Wednesday, July 11, 2007

GOP: God's Own Perverts

I'm a little surprised that it's still newsworthy when a Republican gets caught up in a sex scandal these days. I'll admit though, it's such a sweet indulgence to watch their pompous fall from grace...

Earlier this week, Sen. David Vitter (R-LA), golden boy of the family values twat-waffles, was exposed for having multiple sexual encounters with prostitutes in both New Orleans and D.C.

What? A right wing hypocrite? But wait... it gets better!

Today, Florida State Senator Bob Allen, a married Republican, was arrested after soliciting an undercover male officer for oral sex in a park restroom. Apparently, the authorities noticed the Senator cruising the restroom, so one of the officers followed him inside. The Senator then offered the cop $20 to let him perform oral sex on him. It seems that "Bob" really lives to up his name.

I think the Republican Party could save its overworked aides a lot of headaches and writing cramps by just drafting an official prodedure and general press release that can be easily customized for future GOP sex scandals. Something like this maybe....

  • Step 1. Appear at press conference with solemn face
  • Step 2. Stand close to whitebread family and American flag
  • Step 3. Read the following statement
My Fellow Americans,

I, Senator/Representative [insert name here], stand before you today because I have committed a terrible sin involving [watered down details here].

After much prayer and counsel, I have came to the decision to [resign? lie? blame the media?]. I deeply regret the pain that I have caused my family and America and have prayed [endlessly? continuously? perpetually? ceaselessly?].

In time, I hope you can find it in your heart to both forgive and re-elect me... God. God. Wife. Children. Jesus. War on Terror. The Bible. Radical Islam. America. September 11th. Sanctity of Marriage. Liberals. Satan. Islamo-fasists. Family Values. Osama bin Laden. Church. U.S.A. God. God. God.

****7-17-07 UPDATE**** Senator Vitter must've read my blog and liked my here

1 comment:

Crystal Clear said...

That was brilliantly writtent and incredibly humours. Loved it!