Liveblogging the Emperor of Oppressive White Theocracy

0739 - Lookie, it's a video montage of Muslims with machine guns and the Twin Towers burning with an ominous voiceover. Wolf Blitzer is completely baffled that the Republicans would politicize the tragedy of 9/11. I wish some Code Pink nutbag would set his beard on fire.

0752 - Ok, I can't listen to Lindsey Graham's shitkicking faggot bullshit unless I go on a beer run. BRB!

0800 - The only surge Lindsey Graham needs to be talking about is the one that just shot out of the anonymous penis, through the glory hole, and into his mouth at the Minneapolis airport bathroom

0801 - Oh hey guys, the surge worked, so let's just repeat the word "surge" as many times as possible and maybe everyone will forget the pre-surge clusterfuck of death and destruction

0806 - Graham has said "surge" one thousand times and the rednecks are going apeshit. I am seriously going on a liquor run.

0816 - The liquor store was filled with tragic soulless alcoholics....they must be fellow convention watchers

0820 - There's going to be a Cindy McCain Tribute video! It will be a heartwarming tale of Escada powerbitch suits, private jets, stolen Vicodin, and lies about Mother Teresa.

0826 - What the hell is up with this manic, Requiem for a Dream-esque soundtrack? This music makes me feel like a junkie.

0828 - Cindy McCain will heal the world, humbly, with pills, and overly emotive black and white photos

0845 - I can't tell if Cindy is wearing a flag pin or not. She has something pinned to her breast, but it is so encrusted with blood diamonds that I can't tell what it is.

0851 - Johnny must be making his grand entrance soon, because they're playing the hit rock song "Johnny Be Good" that all the kids are dancing to at the sock hops these days. Jesus Fucking Christ.

0904 - The John McCain POW Bondage Porn Video is getting ready to start!

0912 - And here he is, The Maverick!

0915 - While Johnny is giving his thanks, I'd like to take the opportunity to say that only thing John McCain has ever successfully ran was a plane, into the ground, in Vietnam.

0917 - Aw, he's thanking his hero, President George W. Bush!

0918 - John McCain is thankful for Cindy, because she pays for everything

0922 - Also, "everyone is created equal" (homosexuals not included)

0925 - Oh hey, let's not forget Patsy Palin. Oh, I mean Sarah Palin. Why on earth would I call her Patsy?

0928 - Cue John McCain's pointless "pork barrel" bullshit, because Americans are too fucking stupid to know that spending and pork are two totally different things. Of course these inbred lemmings are clapping.

0935 - Muslim Barack Obama voted for corporate welfare for George Bush's oil buddies!

0939 - John McCain has both an economic AND a healthcare plan? Can I get a copy of those "plans"?

0941 - Ok, fuck this. I'm done live-blogging this Stale Cracker Rally. Before I make my exit I'd like to suggest that maybe we could harness the power of Barry Goldwater and Thomas Jefferson spinning in their graves as an alternative energy source. Goodnight doomed Americans.