Alan Keyes' Winning Streak of Failure Continues

The whole world all ready knew world famous ambassador Alan Keyes had abandoned his fun Republican campaign month(s) ago, because the entirety of America refused to sign his stupid pledge. So, Alan said just forget it and switched to the very influential Constitution Party!

The Constitution Party platform basically advocates running the country the way an enraged Nazi-Pentecostal Jesus would run the country if he were alive and also a fascist dictator. I'm not quite sure how that relates to the Constitution, but it seemed like the perfect party for Alan Keyes since he has the exact same beliefs!

But alas, all this cross party showboating was just for nothing because the free world (and the Constitution Party) is still not all that interested in letting some Harvard killjoy run our damn country unless the words hope and/or change are mentioned repeatedly (and preferably in the same sentence, thank you). So basically, the Constitution Party people told Ambassador Keyes to get bent and then they all voted for anyone that didn't have the first name Alan or the last name Keyes :(

As if all this constant losing of election-related things wasn't bad enough, the elitist liberal media is now making fun of sorry ass Ambassador Keyes by chronicling his endless shortcomings as a human with smug headlines such as:

- The Last Word on Keyes
- Chuck Baldwin KOs Firebrand Alan Keyes
- Constitution Party Rejects Alan Keyes
- The Fall of Alan Keyes

Gay Smear Merchant Censors Michelle Malkin

Did you guys know that there is a lady that writes books about prison camps and types out fun conservative notions all day long on her internet weblog? Well there is! Her name is Michelle Malkin. She is very important and also Filipino. She's the reason I started this post with a big run-on sentence!

This lady named Michelle sometimes gets to talk on TV shows. She goes on those news programs where everyone yells and then blames liberals. She also has a Cafe Press store where she sells crappy t-shirts and coffee mugs. Well, I mean she had a store at Cafe Press until those pinko commies started being mean and not letting her sell things that portrayed Barack HUSSEIN! HUSSEIN! HUSSEIN! Obama as an arugula-loving black Muslim.

This is so not fair to do to that poor Malkin lady! She seemed very mad on her weblog and is going to open another store so angry white people can continue to buy whatever it is she plans on selling. She is also upset with Cafe Press because they sell Bottoms for Obama stickers!

I Haven't Written Anything, Because I Haven't Felt Like It, Okay!

Yes, I realize it's been awhile since I've posted. I've been dodging sniper fire while in Bosnia (wherever that is) and will post again as soon I am drunk enough and the urge hits. God people, would you please stop berating me! I can't write in this high pressure environment.