Homos for Hillary '08

This past week, HRC/Logo presented a Presidential Forum geared toward gay and lesbian issues. I felt a personal obligation to watch and I'm glad that I did, because it was complete bullshit very enlightening. Six of the eight Democratic hopefuls were in attendance, but surprisingly none of the Republican candidates accepted the invitation. Hmm, that's odd?

For your convenience, let me quickly summarize each of the candidates message in the order they appeared:

• Barack Obama - fully understands gay issues because he's black and has a funny name, isn't afraid to talk about AIDS at church, believes that "separate but equal" is ok as long as it's called something else


• John Edwards - isn't uncomfortable around homos, wants children to learn about gay sex in school, said personal beliefs shouldn't be a reason to deny gay marriage, but is against gay marriage because of personal beliefs


• Dennis Kucinich - loves everybody, decorates his office with gay stickers, wants you to picture an equality symblol inside a big red heart embroidered on a carebear that's being hugged by a cute little girl with pigtails as she giggles happily while daydreaming about butterflies, kitty-cats, puppies, and equal rights for gay Americans (he was my personal favorite)


• Mike Gravel - said most old people are flat-out stupid, impressively named off all three of the gays in Alaska, periodically appeared to be fighting the urge to beat off while talking about the need for more love in the world


• Bill Richardson - defended his belief that homosexuality is a choice by saying he isn't a scientist, but is still able to sympathize with people that choose to be gay because he's half Hispanic


• Hillary Clinton - seemed to be the crowd favorite, most likely because she wore a necklace of coral-colored anal beads as a gesture of goodwill, Melissa Etherige was visibly unimpressed