Highlights from the Godforsaken Republican National Convention

Fine, I'll live blog this damn mess, but it's not getting time stamped and I'm not editing it tonight. Where is my wine glass? Where is my wine? Guess I should grab the weed too. Ok, I'm ready now...

- Oh look, there's First Lady Laura Bush. Wow, she hasn't blinked in nearly seven years minutes.

- Oh great, and there's that ne'erdowell husband of hers, George W., being broadcast into the convention via fancy Chinese hologram

- George says the angry left will always hate patriots like John McCain even though the Viet Cong broke both his arms, but they don't care because they're all communist sympathizers

- Oh YAY, it's time for a Ronald Reagan Tribute Reel! How fun!

- John McCain is just like Reagan because he's going to raise taxes and give amnesty to illegals

- John McCain was a member of the Reagan Revolution because he can't stand Russia's punk ass

- No seriously, John McCain hates Russian commies so much and he was totally gonna break em off a piece of something, but then poor Ronnie went and got shot by one of Jodi Foster's friends.

- This convention makes absolutely no sense. Did they just say Reagan was like Lincoln and McCain is like Reagan? Does that mean McCain is Lincoln as well and if so, then ho... Oh look, here comes famous Hollywood celebrity Fred Thompson!

- Good God Freddie, Mystic Tan much?

- The bitter media hates Sarah Palin because she's not part of the infamous "Washington Cocktail Circuit" (Cheers!)

- Sarah Palin is not just a maverick, she's an Alaskan maverick, and that's way better than a plain ol' maverick because it means she can wrestle a moose

- Democrats are alligators living in a swamp? What? Come on Freddie, you're starting to lose the audience. Pull it together!

- Fred saves himself by giving a shout-out to Roberta McCain. On a personal note, I love me some Roberta McCain. Fred says Roberta could've taken on the entire North Vietnamese Army and won. Roberta is not amused! God Fred, why do you have to say such stupid things to Johnny's mom?

- Fred says John McCain is a bigtime maverick and one time in Florida there was this hooker in John McCain's Corvette and they....FREDDIE STOP!OMG! JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

- Seriously folks, John McCain was brutally tortured in an overpriced Hilton Hotel back in the sixties. Fred Thompson is now going to spend about six excruciating minutes describing every nightmarish detail of the whole ordeal until every American feels just a little uncomfortable.

- Oh hey guys, don't forget that we're winning in Iraq

- John McCain is not a celebrity like European Barack Obama, but John McCain is as important as the Pledge of Allegiance! Say what?

- THE DEMOCRATS WILL RAISE YOUR TAXES!

- The liberals want the "water out of your bucket"

- John McCainn is "gonna give it a good shakin". What does that even mean?

Ok, fuck this. I'm done. I tried, I really did, but I just can't listen to all this dumbfuckery. But I will tomorrow night when Sarah Palin takes the stage! Goodnight, loyal reader(s)!