A Holiday Assortment of Various Tragedies

- College will turn your sweet little princess into a raging bulldyke [Townhall]

- Cynthia McKinney's pirate ship, the SS Moonbat, was viciously attacked by Jews [Michelle Malkin]

- Blago's Senate pick has built himself an opulent death palace, because black people are very haughty. [Wonkette]

- Why won't Barack Obama stop golfing and restore world peace? [Daily Mail]

- Dr. Freeper McWingnut wrote some dumb book about crazy liberals [WorldNetDaily]

Brave President Narrowly Dodges Islamic Terrorist Attack

Today an Iraqi insurgent committed a heinous Richard Reid-style shoe assault against Our Heroic President, George W. Bush, Jr. Also, Dana Perino was brutally punched in the eye with a microphone, just because.

Would You Like to Eat Your Bacon Cheese Fries Off of Barack Obama's Face?

Everyone in Real America knows that the best way to celebrate the inauguration of a new President is with commemorative plates. This is a long standing tradition among white people here in the States, because of its vast array of multiple uses.

A commemorative plate is sheer magic. You can proudly display it as "art" on the wall of your mobile home. You could use it to hold a serving of your favorite Hamburger Helper. Also for snorting lines of cocaine. If you're an angry wingnut or one of those raving Hilltards could hang it at eye level and yell racist obscenities at it all day long as a way of coping with all of your issues. Most importantly, it is a very nice compliment to a Precious Moments figurine collection or any other heap of swap meet bullshit that you may have strewn about your wonderful place of residence.

As you can plainly see, one could create an entire website dedicated to the myriad of uses for the miracle known as collectible dinnerware. But seriously people, if you want one of these damn Barry O. plates you'd better order now! Supplies are limited to two per customer due to the extremely high demand from folks looking for anything with a picture of America's first Quadroon Sunni King, so that they can peddle it over at E-bay for a profit. [VictoryPlate.com]

Former "Toonces the Driving Cat" Actress Issues Ominous Warning Against Nightmarish Obama Dystopia

International mega-celebrity Victoria Jackson, whose theatrical accomplishments include the critically acclaimed 1988 box office hit Casual Sex and also Celebrity Fit Club, took to the airwaves of America's most "fair" and "balanced" cable news network to issue a dire warning against electing Barack Hussein Marx Guevara Lenin Mao Stalin Obama. This patriot, Ms. Jackson, courageously called Obama a communist, because she has read George Orwell's novel 1984 twice. She also compared Obama to Fidel Castro and "the guy in China", Jackie Chan.

West Plains and Some Other Things

Oh gawd, more news from the wretched hellscape of West Plains! This time some fancy racist in a suit and glasses committed battery against an innocent brown liberal. I suspect this bully was actually a Democratic plant, possibly an elitist from Manhattan, because people in West Plains do not own "suits". They don't even sell "suits" down at the West Plains Supercenter.

The citizens of West Plains are relegated to nothing but overalls, sweat/stretch pants, or ill fitting Rustler jeans. These are their only options. They also don't wear highfalutin city glasses. That's right, if you live in West Plains and your eyesight sucks then you have to go out to the woodshed and make your own crappy handheld monocle out of an old pickle jar and a wire hanger. If that doesn't work then you're just supposed to squint, like a real American! [Springfield News-Leader]

Also, here is my brand new favorite website, because it doesn't require you to fuss over specific news topics for longer than about 45 seconds. [The Daily Beast]

And please bitch, check the slideshow. You know Sarah Palin looks good, so fuck all y'all. [Huffington Post]

Drinking for the Betterment of America

I hope these two selfish candidates realize that America will be missing the Project Runway finale to watch them argue for an hour and a half. Tonight is supposedly about "domestic policy", but we all know they're just going to bitch at each other about the bailout and the surge, like always.

So, since tonight is the last night that we can use a Presidential Debate as a valid excuse for getting shitfaced, let's play a fun drinking game, eh?

Every time Barack Obama says "change", haughtily sip Tête de Cuvée from a crystal flute and then look down on everyone in the room with obvious disdain.

Every time John McCain says the surge worked, chug a beer and then ransack your neighbors house and demand that they hand over their weapons of mass destruction.

Every time Barack Obama denies something from his shady past, put on a burqa and then do a shot of something dark and exotic while reciting violent passages from the Quran.

Every time John McCain calls himself a maverick, drink something that has fermented in a barrel for about two hundred years until it turned into sour old vinegar. Then storm out of the room in a fit of rage.

West Plains Says NO to the Hussein

Hey, check out this neat anti-Obama billboard from West Plains, Missouri. IMHO, I think the artist definitely captured Barry's radiant smile!

West Plains is mostly famous for being the hometown of something called a Porter Wagoner, but it is also the epicenter of highbrow intellectualism in America. I'm just kidding, that place is actually a total shithole infested with hideous white trash.

There is nothing in West Plains except a Wal-Mart Supercenter, a dilapidated mobile home park, a pawnshop/title loan company, and like 400 Pentecostal churches. Whatever you do, don't ever go to West Plains (especially if you're brown...or Muslim...or gay...or a WHORE!).[Springfield News-Leader]

Image from West Plains Daily Quill

Let Them Eat Pork

At the behest of the House of Lords and King George II, the House of Commons today passed legislation to handover $700 billion for Lord Paulson of Fuckery to use in whatever manner he sees fit.

In addition to Paulson's humble stipend, the House also bequeathed over $100 billion in crucial taxbreaks for Puerto Rican rum makers, toy arrow makers, and movie producers, just to name a few.

So hey, when we're all living in tent cities next week, be sure to produce a nice Hollywood blockbuster or whittle some sticks into toy arrows, because you can now get a kick ass tax break for that. [SF Gate]

Liveblogging Idiot vs. Idiot

I don't know about you, but I am freakin' jazzed about tonight's Historic Debate between Russia's wingnut neighbor, Sarah Palin, and the perpetual foot-eater, Joe Biden. This debate is going to be kind of like that David Lynch movie Rabbits where the characters just awkwardly blurt out random statements that have nothing to do with anything.

Oh, what comedic horrors await us at tonight's Vice Presidential Debate???

1. Will Gwen Ifill look directly into the camera and tell Michelle Malkin to suck a fat nut for questioning her impartiality as a moderator?

2. Will Joe Biden say something so offensive that it causes a nationwide moment of uncomfortable silence?

3. Will Sarah Barracuda pull out her moose rifle and shoot Joe Biden right in his hair plugs while the CNN analysts obsess over those weird emotion-meter graphs?

One would hope all three of these things will happen, but none of them will, because American politics are the most depressingly overrated form of entertainment ever. So, now would be a good time to go ahead and toss back a couple of Vicodin-Celexa-tinis, because the action will be starting in less than fifteen minutes! Stay tuned, bitches!

08:00pm - Yay, it's starting, here we go. This is so exhilarating!
09:35pm - Oh wow, I totally passed out! I wonder if anything vaguely remarkable happened while I was taking a nice little disco nap? Was I just dreaming or did Palin kill Biden and grind the carcass into Biden-burger patties? Thankfully, CNN will replay this debate every 90 minutes for the next 48 hours. I hope I didn't miss anything interesting?!

Senate Passes Crucial Economic Legislation

I wanted to let everyone know that you can stop canning your vegetables now because the Senate just passed legislation for an economic bailout of the financial industry. Hooray! The thing that makes this bill so special is that it means absolutely nothing, because it's the House that holds the wallet.

Okay, start canning again! [MSNBC]