Claire McCaskill Tells Greedy CEOs to Suck a Fat Nut

Yesterday, a very out of touch and illogical Sen. Claire McCaskill introduced legislation to cap executive salaries at $400k for any companies receiving federal bailout funds. Jesus Christ, Claire, what are you thinking? Only $400k? A year? This is unconscionable. How do you expect Park Avenue Aristocracy to survive on a measly-ass $400k? That won't even cover the monthly payments on their villa in St. Barts!

If this wreckless legislation passes it will have a devastating and widespread effect on the American economy. Korean dry cleaners will go out of business. Bentleys will be repossessed. Three star Michelin restaurants will be forced to close. Manhattan will literally devolve into a tent city filled with nothing but rats, lepers, and Rudy Giuliani!!!

Please send Sen. McCaskill an urgent email asking her to abandon this senseless legislation. Let her know that this is America and we won't stand for a government that victimizes innocent multi-millionaires just because they accidentally ran an entire corporation into the ground.

[The Hindu]

Speaker of the House Politely Tells Media to Eat Shit and Die

Here is a clip of our beloved Nancy answering the media's flippant questions while standing in front of four American flags and one strange flag from Barack Obama's homeland, the Islamic Republic of Hawaii.

Nancy Pelosi Saved America and Some Other Stuff Too!

- Today the House passed a fun little $819,000,000,000,000,000,000 economic stimulus package that includes hefty provisions for AmTrak and the National Endowment for the Arts, because once we all get cushy green collar jobs everyone will saunter across America via luxury club car in search of priceless works of art.
[AP]

- Las Vegas Liberals are forcing schoolchildren to pray to their pagan god, President Barack Hussein Obama.
[J.A.M.E.S.]

- Rush Limbaugh smugly caressed his pendulous man-breasts as Rep. Phil Gingrey apologized for not following the unspoken guidelines of partisan hackery.
[Think Progress]

- The California Supreme Court said it's perfectly fine to expel lesbians from religious schools because all dykes go to hell!
[SF Chronicle]

Joe the Plumber is the New Christiane Amanpour or Something!

The conservative media outlet that gave us Michelle Malkin and the Gay Patriot decided that it would be a terrific idea to send Joe the Plumber to Israel as some sort of international correspondent, because why fucking not?

The true gems of Joe's "reporting" are when he refers to the Israelis as "Israel People" and then he goes off on some foolish tangent about the good old days of war when "journalism" was nothing more than government propaganda issued by the Office of War Information and only available on a 16mm reel down at the local cineplex. What?

Please watch this clip in its entirety and then donate the bulk of your life savings to Joe's patriotic charity website, SecureOurDream.com

A Holiday Assortment of Various Tragedies

- College will turn your sweet little princess into a raging bulldyke [Townhall]

- Cynthia McKinney's pirate ship, the SS Moonbat, was viciously attacked by Jews [Michelle Malkin]

- Blago's Senate pick has built himself an opulent death palace, because black people are very haughty. [Wonkette]

- Why won't Barack Obama stop golfing and restore world peace? [Daily Mail]

- Dr. Freeper McWingnut wrote some dumb book about crazy liberals [WorldNetDaily]

Brave President Narrowly Dodges Islamic Terrorist Attack

Today an Iraqi insurgent committed a heinous Richard Reid-style shoe assault against Our Heroic President, George W. Bush, Jr. Also, Dana Perino was brutally punched in the eye with a microphone, just because.

Would You Like to Eat Your Bacon Cheese Fries Off of Barack Obama's Face?

Everyone in Real America knows that the best way to celebrate the inauguration of a new President is with commemorative plates. This is a long standing tradition among white people here in the States, because of its vast array of multiple uses.

A commemorative plate is sheer magic. You can proudly display it as "art" on the wall of your mobile home. You could use it to hold a serving of your favorite Hamburger Helper. Also for snorting lines of cocaine. If you're an angry wingnut or one of those raving Hilltards could hang it at eye level and yell racist obscenities at it all day long as a way of coping with all of your issues. Most importantly, it is a very nice compliment to a Precious Moments figurine collection or any other heap of swap meet bullshit that you may have strewn about your wonderful place of residence.

As you can plainly see, one could create an entire website dedicated to the myriad of uses for the miracle known as collectible dinnerware. But seriously people, if you want one of these damn Barry O. plates you'd better order now! Supplies are limited to two per customer due to the extremely high demand from folks looking for anything with a picture of America's first Quadroon Sunni King, so that they can peddle it over at E-bay for a profit. [VictoryPlate.com]

Former "Toonces the Driving Cat" Actress Issues Ominous Warning Against Nightmarish Obama Dystopia

International mega-celebrity Victoria Jackson, whose theatrical accomplishments include the critically acclaimed 1988 box office hit Casual Sex and also Celebrity Fit Club, took to the airwaves of America's most "fair" and "balanced" cable news network to issue a dire warning against electing Barack Hussein Marx Guevara Lenin Mao Stalin Obama. This patriot, Ms. Jackson, courageously called Obama a communist, because she has read George Orwell's novel 1984 twice. She also compared Obama to Fidel Castro and "the guy in China", Jackie Chan.

West Plains and Some Other Things

Oh gawd, more news from the wretched hellscape of West Plains! This time some fancy racist in a suit and glasses committed battery against an innocent brown liberal. I suspect this bully was actually a Democratic plant, possibly an elitist from Manhattan, because people in West Plains do not own "suits". They don't even sell "suits" down at the West Plains Supercenter.

The citizens of West Plains are relegated to nothing but overalls, sweat/stretch pants, or ill fitting Rustler jeans. These are their only options. They also don't wear highfalutin city glasses. That's right, if you live in West Plains and your eyesight sucks then you have to go out to the woodshed and make your own crappy handheld monocle out of an old pickle jar and a wire hanger. If that doesn't work then you're just supposed to squint, like a real American! [Springfield News-Leader]

Also, here is my brand new favorite website, because it doesn't require you to fuss over specific news topics for longer than about 45 seconds. [The Daily Beast]

And please bitch, check the slideshow. You know Sarah Palin looks good, so fuck all y'all. [Huffington Post]

Drinking for the Betterment of America

I hope these two selfish candidates realize that America will be missing the Project Runway finale to watch them argue for an hour and a half. Tonight is supposedly about "domestic policy", but we all know they're just going to bitch at each other about the bailout and the surge, like always.

So, since tonight is the last night that we can use a Presidential Debate as a valid excuse for getting shitfaced, let's play a fun drinking game, eh?

Every time Barack Obama says "change", haughtily sip Tête de Cuvée from a crystal flute and then look down on everyone in the room with obvious disdain.

Every time John McCain says the surge worked, chug a beer and then ransack your neighbors house and demand that they hand over their weapons of mass destruction.

Every time Barack Obama denies something from his shady past, put on a burqa and then do a shot of something dark and exotic while reciting violent passages from the Quran.

Every time John McCain calls himself a maverick, drink something that has fermented in a barrel for about two hundred years until it turned into sour old vinegar. Then storm out of the room in a fit of rage.