Barack O'bama: Muslim Leprechaun?

Today, on America's fifth most beloved drunken holiday some shocking revelations came to light about our favorite Kenyan Wahabi Presidential Candidate, Barack McHussein O'bama. IT TURNS OUT HE'S A GODDAMN LEPRECHAUN!

It seems Barack O'bama is racking up quite a few notorious titles as of late: Christian Hater of the Whiteys, Somali Witch Doctor, Closet Muslim, and now Magical Irish Leprechaun! I don't even know how someone could find the time to earn all these titles, but kudos to Barry O. for obviously being a master of multi-tasking.

On a positive note, some are saying this leprechaun story may actually give Barry a boost in the polls since it will likely lure Ron Paul supporters. This is because Paul supporters strongly oppose evil fiat money. And I think we all know that leprechauns are some of the few remaining advocates of the stupid ass gold standard...

Terrorists Seek Party Planners in Anticipation of Obama Victory

One of Iowa's most prominent cornhole State Senators, Republican Steve King, said if Obama is elected president that Muslim terrorists will throw a big party because he's a Kenyan Wahabi Imam and his middle name is HUSSEIN!

This totally innocent little comment has been dubbed inappropriate since state level Iowa politicians are often so influential with regard to Mideast politics. I don't understand why the mean old liberal media is making a pariah of poor Sen. King for merely insinuating that Obama is who evil terrorists would vote for. What's the harm in saying that?

Plus, Iowans are experts on large celebrations like the ones Sen. King said will happen if Obama becomes president, because every year the Iowans throw a drunken festival to honor their ancient pagan Corn Gods. They dance around like a bunch of epileptic honkeys, have sex with a few animals, and then they eat real live babies! You guys, that's a true story! It may sound barbaric, but they've been peforming those primitive rituals since Iowa was first settled way back in the early seventies.

For the full story please visit the Spencer Daily Reporter

The Entire Life Story of President Cynthia McKinney

Hey guys, guess what? U.S. President-elect McKinney has released the world's longest movie ever. It's thirty-three hours and sixteen minutes long! She tells the whole story in excruciating detail of how she pretty much singlehandedly invented the American civil rights movement. We also find out that she turned Bayard Rustin gay before rising to power to become America's first black, female, third party President. At the end she strangles herself with an American flag scarf! It's tragic and uplifting all at the same time. This video is the most important motion fucking picture in the entire history of humankind! Long live the Green Party and whatever it is those people stand for.

Betty Butterfield Endorses Ron Paul

Black People Hate Al Sharpton Too

Today, a communist propaganda leaflet called "New York Times" reported that Charles Barkley will finally run for governor of the dentally-challenged Alabama Commonwealth. Hooray!

He also stated that he would not seek endorsements from Jesse "I hate Himeytown Jews" Jackson or Rev. Al "motherfucking race riot" Sharpton. Barkley explained his lack of pandering by saying he "doesn't believe in them" which I'm assuming is either because they're pompous black assholes or maybe he just doesn't like trolling for media whore endorsements. Hey, I'm just speculating.

I'm also going to assume that Mr. Barkley is planning to run on some strange third party ticket, because he said, "Sometimes the race card is needed but not in every situation. We have to hold blacks more accountable for their actions". Wha??? Such a bold statement is not something a Democrat would say, because well, we all know who they pander to for votes whereas Republicans are whitebread KKK racists that don't allow non-whites in their big gay! gay! GAYYY!!! tent.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. I actually didn't know that Alabama was able to afford a governor. Is it Charles Barkley that Frank Caliendo is impersonating in that one commercial where he says "turrible knucklehead"? And don't even get me started on Alabama! My Xanax is kicking in...

A Synopsis of Remaining Repugs

I guess maybe I should have written some shit about Super Tuesday, but I purposely tuned it out and not just because I've been on a week long binge of red wine and Xanax!

Once it comes to the point where every other channel I flip to is election related, I just turn the other cheek and hit the bottle, because ultimately I feel like the corporate media has a stranglehold on what our perception of the candidates is going to be anyway. In the spirit of that last sentence, I'm going to provide my completely irrelevant analysis of each of the remaining Republican candidates.

Mike Huckabee - Some redneck that makes jokes and talks all Jesusey, but he let a very, very brown rapist out of prision so he could rape and murder some more. Bummer! Sadly, the white conservative electorate frowns upon non-white rapist murderers, especially when they're not imprisoned. Oh, and Huckabee's son killed a dog, most likely out of frustration stemming from the fact that he's so visibly motherfucking repulsive no woman would ever touch him. So don't vote for Huckabee unless you're a Christian sadist into animal cruelty and rape!

