They Done Throwed Our Preacher in the Clink

To: All Members of the Middleboro Full Gospel Tabernacle in Jesus Name

From: Some Religious Hillbilly

RE: Notice for funds

I just wanted to let y'all know that them damn devil police have arrested our beloved pastor, Rev. Jimmy Coots, as well as confiscated all the snakes we use to dance around the church barefoot to show our devotion to the Lord.

Them police officers have completely cleaned us out! They got all 50 copperheads, 11 timber rattlers, 1 western diamondback, 3 water mocassins, 2 cobras, and worst of all - the puff adder we call Bubba. He was my most favorite outta all of em. All in all, them sum'bitches took over one hunnerd of our snakes plus the alligator we'd been savin for the revival!

I guess they been watching us ever since those two awful sinners died after gettin bit by our Holy Serpents. We all know that was not our fault. Those people weren't livin right or they never woulda died! Next they're gonna be tellin us we can't drink strichnine no more. I thought this was America, where you could worship the Lord however you want to?

We will be passing the collection plate around twice this Sunday, so that we can bail poor Pastor Coots outta jail and then hopefully go buy some more damn snakes. So please, give all you can spare. The Lord will surely reward you for your generosity.

[Lexington Herald-Leader]