senator/ Jewish Sharpei: Joe “Let’s Protect America by Killing the Whole Fucking World” Lieberman used to be a Democrat until he fell head over heels in love with the sweet and fanciful War on Terror! So now he's an independent, whatever the hell that means. Anyway, he’s decided to endorse Walnuts “I Am Friggin Broke and Busted as All Hell” McCain. Yeah, so now everybody out there that hates all the terrorists, but still loves the festive Home Depot Salsa Mexicans are totally gonna vote for Walnuts. Yay! That means cheap labor from all the brown people and a bunch of really pissed off rednecks. Sounds like a win-win to me!