John McCain - McCain rose to prominence after being imprisoned and tortured by the Redcoats during the American Colonial Revolution. He's currently the Republican frontrunner, which has drawn the ire of true conservatives due to the fact that he wants to use his magical puffy cheeks to turn America into the United States of Amenesty for Welfare Mexicans. On a side note, he is also the oldest living albino in the entire world!

Ron Paul - Ron Paul has raised a shitload of money from middle aged white guys that live in their mom's basement and spend all day taking antipsychotics while listening to Alex Jones. Surprisingly, money doesn't translate in to real world results, which is sort of ironic considering this is America. Ultimately, Ron Paul failed to gain support, because mainstream Americans are way too fucking stupid to comprehend anything that he's ranting about.

Mitt Romney - A well coiffed member of the Mormon Cult. Romney has maintained a somewhat strong presence in part by pumping millions of his own personal fortune into his campaign. Part of Romney's popularity is due to the fact that he agrees with both sides of every issue depending on where and who he's speaking to, but lately seems to have lost momentum becaused Republicans are hesitant to vote for a Masonic cultist that wears strange underwear. Also, Mitt Romney was recently voted the most dislikeable candidate, because America hates creepy fucking Mormons.

All right, that's it for now, I may write about the Democrats later, if I'm not too wasted or haven't been mysteriously killed by member of the Clinton Crime Syndicate.

Hey Lady, Look at My Weiner!

Today, Colorado State Rep. Michael Garcia resigned after an unnamed lobbyist accused Garcia of propositioning her at a fundraiser by pulling out "Lil Mikey" and saying, "Wouldn't this look good inside you?". Priceless!

The lobbyist also said, "He just walked around the pool table and unzipped his pants and pulled everything out" Ha! Ha! Ha! And here I thought Republicans were the only ones victimizing citizens with their little dicks.

Well anyway, I guess the mean, frigid lobbyist shrew decided it actually wasn't all that tempting because instead of taking him up on his offer she filed a formal complaint. She said that she felt compelled to file the complaint after learning that Garcia had at least "four similar allegations over the last seven years".

Four similar allegations? Seriously? Now, I'm certainly not a scientist, but how many motherfucking times do you really have to horrify women with the sight of your obviously unimpressive prick before a moment of clarity kicks in and you start to realize that maybe, just maybe, you're the only one interested in looking at it? Hey, you know, I'm just saying...[Denver Post]

US Attorney General Ponders Subtle Nuances of Torture

Today Attorney General Michael Mukasey, that guy George Bush said we should pay to tell us about all the legally stuff nobody understands, said that he has no idea if waterboarding is torture or not.

And guess what? He doesn't know if waterboarding is torture because it's totally not an easy question to answer. He said he has to review all the memos and then he'll let us know.

In his defense, waterboarding is an immensely tricky issue. I mean, just because the people we do it to may "technically" feel like they're dying a water-filled CIA nightmare death doesn't necessarily constitute official American sanctioned "torture"...per se.

I decided to consult waterboarding expert Megan Carpentier, who said that waterboarding was NOT officially torture, but then went on to say that it actually really was. And I was so totally high at the time that I got all confusey while reading her email :(

BUT ANYWAY! If you're wildly intelligent like Mukasey then you all ready know the best way to test the validity of something is not by witnessing it firshand but by instead reviewing third person accounts written up in sterile, emotionless memos. Obviously.

This is definitely why we pay the government to do complex things that, you know, the average ignorant citizen has absolutely no fucking grasp of. Therefore, waterboarding is? not? torture? [AP via Yahoo]

So, About that New Job at the Bureau of Mockery

So, this is my last post here at the bureau. I could go all Megan about it, but I’m not that prideful and it just happened today so I haven’t thought it through that much.

I’ll still be publishing the bi-weekly Alabama Christian Homemaker's Journal, so be sure to read it for tasty casserole recipes, non-vulgar love advice, and tips on remaining sinless in a world filled with debauchery.

I would like to say, though, that I appreciate those of you who have been reading, although I suspect that most of you will spend your eternity drunk and fornicating while you roast in Hell.

In any case, my eyes are about to start watering like a Virgin Mary statue in a third world country, so I’m going to stop now. It’s been nothing short of dreadful working for you guys.

I CAN HAS ECONOMIC STIMULUS?

Well, what a great Thursday it's turning out to be! Today the government said they're planning to give back some of the money they've been stealing from us! Woo Hoo!

They were so generous that they're even going to give money to all the lazy poor people that are way too busy cranking out welfare babies to actually get jobs. Thanks Nancy! You and George certainly are givers.

I am so excited about all this. When my rebate check gets here in probably like mid-July I'll have almost enough money to pay for my bankrupcy lawyer! Wow, America really is the land of opportunity.